Because you just can't make a jerk happy

What a quotable episode this was! "That was a happy choice." "I'm the twist." "You're trapped in time, and the time is Elvis." Let me add to that: "I thought you couldn't make a jacket in a day, you walking pustule!"

Great. By giving his little rawk-poseur-by-way-of-Bedazzler costume the win, they're just encouraging him.

I wasn't wild about this challenge, since I think that Laura, Uli and Angela have essentially been designing for themselves the whole time. Plus, the whole "jet-setter" design brief seemed a little murky, and I'm kinda surprised that nobody asked any questions to clarify the extent to which travel and destinations would be involved.

I'd like to request that this be the last challenge that doesn't involve models. Although Michael's instructions to Kayne on how to work the runway made for some nice moments, most of the designers can't walk to save their lives. Besides, what was the point of the model selection if they were just going to have to kick off two more models next week?

Well, this moment was kinda worthwhile. The annoyingly talkative Amanda springs backstage, clearly wanting a hug for staying on, and the rest of them basically give her the double finger with their body language.

Speaking of models, how ANTM was the whole "pack your bags, you're going to Paris!" moment? I worry when a show I love starts adding gimmicks like this. I watch to see creativity unleashed and beauty created, not transatlantic flights, dammit.

Speaking of gimmicks...

How can you not know that these pants are atrocious? How can you deliberately put whickety-whack on your ass cheeks (do jet-setters never sit down in Angela's Jubilee Jumbles universe?) and some weird panel thing in the inner-thigh/crotchular region? Who on earth would want to emphasize that body part anyway? Oh, the deeply unhinged. Right.

I'm not terribly sorry to see Angela go -- she was way past her sell-by date anyway -- but I'm sorry to see it happen on the same episode that Neck-Boy got the validation he feels that he has been owed since the first challenge. Even after she was auf'ed (or maybe it's au'ed, as in au revoir), the little slug couldn't stop saying awful things about her. That said, it takes a truly clueless individual to pick silk linen for anything involving travel. Look at those wrinkles on the legs, and she hasn't even boarded the plane yet. Oy.

I'm not even going to include a picture of Vincent's outfit, because it's probably already in your closet. It's a straight-legged pair of black pants with a charcoal v-neck top. Dude's lucky that the guest judge this week was the creative director of Calvin Klein, who has probably spent significant amounts of time wondering how close clothing can come to actual pajamas before people will refuse to wear it to the office.

Laura's jersey cocktail dress is no surprise, but I'm pleasantly astonished to see how lovely she can look with blown-out hair and softer makeup -- like Geena Davis, in fact (herself a mom in her 40s). Very yummy mummy. The smile on her face when Michael walked the pseudo-runway in Paris made me hope those two crazy kids form some kind of design/production superteam after the show is over. I like to think that if one of them wins, they'll eventually hire the other.

And speaking of Michael, he totally could have won the challenge with this outfit. Anybody who can make seersucker cool, teach a gay man some runway moves and coin the phrase "from the Hamptons to the hood" is golden, in my book. The editors' juxtaposition of Michael's graciousness and Neck-Boy's ugly spoutings was a little obvious -- but that doesn't make it any less true.

Uli's losing me a bit here. For one thing, baby-doll dresses are hard to pull off for 99% of the body types out there, so I question the wisdom of making them your signature piece. Also, I've decided to take my "wear a damn bra" campaign to Project Runway. Most of Uli's dresses discourage the wearing of proper foundation garments, which means I must automatically deduct points. Plus, how practical is it to wear a floor-length dress when you're going to be traveling? I don't care if you're on a private plane with a belly full of champagne and designer drugs, "travel" and "floor-length" are as incompatible as "travel" and "silk linen." Fortunately, I think Uli's smart enough to take the judges' critiques and learn from them.

I don't think that's the case with Kayne (who, based on his unfortunate topless footage, might also want to consider some kind of upper-body support garment). He seems to freeze up whenever he's criticized on the runway, which indicates to me that he's not hearing anything other than "you're awful, you're terrible, the universe hates you." And that's certainly not the case; there's some talent here, but it's not supplemented by a tremendous sense of taste. After all, most TV viewers don't associate a personalized belt buckle with jet-set style; they associate it with one Buckwild from Flavor of Love.

 

See?

Now, let's look at the dark side of bling: Neck-Boy. Ugh. "Ask me about my Bedazzled crotch!" I can just see the Spinal-Tap moment that doubtless occurred when he tried to walk that outfit through a metal detector at JFK. Also: a wallet chain? Really? How 1995. I was amused to see how effectively the skinny cut of the pants revealed that Neck-Boy is actually rather pear-shaped with the beginnings of a gut. When he asked the makeup artist, "See how green I am?" I wondered if he had hepatitis. And it made me smile.

Because that's how loathsome this guy is. Not only does he believe that he's been tragically denied a win up to now, he insists that God is totally on his side. Apparently, he's worked the 12 steps up to the point of believing in a higher power, but hasn't gotten around to taking a moral inventory or apologizing to those he has hurt. My personal spiritual philosophy is that God is too big for one gender, but Neck-Boy's decision that God absolutely wants him to win makes me hope that God is female, if only for the beautiful image it gives me of Neck-Boy's day of judgment, when a Monty-Python-esque giant hand comes down from the clouds and a manicured finger flicks his ass into the abyss.

In the meantime, I'll settle for a Seine-side beatdown by a bunch of angry mimes. That's not too much to ask, is it?

Comments

[Lorraine]

I so wanted Michael to win, if only to see Neck Boy grimace in pain yet again. He's such a child. A school yard bully. A horrible accident. I want the Python hand to flick him NOW! Angela's outfit was stupid but I so wanted her to survive Neck Boy. I hated seeing him get that satisfaction. Plus, strictly speaking, his outfit looked exactly like anything you'd expect to see some dumbass rockstar wear. Michael's "hood to the Hamptons" seersucker idea? Now THAT's innovation. Oh, how I hate Neck Boy. I was so hoping his stupid crotch pants would have a sagging butt after the flight or something, anything to make him not win. Alas. Must go calm down now.

[Cheesemeister]

I honestly haven't been watching that show, but from what you've written I think the tattoo on that dude's neck should read "strangle me now!"

[Cath]

Hee! I like to imagine it says "cut here."

[Flea]

I think Jeffrey should take the whole thing. His work is much more interesting than the rest; certainly since Malan got the boot. This is a fashion contest not a personality contest. Fortunately, the producers need him as a villain so he is likely to be bullet-proof until the final four. So LOL to all y'all Jeffrey haytas!

Though given last year's inexplicable winning Dynasty collection I have no sense of what the judges think is wearable and interesting.

[Anton]

Anybody notice the drinking on the show? Jeffrey's glass is always full of water while the others sip champagne, owing to his 12 steppedness, I'm sure. However, pre- maman Laura, little bump and all, has been partaking in the bubbly with the others. I think this is ok in moderation. Pregnant European women are not as paranoid about alcohol as American women are. And is Laura originally from the South? I heard her "Y'all" on the last episode.