My foul Brady

Among Jason's thousands of admirable qualities is the patience of a saint, particularly when it comes to me and my inability to learn. Every Sunday, I watch My Fair Brady on the TiFaux, and at the end of every episode, I exclaim, "I hate them both so much! They should both be taken out and shot!" And Jason just nods and says, "I know you do, honey," like Nicolas Cage trying to calm a sobbing Holly Hunter in Raising Arizona. ("I hate them so-ho-ho mu-hu-hu-huuuuuuch!")

I was going to create a My Fair Brady Hate-O-Meter to indicate the shifting nature of my hatred. Whom did I hate more: Christopher Knight, the former Peter Brady who behaves like an insecure 7-year-old, a horny 17-year-old and a stodgy, controlling 57-year-old rolled into one? Or Adrienne Curry, the first winner of America's Next Top Model, who behaves like an insecure 7-year-old, a horny 17-year-old and a whining, biological-clock-addled 37-year-old rolled into one? Did I hate them both equally, or did I just hate myself for watching? But since next week is the final episode of this season (spoiler: the turds get married), it seemed like too ambitious a project too late in the game. Note the picture: nothing says class, mutual respect and security in one's relationship like sticking your tongue down someone's throat in public.

Yesterday's penultimate episode, though, really captured the many reasons why I hate them individually and as a couple. It was the obligatory Bachelor/Bachelorette Party episode, and it managed to showcase all their flaws, partially thanks to a little montage near the end.

Here was Knight being a drunken party pooper, a judgmental, inconsiderate, tactless boob with delusions of anyone giving a rat's ass about whether Peter Brady was spotted at a strip club. (After the too-much-information-ness of both seasons of this godawful show, anyone with basic cable and too much time on their hands knows about your light bondage fetish, dude -- and I hate so much that I know that.)

And here was Curry making mountains out of molehills, crying at the drop of a hat, whining over everything Knight did or didn't do and/or the way he did or didn't do it, insisting that the greatest thing she could ever possibly do would be to marry an asshat who treats her like a sex toy with the mentality of a toddler.

After almost an hour of passive-aggressive shenanigans, they each offer a summation of their relationship as their impending nuptials loom. To anyone with half a brain, they're outlining the reasons that they're doomed. Knight even acknowledges that people have said the two are no good for each other, but they plan to prove those folks wrong. Have you ever heard anyone say that who wasn't (1) an idiot (2) still in high school or (3) on Springer?

Gaaaah! I hated them last season, and I hate them even more this season. I'm gonna ask my editor at HoleCity if I could write another rant about this jacked-up couple. 'Cause I know I'll be full of fresh hate by Sunday, and Jason will have to placate me one more time.

Comments

[robnit]

what is it with you and the nasty liplocks. bleh. Don't get me wrong - I likes me a nasty kiss, but on camera? Double bleh.

[Susie]

Jason sounds like a saint. Hermann won't allow such viewing in his pristine Germanic environs. I kid. He actually enjoys "Project Runway" and will grudgingly tolerate "The Apprentice" and "Survivor." All fairly high-brow fare.

But seriously, while he was out the other night fetching dinner and a movie I caught 1.5 episodes of "The Girls Next Door" on E! and that was like a fucking Kurosawa film compared to "My Fair Brady."

I like to read the re-caps on dlisted about "Flava of Love," even though I've never watched it. Check it out.

And ditto on the naaaaasty picture.

Carry on.

[Hide]

My Canuck friend Sue emailed me your Blog. I just wanted to say I'm hooked. I giggled and snorted right through your rants which is awesome since I'm at work in open concept cubicle hell. Kudos. Oh, I've never seen my fair Brady but now I hate them too.