Okay, why has nobody told me about the miracle of tackiness that is the bimbonic Katie Price (or, as softcore enthusiasts the world over know her, Jordan)? How have I gone so long without being fully aware of her amazing powers of vapidity, vulgarity and flat-out sleaze? How on earth did I manage to miss her freaking wedding??
Oh, yeah, her husband's a genuine, down-to-earth kind of guy, an old, gentle soul who doesn't care about the glitz and sparkle. Theirs is truly a love for the ages. And as the two of them demonstrate on the red carpet for the premiere of The Dukes of Hazzard, they know exactly how to dress and behave for a public event.
Price has been huge in the UK for, like, years now, so I feel like the idiot running around yelling, "Did you know they make phones you can take in the car now?!" I'm not really up on British culture; hell, I still need to see all of Footballers Wive$. I had my Robbie Williams, and that was enough for me. Until now.
She's just so...
TACKY! (I don't think she's pregnant in the shot on the left, but sweet Lord, that hair!)
The crap Price wore during her second pregnancy, by her current husband Peter Andre in 2005, truly blew my mind. Not only for being in-your-face sleazy but because I can't fathom how uncomfortable it must have been. She's got to have the mother of all muffin-tops going on in that shot on the right there, and those boots would be a nightmare even without a bun in the oven; I can scarcely imagine what hell her feet are going through. Worst of all, though, is the fact that I think this is the look Britney was going for during her pregnancies. I get the distinct impression that she was hoping to emulate this avatar of style and class. (And even then, she failed. That's gotta hurt.)
I'm not even going to comment. Because honestly, what could I possibly say that wouldn't involve a hysterical shriek?
Price's efforts are not limited to scarring retinas and filling Kleenex, though. She's written (to one degree or another) several autobiographies and one novel. And I've got to hand it to her, that's four more books than I've gotten published. However, I like to think that even if I had the body for this outfit, I'd know better than to wear it to a book signing. Hell, I think Cher would know better than to wear it to a book signing.
Plus, Price has decided to pursue (wait for it...) a singing career! She's not going to let her lack of vocal talent or even her inability to move stand in her way. And, in typical fashion, she performed her contribution to Britain's competition to determine their Eurovision entry in a pink spangled catsuit... pregnant! (Same pregnancy as in the other shots; it's kind of impressive how much shamelessness she got into nine short months.)
She and Peter Andre actually released an album of duets last year, called "A Whole New World." (I want to bake a batch of cookies for whoever contributed this genius review of it on Amazon.) It's a kind of celebration of their love... but what could be a greater celebration of that than their wedding?
Here's a portion of it from YouTube; it tends to focus on the bridesmaids because the person who uploaded it is a Girls Aloud fan and I think the tall blond bridesmaid is from that group. Brace yourselves. You have no idea.
Yeah. You think that the bride will be in a slightly more elaborate version of the bridesmaids dresses, but nothing can prepare you for the Barbie Cyborg that eventually teeters down the aisle. The sweet little boy who accompanies two of the bridesmaids is Price's first son, Harvey. (He was born with severe vision problems, growth problems and a form of diabetes. And an incurable case of maternal skank.) Price and Andre named their second son, born several months before their wedding, Junior. Not Peter Junior, or even Jordan Junior. Just Junior.
I'm sold. I'm hooked through the bag. I'm going to devote my free time to combing the Web for any news or artistic output from Katie Price, for I realize that she is truly the greatest celebrity ever.