Several months ago, my logic center suffered a mild seizure when I contemplated a possible romantic relationship between John Mayer and Jessica Simpson. I wanted to like the guy, but his alleged choice of companion pretty much threw his entire character into question. I was relieved when Us magazine seemed to take particular joy in crowing that he had dumped her after she turned a couple of dates into a major relationship. Okay, I thought. He's got some semblance of taste after all. But it seems I was mistaken.
They've been hanging out a lot lately. And I can't tell if it's an actual dating-type relationship, or if she's his beard, or if they're just using each other for the photo opportunities, or what. I can tell you this: I needed to wash my eyes with hot water and a strong antibacterial cleanser after seeing this picture from People's "Star Tracks":
What in the name of confidential outpatient treatment is she wearing?! He looks like a pizza boy who might or might not supplement his deliveries with weed. She looks like a refugee from a ZZ Top video. And contrary to what she might think, the 7-inch platforms with the ankle strap and the gynecological hemline of the ... robe? she's wearing only make her legs look short and stumpy, and make her look like she's trying and failing to cover that fact up.
Plus, y'know, she looks like a hooker and all.
I do like how, in this moment, anyway, his body language seems to be screaming "I'm not with her! I had nothing to do with this! In fact, I'm prepared to defend my face and head from the onslaught of that outfit! Leave me out of it, man! ... Oh, and, ah, you want any weed?"