I am screaming and punching myself: FoL 1-11: Reunited, and It Feels So Very Wrong

Who is this woman and why is she on my TV?

No, I'm asking here. She says her name is "LaLa," as if it's supposed to have some meaning, but I'm drawing a complete blank. "LaLa" -- whoever she may be -- has drawn the short straw and must host/referee the reunion show of Flavor of Love's first season. And so I must recap it.

Oh, yeah. It's gonna be that kind of night.

We're given the obligatory introduction, talking about the phenomenon of the show, mentioning that the skanks are gathering backstage. Most of them seem happy to see each other, which seems rather sweet.

Oh, Smokey. Keep smiling, you sweet little nut.

After a rather unnecessary bit of buildup, "LaLa" introduces Flav, who greets the studio audience with a bunch of big-ass flowers.

I'm reminded somehow of Dame Edna, who throws gladiolas out into the audience at the end of the show. I think it's just the big-ass flowers, though.

Aww, Big Rick. Give the big man some love, y'all. (And a better job, please!)

The Parade of Skanks begins, with the first five ejected contestants filing on stage with little or no commentary.

Wait, are those -- yes, those are cherries on her nipple-ular region. Oh, damn. Someone has taken all this waaaaaaaay too seriously. And since when is she plural??

The next five file in. Rain (God bless her crazy ass) continues her ongoing monologue about how she's been in love with Flav since she was a little girl (eep!) and how, if things don't work out with Hoopz, he can still give her a call. See, to an ordinary person, that might sound like a good idea for a restraining order, but Flav's probably thinking, 'Hey! Great idea!'

Wow. I'm sure Sweetie is probably an okay person, but damn. That's her laughing right there.

Next up is Red Oyster, who gets a mixed response from the crowd. The skanks all seem to hate her; one of them captures it perfectly with "You're so weird." And who can blame them, considering how she ratted out all their secrets to Flav every chance she got? Oh, but wait! Seems she had a surprise of her own: she was married. "LaLa" presents the marriage certificate to Flav, who seems shocked. Red Oyster insists that she's getting divorced, but "LaLa" says there's nothing on the record to contradict the marriage. The way she phrases it makes me imagine the marriage certificate self-combusting once the divorce is final. How cool would that be?

Soon, Smiley and Hottie come out to join Red Oyster, and --

There are so many punch lines fighting for supremacy in my brain, I am barely capable of typing. Anyway, Smiley says that she's pretty much over her ex-husband now and is completely single. At that, two dudes in the audience with a cumulative total of five inches of wang high-five each other.

Fortunately, the return of my dear Goldie acts as a kind of antidote to that ickiness. Flav is clearly delighted to see Goldie, running up to her and -- oh, that's nice -- dry-humping her a while. The crowd chants her name and even Red Oyster claps for her. Goldie reports that she's doing well after the show and has started doing stand-up. She mentions Cherry/ies' dis of her on the first episode, and the befruited one starts going off on Goldie. But --

Yes, that's Sweetie getting between Cherry/ies and her target. See, you just don't mess with Goldie. You can't win. Cherry/ies is soon put back in her chair, and offers this rebuttal:

Ooooooh! Ain't no coming back from nanny-nanny-boo-boo!

But no sooner have we been graced by Goldie than it's time for the return of --

Okay, that is the draggiest thing I have seen since RuPaul walked down the runway in a sequined Confederate-flag gown as Miss Rachel Tension in To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar. Damn.

No, wait, that's draggier. New York spends the next few minutes talking about herself, picking fights with whomever she can, yelling at everyone and just acting like a walking PSA for cocaine abuse. (Mind you, I'm not necessarily saying cocaine was involved, but she has dropped some pounds pretty quickly, and her behavior is consistent with someone who's just hit the sneaky hard.)

When she gets to the neck roll -- actually, it's a full-on torso roll, if you ask me -- I start on the train of thought that I usually board when I see someone acting the fool on TV: 'What must their parents think of them right now?' But having seen New York's parents, I can say that her dad is probably in a perpetual 3-martini haze, wondering why that nice young fella he played tennis with didn't save him from the hell of his existence. Her mother is probably thinking, 'At least she's thin.'

They bring Pumkin out, and the predictable stupidity ensues:

It's just tiresome to watch after a while. Oh, and speaking of tiresome, we've finally reached the "winner" of the whole shooting match, Hoopz! She comes out and kisses Flav hello, but sits a few feet away from him, and it's clear from the body language: it didn't work out. Hoopz says that once they got to talking, they realized that they wanted different things out of life, and that they just weren't compatible.

Flav seems genuinely saddened by this admission, while New York goes off about how Hoopz was never there for Flav, and will you just please shut the fuck up?!! Sorry. Anyway, much as I hate to say this, she might have a point. If you look up "Hoopz" on the Internet -- well, let's just say she hasn't let any grass grow under her feet (or her sphincter region) since winning the show. Her devotion to making sure everyone knows exactly what her butt looks like far outstrips any devotion she might have felt for Flav.

Thus, the show concludes with Flav announcing that since he did not meet the new love of his life (like such a thing is possible on a competitive dating show, anyway), he's gonna give it another shot. So here we are, mere days before the premiere of Season 2 of Flavor of Love. What a long, stank trip it's been. Thank you for accompanying me on it.