2-5 Have You Seen My Ass Cheeks?

There's something seriously amiss with the world when an episode of Flavor of Love leaves me feeling angry, frustrated, upset and kind of offended. You'd think I'd be beyond all of that, having studied this blight of a show so extensively. But I think there's a limit to how much you can mock and exploit even skanks, and this episode pushed that limit for me.

On the other hand, some of them deserve all the mocking and exploitation the universe can throw their way, and then some.

Two that don't deserve that kind of scorn are Buckwild and Like Dat, so it's a little sad to see them at odds. Like Dat still finds Buckwild's accent fake and has translated this into some concern about the integrity of Buckwild's soul or something equally ridiculous.

I know, sugar. I don't get it either.

Buckwild isn't the only one not feeling Like Dat, though. Buckeey outlines for us the reasons she finds Like Dat unpleasant and annoying. She mentions that Like Dat is from New York -- although, in fact, she's a Jersey girl -- and that women from New York tend to be loud and obnoxious. Oh, Buckeey. Just you wait.

I am turning into my mom, because I actually gasped aloud "From the jug?!" when I saw this clip. I don't care if that's your private stash of 1% acidophilus or whatever, you use a glass at the table, missy. The jug-chugging is even more unforgivable if that's not private stock but community milk. This house is a potential petri dish as it is; let's not add cold or stomach viruses to the list of hazards.

The morning's Flav-o-Gram arrives, and Buckwild reads it. Apparently, a pool party is on the day's itinerary, so the skanks are to prepare their backyard -- of the house -- and get ready to host some of Flav's friends. Most of the skanks pitch in and decorate the pool area, but Deelishis and Buckeey bow out and spend most of the time dolling themselves up. When Like Dat calls them on their laziness, Buckeey goes off to the camera about it. Near as I can tell, she either doesn't think she should be criticized about anything, ever, or doesn't think she should be criticized by a woman larger than herself. Either way, shut the fuck up, Buckeey.

You're back on my list, princess.

As anyone who's watched the Season 2 previews can tell you, the guests aren't senior-center residents or kids hopped up on birthday cake -- although a couple of the skanks predict such guests and one of them even ponders a visit by a contingent of crackheads. No, they're some big names from hip-hop who are there because of their love for Flav and not because cameras and a huge cable TV audience are involved.

They have Oscars, y'all. I still don't know quite what to do with that.

Three 6, G-Unit, the Ying-Yang Twins, some blinged-out fool calling himself Bishop Don "Magic" Juan and Warren G come into the backyard. I shake my head as Like Dat bounds up to hug Warren G. You cleaned his house, woman; he should be bounding up to hug you after leaving that vile mess! With the stars and their entourage in place, skank ensues.

God, sticking her ass in the air is just like shaking hands for Bootz, isn't it? I shudder to imagine her in a receiving line.

Beatuful is having one of those "I'm ashamed to be female" moments. I feel you, girl.

Note the nearly-scientific interest the dude in black is taking to Bootz' groin region. He's not the only one; either Ying or Yang (I couldn't tell you which) is captivated by Bootz' show and offers to put her in a video. She refuses, knowing how Flav feels about anyone other than himself profiting from the show. I only know that is what she was offered thanks to the miracle of the Flav-Lation:

He's incoherent, but honest.

While Bootz is acquainting everyone with her badonkadonk, Like Dat is going more of the I'm-down-for-wild-fun route, yelling enthusiastically about something (kinda like me in my 'Carl!' stage; once I'd had a couple drinks, my instinctual response to anything was "Woooo!").

Despite having about 12 pounds of clothing on, she does an impressively graceful dive into the pool.

Yeah, she may claim the ghetto, but methinks someone's had some pretty good swimming lessons at some point.

Nibblez, meanwhile, is diving into the booze.

She gives a lap dance to the largest dude there, a mere entourage member rather than a full-blown star.

I can't tell if Buckeey is more grossed out by the skanky behavior, or the fact that it wasn't even used on an actual recording artist. As Nibblez drinks more, the inevitable happens:

Gaah! Well, that happens, too, but so does this:

The dudes at the party are apparently equally nauseated by Krazy's inability to quote one of Flav's songs, despite claiming to love his music. Krazy handles this in absolutely the wrong way:

For some reason, Krazy feels that Deelishis owes her some crib notes to a Public Enemy song. You know what would be a better source for such information?

If I were Krazy, I'd have said that I'd heard his music but didn't know it very well, seeing as how Public Enemy's last good album (Apocalypse '91: The Enemy Strikes Black) came out about the same time Krazy was in 4th grade. Then I'd say that I knew him best from Surreal Life and was attracted to the man I saw there. Of course, that's assuming that these guys would have accepted any answer from her. They're clearly there solely to leer at and/or pick on the women.

