I've made my reservations known about the Flavor of Love spinoff I Love New York. New York herself frightens me, and her mom gives me the night sweats. I thought that the antics of a bunch of dudes couldn't possibly compare to the antics of a bunch of skanks competing for the love of a strange, improbable star. I was wrong, though; I hadn't reckoned on the magnificent entertainment capacity of the male of the species Skankus Americanus.
Those boys are crazy.
The series opens with a sequence that captures so much of what makes New York special.
It's the wilted Newport that makes it art.
The dudes line up outside a mansion rented for the occasion. They're a pretty good variety of races, styles, shapes and sizes; the only thing that unites them is their collective unease when this guy bursts out of the house:
(I think he's supposed to be the Big Rick of this show. Like there could ever be another.) One of the dudes explains that he figured they had been punked, that this was a prank on VH1's part. I'll choose to believe him, rather than instantly despising them all for gay panic. It's too early in the season to experience that kind of hate. Chamo says that New York is on the way, and then we see her...
Damn. I like to think I'm in touch with my femininity, but the sight of that room caused my left ovary to cough violently and fall out. Anyway, New York comes out to the front porch, and the dudes react with--
Whoa. Um, anyway, they're happy to see her. One guy in particular feels that this was meant to be.
I love how proud of himself he looks at the end there. Bless his heart. New York welcomes them all into the house.
I'm not sure who said that, or whether he meant it as a compliment or an accusation. Either way, before we can dig in to the naming ceremony, she introduces her personal consigliere of love...
Yup, New York's Moms! Is it just me, or is her hairline about three inches higher than it should be? She's looking kind of Coneheadish there.
Here's a sad little geometry joke for you math geeks out there. Mom's head includes the golden ratio!
Sorry about that. The dudes react with concern to the appearance of New York's mom:
I think he's got the vapors.
Here are some of the highlights of the naming ceremony:
To my utter disappointment, nobody quotes Gerardo.
Nobody starts quoting Pootie Tang, either. Damn!
Nobody even makes the inevitable "... and Cash" joke! What the hell is wrong with these people?!
Is it just me, or does this look exactly like a screengrab from Judge Joe Brown?
It's like they tried to make one person out of Nick Lachey and Nick Carter and discovered they didn't have as many leftover parts as they'd thought they would.
Do not sign any papers this man gives you, ever.
It's Mediocre Will Hunting. There's something very Southie-trying-to-be-Hyannisport about this guy.
Clearly, Chamo's got nothing on Flav in the spelling category.
This dude introduces himself by saying that he plants the seeds of creativity wherever he goes. I already hate him just for that. New York's mom loves him, though. I think she might have her eye on him herself.
It's so nice to see Tracy Chapman back on VH1, isn't it?
Oh, man, this guy looks so familiar! Kind of like a thinner Tommy Davidson, I think.
On his own, Real isn't that interesting. But factor in this...
And it gets more interesting. They seem to have similarly bad taste in hats.
New York loves this dude straight out of the box. Between him and Flav, I'm just going to say that she has no taste in men whatsoever.
He says he was called Token because "you need a token to get in anywhere." That's not why you were called Token, dude. Oh, but they saved the best for last...
There are not words for how much I love this. "The Romanian god of love"?? Romance looks to be good TV, if he can just keep the tears under control.
So, with the names bestowed, the party heads outside.
Chance starts by trying to charm Mama New York by handing her a soda, which she dismisses. He changes tactics, pulls New York aside and starts running his game on her. Mr. Boston says that he gave Chance a few minutes, enough to get his name out there, and then butts right on in. The two of them start squabbling, resulting in this fantastic moment from Chance:
I don't care if he's an actor and this is all fake. That was damn funny.
New York keeps circulating and spends some time talking with T-Bone, who has some...
... problematic eyes. I don't know whether or not to hope that the massively wandering eye was digitally enhanced. On the one hand, it seems extremely mean. On the other hand, it would be better for him if they didn't actually do that. Poor dude.
New York keeps talking to the dudes, and notes that Onix and Whiteboy seem to be forming a friendship. "My third eye," she tells us --
--"is never wrong." She's happy to see them getting along, and frankly, so am I. I'm the biggest sap in the world when it comes to friendships on reality TV, so I hope Onix and Whiteboy fare better than Krazy and Deelishis did.
Mama New York, meanwhile, has taken it upon herself to make sure that the dudes aren't getting along too well with other dudes. "I'm for gay pride, okay? I'm down with the program, but not when it comes to the man for my daughter," she says. I'm finding Mama New York a lot less odious, and it's making me a bit nervous. She goes around the party, asking the dudes if they're maybe a little bit gay, or have been hit on by men. 12-Pack acknowledges that he has been hit on by men, but insists that he's not attracted to them, laughing oddly all the while.
