Relative to the wacky antics of the first two episodes that I've recapped here, this is a comparatively tame hour in the company of Flav and the skanks. It's still utterly jacked-up, though, so it makes for good viewing. It's easy to get overwhelmed by Flavor of Love. Some columnist on ESPN described it thusly: "Each episode is like a fine port, and must be savored." No, I don't remember who; my brain is uniquely configured to disregard all sports-related information immediately.
They both are so excited, 'cause they're... reunited, hey hey.
Flavor of Love doesn't really have a theme song; what it has instead is a random collection of sounds combined with graphics that make the contestants seem faceless and interchangeable. (Which is quite ironic, considering the memorable moments those skanks have already given us all.)
The day begins at Chez Flav with two skanks (Hoopz, again, and Smiley) snuggled up -- fully clothed, thank you sweet lord -- in bed with Flav. The other skanks are elsewhere in the mansion, while Hottie is down on the tennis court, doing a jump-rope routine that must involve a sports bra made of steel. New York is on the balcony, smoking, scheming and squinting. Lovely, isn't she?
Hottie is apparently still outside the house proper as Flav has his braids combed out later that morning while watching a dating show. Suddenly, something catches his eye, something that all the remaining skanks simply must see.
Escandalo! The skanks are gobsmacked at the sight of none other than...
...Hottie on "Blind Date"! And -- criminy, I should just have a macro for "What is Hottie wearing?" Like everyone who attended 8th grade, I've heard the phrase "over-the-shoulder boulder holder," but here we see such a creation both literally presented and worn as outerwear. Paisley outerwear, if I'm not mistaken. (Hottie actually wore this outfit earlier in the season on FoL, prompting someone online to comment, "Hottie looks like a can of biscuits that exploded.")
But the horror isn't limited to her outfit; instead, Flav is distraught to see Hottie blatantly admitting to being a golddigger. And since Flav frequently frets about the skanks wanting him for his money, this display of Hottie's confirms his worst fears. I have to ask, though: what money? Public Enemy were more critical darlings than commercial successes, right? And besides, aren't there a couple of family courts on the East Coast that might have first dibs on any cash Flav comes across from his reality shows? Eh, I don't get it.
Anyway, the skanks are called together and Flav introduces Brigitte Nielsen, whom he calls Gitte. She calls him Foofy, which New York takes great exception to. "Ugh, she calls him 'Foofy.' That's not a foofy, okay? That's a man." Whatevs, Carl Weathers.
Gitte has never been much for decorum, or excessive amounts of clothing, so we should not be surprised by the pose she strikes as she settles onto the sofa. Still, an involuntary "Aaagh!" escaped my mouth as I envisioned a possible wardrobe malfunction that could scar me for life.
You will notice, however, that even Gitte can sense the quality and instinctively gravitates toward it.
When she's not gravitating toward her natural habitat.
Say, does that white-on-white outfit look familiar to anybody? Do you think maybe the traumatizing leg-in-the-air pose might be a reference to something... in a film, perhaps? A scene... featuring a skanky ice blonde... wearing a lot of white... hooked up to a...
Yup, it's time for the skanks to take a polygraph. The actual tests go largely as expected. Goldie responds to Gitte's question of "Do you like me?" with a "yes" and a lovely smile, and the polygraph dude gives the thumbs-up, meaning she's telling the truth. Hoopz's test is apparently so boring as to merit only 10 seconds of air time.
Pumkin is asked the rather unfair question "Did you see the movie Red Sonja?" and is quickly pegged as a liar. Pumkin, it seems, has also been on other reality shows, and responds to "Have you ever had sex on a reality show?" with an uncertain "yes," earning the double thumbs-up from the polygraph dude. New York is apparently in love with Flav, but doesn't want to have his children (... and the Carl Weathers theory gains some steam).
Hottie, to nobody's surprise, lies about everything, including her age (over 30, if the test is accurate!) and her motives. Goldie does her imitation of the polygraph instrument: "Bitch is lying -- lying -- lying" with accompanying zig-zag gesture. And Smiley is forced to admit that she's an exotic dancer and still hung up over her ex-husband. It's a draining afternoon for everyone, with the possible exception of Goldie.
To try to lighten the mood, Gitte takes the skanks out to dinner, but there seems to be some residual resentment from the lie detector business, or maybe some underlying jealousy in both directions, or maybe just a basic language barrier, 'cause before long, Gitte and Hoopz are sniping at each other and I have no idea why.