And I think it's telling that no members of Public Enemy have come near this show. The people who put Flav on the map won't touch him with a 10-foot pole while a VH-1 camera is rolling and a skank is in the frame. I tried to imagine Chuck D's response to the antics of Bootz and Nibblez, and the image that came to mind was of a man scowling so hard, his face turned inside out. (Which is why I'm a Chuck D fan.)

However, the buddies of Flav that are willing to appear on camera have no such issues. What does Ying (or Yang) think of Deelishis?

"Booty-booty-booty-booty ride it down the well"? Is that -- I have no idea. Well, what does he think of Bootz?

"Booty-booty-booty-booty rocket underwear"? What the hell, man? I'm starting to feel like David Huddleston's cranky ass in The Big Lebowski: "You speak English, son? Parlez-usted ingles?"

The upshot of the evaluations is: Krazy is a phony; Like Dat is very cool, but someone you'd only like "as a friend"; everyone else is fine and merits several hoots about their ass. I'd like to revisit that bit about Like Dat having only mental appeal. Have these men never looked in a mirror? Ultimately, hotness seeks its own level. You can't buy it; you can only rent it until it gets a peek at the pool boy, and then it's all over. Besides, at some point, the syphillis will affect your eyesight and then you'll actually have to talk to hotness, and you might find yourself longing for someone you genuinely liked as a friend. (I unapologetically wish romantic misery on all these shallow cheeseballs.)

Two people I do *not* wish misery on are Like Dat and Buckwild, who are still having that same conversation about Buckwild's accent. She claims that she takes on the accent of whomever she's near, which I can relate to and understand. My only problem with this is that her accent slips a little bit every time she talks to the camera. I dunno; maybe an off-camera surfer is conducting the interviews.

Buckwild gets progressively more upset over the idea of her accent being perceived as racist and decides that if the folks in the house (and, presumably, in the audience as well) think she's acting like a racist, she should leave. Like Dat says that she should stay to prove that she's not a racist and -- I honestly think they're both still drunk from the pool party, 'cause they're getting all emotional and weird over this.

Yeah. See? Emotional and weird. But oddly sweet.

Equally weird, less emotional and far less sweet is Flav's invitation to Buckeey to hang out in bed with him the next morning. They snuggle, make out, dry-hump each other (I whimper audibly) and then Buckeey goes back to her day with an ass-grab from Flav to send her on her way.

Meanwhile, Bootz has gone a full 24 hours without picking a fight with someone, so she's clearly jonesing for a scrap. She tells Krazy she thinks she's a fake-ass bitch, and some stupid, loud argument ensues in which Bootz proves nothing other than: a. She watched the first season of Flavor of Love. b. She's a hateful cow with more anger management issues than brain cells.

Shut the fuck up, Bootz.

Oy. Oh, but wait! Flav loves it! He thinks Bootz's pathology is actually passion, and decides to reward her by swimming with her in the pool.

I hope that belly flop left a big, painful mark. Flav feels all up on Bootz in and out of the pool, and she's left with a big smile and a raggedy-ass weave.

See, I would compare the status of Bootz's weave with that of her soul, but we only have proof that she has a weave.

While Bootz is infecting the pool with bile and stupidity, Krazy borrows a book from Nibblez. I'm pleasantly surprised that [1] Nibblez has a book with her [2] she recommends it to Krazy, saying that it might be helpful to her [3] it's a kind of collection of inspirational and thoughtful quotes. I really like Nibblez, dammit; I just wish she'd quit debasing herself and start wearing a damn bra.

Oh, dear. Speaking of debasing herself, Like Dat decides that it's time for her to get groped by Flav. And although she goes about it in the worst possible way, Flav's response soon makes it clear that there was no viable way to do it in the first place.

Oh, honey. No. There are certain types of men who, once they see you in an apron, will imagine you in an apron from there on out and expect you to wait on them hand and foot. Flav is totally one of those guys. Like Dat makes a pitch to Flav for some alone time and then gets a few negligees for him to pick one. Flav laughingly tells the camera that his choices were "big-girl lingerie" or "big-girl lingerie" -- like, what else were you expecting, you nitwit? Did you think the third option would be some kind of shrink ray attached to a bustier? Girl's big!

Oh, hold the phone. Hold the goddamn phone. Am I really watching Flav laugh at someone else's body size? Am I truly seeing a 5'2" man with the physique of a french fry left to cook in the grease basket too long mocking someone else's appearance? Is he actually rolling on the floor with laughter over the prospect that Like Dat might think that he might be attracted to her? Dead to me. Dead. To. Me.