Mr. Boston makes my head hurt as he rattles off some platitudes about how most people are okay with interracial relationships. "But what if you had a baby?" Mama New York presses. "Well, it would probably be very light skinned," he says (I wince). "It could probably pass for white, like Derek Jeter on the Yankees." I need a cold compress here.
A similar form of cultural cluelessness has fallen over New York and Rico. He calls her "Negrita," which means "little black girl," allegedly a term of endearment in Latin American countries, but fighting words in this one. New York doesn't really appreciate being called a little black girl, and totally shuts down Rico. Only Chamo can get her to calm down enough to explain the cultural differences. "Well, this is the first I've heard of it," she tells Rico. "But I'll get back to you on that." Okay, who is this rational, polite person and what has she done with the psychotic hosebeast I saw in Flavor of Love?
Perhaps it's the influence of Romance. New York was a little unnerved by him at first, but after talking to him, she sees him as a sensitive soul, a kind of guy she could "plant trees with." I'm glad to see she's giving him a chance, but what the hell is he wearing on his calf?
Speaking of chances, Romance is chatting with New York's mom when Chance flops his ass down on the sofa next to them, earning him a faceful of (digitally enhanced) smoke.
From then on, it's ON!
There's something positively Bobby Brown-esque about Chance, especially when he yells inexplicably, "It's real!"
With the pyrotechnics out of the way, New York and her mom go upstairs to mull over the choices before the first elimination. Mama NY hates-hates-hates Chance, and with that picture, I can't really blame her.
I could be wrong, but I'm almost positive Vanilla Ice struck that very pose for at least one single.
At the elimination ceremony, Whiteboy is called first, which kinda surprised me, although he did seem attentive to Mama NY and nice to his fellow dudes. Heat's response to having his name called is like a study in sketchy-ness.
"Turning up the knob"? I don't want to know, buddy.
New York sends home four dudes I didn't even bother picturing here, plus Wonk-Eye. She saves Chance for last, and her mom doesn't react well.
"Are you out of your mind?!" Mama yells. Oh, she saw it coming as much as I did. Chance makes for good TV, and that's what we're here for. (I call a Chance vs. Romance final 2.)
A little bit of the old New York shows through when she tells the departing dudes, "I'm sorry, but you're just not good enough for me." Oh, that was uncalled-for. Flav handled it much better: "your time is up" is a value-neutral statement that doesn't insult the person it applies to. I hope she doesn't keep it as a catchphrase.
So Chamo appears with the champagne (and the dudes start chanting his name, which makes me smile a bit) and everybody toasts, and then we get to see a preview of the rest of the season.
Oh, sweet five-point restraints, that looks like a mess. Pootie has anger issues, Mr. Boston gets weird with a knife, New York moons some dude, 12-Pack goes butt-sledding across the yard.
And then there's this moment, which looks like a freeze frame from any episode of COPS, thanks to Heat's sketchy self in the background there.
This should be fun.
Such a fucking trainwreck... I'm there with popcorn, baby!
Posted by: LurkerNan | January 12, 2007 at 07:27 PM
New York is freakin' evil. But to Mama New York's credit, she's managed to get that Satan's Sister gleam out of her eyes. Probably just good contact lenses. She still acts like Satan's sister anyway.
I'm so glad I'm not watching this mess alone. What, oh what, draws me to it? I apparently have a higher than average intelligence, but my choice of viewing material wouldn't indicate it!
Posted by: Cheesemeister | January 16, 2007 at 04:36 AM
Uh - is it a good thing that I don't know who any of these people are?
If I am supposed to learn, could you tell me when they're re-broadcasting?
Posted by: sudiegirl | January 16, 2007 at 03:14 PM
This looks so good, and the men so cheestastic, that I had to throw my slipper. Oh, lawd.
Posted by: Isis Kali | January 19, 2007 at 07:41 PM
Mr.Boston is so freaking hot. I love him sooooooo much. Everyone bess back off(lol). He is soo all mine.
Posted by: Stephanie | April 08, 2007 at 08:28 PM
you tits are big new york
Posted by: | June 23, 2007 at 09:29 PM
inscrez
Posted by: kako | June 25, 2007 at 01:59 PM
New york goes with 12 Pack or Chance
Cos they are the 2 cutie's out of da hole lots of the boys.
Posted by: Georgie | September 04, 2007 at 11:04 AM