Eventually, Hoopz just leaves the restaurant and sits outside on the rim of a potted plant, pouting and hoping not to be mistaken for a streetwalker. (I'm sorry, but rolled-up camo capris and stilettos? Yes, I know that's the same kind of thing Paris Hilton wears -- that's exactly my point.) I seriously cannot determine what the beef between Gitte and Hoopz was, but I think my old friend booze might have had a thing or two to do with it.
Back at the mansion, Smiley is still upset with the issues brought up by the polygraph, and makes the inexplicable decision to open her heart to New York. Of all the people in the House of Skank to trust, New York would easily be last on my list. I'd trust Hottie to put together an acceptable outfit for a job interview more than I'd trust New York with anything of a personal nature. New York can scarcely hide her disdain for Smiley when she's looking at her, and later confides to the camera how appalling she found Smiley's weakness.
And speaking of appalling, good morning, sunshine!
With that lovely vision to send him off, Flav has lunch with Gitte to go over the lie detector results. Goldie aced her test, but Gitte worries that "she doesn't have the physical look that you prefer." (Odd, coming from such a prime example of the transitory nature of beauty. I mean, Gitte was gorgeous back in the day. Now? Shudder.)
The rest of the lunch is a sort of recursive algorithm, with Gitte saying about each skank, "She's not for you." Flav quickly picks up that noone else will be good enough for him in Gitte's eyes, but he appreciates the information, especially about how many secrets were being kept from him. The two part sweetly.
They are still so totally in love.
When he returns to the mansion, Flav offers the skanks a chance to talk with him one-on-one, to come clean on anything they might want to get off their chests (i.e., to confess before they get flat-out busted). Hottie doesn't think she has anything to add, nor do Hoopz or New York. Smiley cops to being a stripper, but doesn't admit to her unresolved feelings for her ex-husband (instead, Pumkin does that for her, lovely girl). Pumkin herself doesn't admit to anything -- beyond a stupid hairdo.
Best of all, though, is Goldie's reaction to the news that she was the only one who was completely truthful on the lie detector test:
Before elimination, a weird kind of fight erupts among the skanks. Smiley doesn't appreciate that Pumkin outed her as being hung up on her ex, while Pumkin doesn't think that Smiley is being completely fair to Flav. Smiley's insistence that she'd like to see what develops from her friendship with Flav prompts Pumkin's best line: "This is Flavor of Love, not Flavor of Friendship!" (which actually sounds like it could be an entertaining show). Smiley kinda loses it, shrieking about how much she wants to stay, and I am utterly mystified by how this snit turned into such a big deal.
By the time elimination rolls around, everybody's in a funk (except for Hottie, who seems to exist in her own little orbit). New York's all pissed about Smiley mentioning her in the fight, Goldie's bummed by the bad blood, Pumkin and Smiley are still in upset mode, and Hoopz? Look at that face, y'all: Hoopz is just over it.
At first, there's no surprises. Hottie is sent home for her overt gold-diggin' ways. And Flav kinda lays into her; his level of anger is surprising, which makes me wonder if he's not protesting too much, trying desperately to project the image of a massive fortune when he still owes his relatives money or something. So strong is his vitriol that we actually see Hottie's little bubble crack for a second, and it looks as though she might cry, but she makes it out okay. And let's have one last look at that wonky eye!
But, to the remaining skanks' surprise, Flav picks a second contestant to go home. He has one remaining clock to hand out (that's how they do it, kinda like the rose ceremony on The Bachelor, but blingier), but he tells Smiley he just can't give it to her. It's fairly sweet, how this particular elimination is handled, with regret on both sides and repeated references to Smiley's issues with her ex-husband.
So we are left with our final four: Goldie, Hoopz, New York and Pumkin. We see a little clip of each of them saying what they plan to do for their remaining time. Most of them say some variation of "keep doing what I've been doing; it seems to work so far." But New York tearfully insists that she will do "whatever it takes to win the heart ... of that beautiful man."
And do you know, it took me a little bit to realize she meant Flav.
When exactly did I become so unhip? Hell, compared to this I could have been raised a Mennonite. No offense Floyd.
Posted by: Herm the Uptight White | July 28, 2006 at 07:07 PM
hey,
new york i am one of your biggest fans and i would love to meet you or just talk to to you or just communicate through email. Y ou should have won because you are the only woman who showed true love through out the whole show. please pleas please contact me my email is laterra06@yahoo.com
Posted by: pretty girl | August 08, 2006 at 03:02 PM
I think the best way to reach New York might be through Carl Weathers' agent or management.
Posted by: Cath | August 08, 2006 at 03:57 PM