[Originally posted June 27, 2006 at MySpace]
I am bereft, heartbroken and bummed. For I have missed the first 90 minutes of a Sci-Fi Network film called "Ice Cream Man." Yes, it's exactly what it sounds like. As the viewing guide summarized it: "Frozen treats vendor terrorizes suburbia."
(That's almost as good as the all-time champion, the synopsis of "Dog the Bounty Hunter" that read "Tiny bounty hunter pursues fugitives." It's funny because Duane "Dog" Chapman is, like, 5'2". In boots.)
But back to the terror from the deep freeze. This looked like something truly special: Clint Howard in full-on, Manson-lamps, shit-in-the-hair-crazy mode, killin' folks left and right as he drives around in an ice cream van.
Regrettably, the Ice Cream Van OF DEATH doesn't play "Pop Goes the Weasel" as Howard dishes out murder. But that just gives the audience a clearer appreciation for the score, which is -- I swear -- entirely in MIDI.
At one point, Howard stages a puppet show on the importance of trusting the police -- with two disembodied heads. For two terrified kids. I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.
So, yeah, I'm crushed that I didn't get to see "Ice Cream Man" in its full glory. But it's okay, 'cause now they're showing something called "Glass Trap" which seems to involve killer ants and gummy, blood-covered skeletons and -- oh, crap, is that C. Thomas Howell? It IS!
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