My beloved single readers, tomorrow might be a tough day for you. You've had the whole Valentine's Day nuttiness thrust at you from all corners for the past couple of weeks. There's pink diggity everywhere you go; diamonds and flowers are being marketed especially aggressively; and good luck finding a table anywhere other than a Taco Bell tomorrow night. That is, of course, after you've watched even your most unappealing co-workers receive flowers or other goodies from their poor significant others. Yeah, tomorrow might be a little rough, especially if you're unhappy about your present unattached status.
But I'm here to help. These videos will remind you that sometimes, it's much better to be alone. It's also overwhelmingly less oily.
"Just The Way I Planned It" is a little-known gem from the '80s, sung by Tubbs himself. My best friend Felicia turned me on to this, insisting that I watch it so she'd have a partner in horror. She posits that at least one backup dancer slipped and fell on the excess activator dripping from Philip Michael Thomas's hair, and I daresay she's right. Neither she nor I have the faintest clue what he's talking about at the end, when he starts testifying about "wisdom, knowledge and understanding."
See, aren't you glad you don't have to deal with someone who won't stop yammering about crap you don't understand while they make you carry them up a flight of stairs, pallbearer-style?
And while we're at it, aren't you glad you don't have to deal with someone who's only in a relationship for what they can get out of it? We've all dated people who vastly overestimate their own attractiveness and seem to think they should be given special treatment and fabulous cash and prizes because of it. Thank God you don't have to put up with that this year, right?
Say it with me, y'all: the Grammy-winning "My Humps." Nope, I still can't do it without shuddering.
Speaking of shuddering, if you're still feeling a little lonely, still yearning for company or intimacy, this should nip that right in the bud. Felicia believes that "Just The Way I Planned It" is ickier than this video, but Jason and I both think this one takes the prize. As J put it, it has "the junk factor." If you ever need to rid yourself of the pesky desire to touch another human being, look no further than "Pumps and a Bump."
The next time you start to long for human contact, just remember the (probably stuffed) zebra-striped Speedo and the remote-control waterfall. And don't worry, baby. You're gonna make it after all.
Coming tomorrow: a podcast with Radio Allegro on love and pop culture, plus a great cake recipe!