Huh. Apparently, Jessica Simpson and John Mayer are dating -- a development so newsworthy that it has captured the upcoming covers of both Us Weekly and People.
(Image cribbed from PopBytes.com) I'm not sure which confuses me more: why two magazines think the rest of us would give a shit, or why John Mayer is dating a blow-up doll -- again. This is making me rethink the Mayer.
He seemed like one of those earnest singer-songwriter types whose songs were guaranteed to help regular dudes close escrow with the ladies. I paid him no mind until my friend Felicia recommended the VH1 special "John Mayer Has a TV Show." It was freaking awesome, especially for the segment in which Trick Daddy introduced his surefire business scheme: Night care centers, for the moms who still want to hit the clubs.
See, doesn't he seem like a decent enough guy there? So why is he dating the surgically enhanced brain-dead? ("Because he can," you say -- ah, but that cancels out the "decent" part.) Besides being ethically dodgy and aesthetically questionable (Simpson has a man-jaw; that's just a medically proven fact), dating the Simp is less-than-bright from a business perspective.
It's called a "core audience," John. You appeal mostly to average women, and they don't take too kindly to photographic evidence that although they might like to believe you're singing to them, capable of appreciating what makes them special, worthwhile human beings, your heart truly belongs to brainless skank. Your music says "Dave Matthews," but your dating choices say "Fred Durst." And women don't buy albums by Fred Durst. Well, nobody does, but that's beside the point.
What's odd is that I was thinking about the Mayer on Tuesday, as one of his songs was used as the "cool-down" music for a class at the gym. I wasn't thinking about his music so much as his photogenic qualities. In some photos, he looks quite handsome; in others, like he's the conductor of the short bus. (He has a condition I call "babyhead," in which a full-grown man has the cranial size and facial features of a toddler. It's really creepy.) One thing I love about the shot of Mayer and the Simp shown on both magazine covers is that he's in short-bus mode, looking kinda goony and like he hasn't quite mastered the skill of dressing himself.
At least they're well-matched in one respect: the camera is not always their friend, especially when they're on stage. But I wonder what the author of the (sexist but probably well-intentioned) song "Daughters" would have to say to Papa Joe Simpson, whose idea of being good to his daughters is pimping them out to high-class dudes.
That's assuming they're even dating in the first place, and this isn't some desperate scheme of Team Simpson to snag cover space as her album tanks. Oh, but they'd never do something so cheesy and calculated, would they?