Not surprisingly, Like Dat is let go at that night's elimination ceremony. The other skanks are sad to see her go. Flav tells the camera he eliminated her to spare her any embarrassment. After rolling on the floor laughing at her. Too late, asshole. I hope that Like Dat kicks his ass at the reunion show, but I can totally see her running up to him and hugging him, just like she did to Warren G. Like Dat, you don't know your own worth, which is a damn shame.

You know what's even more of a shame, though? That New York is back on my freakin' TV!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaugh! Sweet ammonium nitrate, did the rehab not take?! She's lost a bunch of weight (including some from her nose, it looks like) and gained a weave Beyonce wouldn't use to wipe her butt with.

I'm with Deelishis on this. We see some previews of New York yelling at everybody, acting like some kind of coked-up prima donna and generally sowing discord wherever she goes.

Did anybody else see the Natalie Cole episode of Behind The Music? Remember the photos from when she was on the pipe hardcore? I'm just saying.

There's so much wrong with that picture, I can't even find a place to start. I will say this, though: New York might finally give Bootz the smackdown she so richly deserves. And then, if Flav winds up with the survivor, he'll get the living nightmare he so richly deserves.

Comments

[cheesemeister]

Oh, how I agree with you!
In the dictionary beside the word "ho," you will find Bootz' picture.
I believe that Flav has also been added to my "Dead to me" list. I used to love this guy! In fact when I was going through my divorce and my bipolar disorder was as yet untreated, I had something of a crush on him. Which goes to show that it helps to have untreated mental problems and be desperate to actually be interested in this dreadful little toad of a man. If Chuck D is the crown prince of rap, Flav is surely the jester, and at this moment I don't mean that in a good way. Could you imagine Chuck ever doing something this lame in the event that his twenty-ish year marriage went down the toilet? I didn't think so!
Which also goes quite a ways towards explaining why Chuck has been married for so long and Flav is still groping a skank a night! Gaaaaah! The social diseases he has brushes with on a daily basis! It blasts the sanity to imagine!
Thanks for another great write up. Honestly I look forward to these more than I do to the show!
Peace,
Cie

[jaleel]

i love newyork she is a fin women

[Alfredo]

Dat girl has a nice azz

[yazmine]

i DONT CARE WHAT NO BODY SAY BOOTZ IS THE BEST AND DELICIUOS. BOOTZ WAS ABOUT TO WHOOP NEW YORK DUSTY ASS. dELICIUOS WAS ABOUT TO SLICE HER ASS UP.

[JaShia]

Bootz is the HBIC AND SHE NEED to whoop new york ugly man looking ass.

[Smo0thy]

IF I HAD BO0TZ IT WOULD REALLY BE LIKE FUCK WIFEY...CAUSE BOOTS IS YA AVERAGE HOOD BITCH...SHE TOO BAD IMA FALL OUT WHEN I SEE HA...AND I ANIT NO GROUPIE TYPE

[devonte]

bootz is hot

[bam]

damn boots i would want to get in u to

[morgan]

I have to say...that bootz..buckey and delicous was gonna whoop newyork ass...and personally....nobody will ever love newyork...thats why tango..ninja turtle looking ass....treated her...and on i love newyork 2....won't nobody ever love her...breast implant having ass...she is to fake and to nasty..with her horny ass

[.]

BOOTZ IS FINE
I LOVE HER SEXY ASS

[me]

larissa look so good
dam she just 2 fine

[mike]

bootz iz da sexiest bitch alive she can ride my dick anytime

[big poppa]

That's some funny stuff. I look forward to more of your comments. And that "New York," is one ugly horse faced, no class bitch. The last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

[NICHOLE]

bOOTS IS THE BIGGEST HO AROUND, TALKI NG BOUT SHE SULLAVANT SHE PROBABLY BEEN THREW EVERYBODY N THE HOOD, THAT RAGGEDY ASS WEAVE. i WANNA BEAT THAT BITCH ASS, I BET SHE WON'T TRY ME LIKE SHE TRIED SMILEY ON CHARM SCHOOL, SHE ONLY MESSES WITH THE GIRLS WHO CAN'T FIGHT HER CHILDISH ASS, i MEAN SOMEBODY NEED TO DIG N HER ASS QUICKLY, i MIGHT BE THE ONE WHO JUST MIGHT DO IT. wITH HER OLD SKANKISH ASS. nEW yORK IS THE BEST

[Miss Brittany]

wow.
i love bootz "larissa"!
shes just like ME.

i want 2 meet her.
shes doing her shit well.!

[De Marcus Mitchell]

All my Larissa...Or should i say Bootz fan i luv yall. Our girl is jus truelly missunderstood and it seems as tho people feels as tho she's a B***** or wuteva but yall kno like i kno that she aint and they neeed to jus keep their mouths shut. i luv her and i cant wait to see whats NEXT!!!!!

[its me kimeka]

i think bootz is a sexy girl she is the hbic and i would turn gay for that ass girl