2-7: The Gloves Come Off

I'm still just dumbstruck by how much vitriol and drama is stirred up in the name of Flav. This episode seemed to be one nonstop fight between various skanks in different permutations. For the first time, though, we saw a clear team strategy, as Buckeey, Deelishis and Bootz joined forces against Krazy and New York. Not that New York is on Krazy's side; the only crazy New York sides with is her own.

My thoughts exactly, Big Rick. (Good to see you again!)

The day begins with New York primping in the bathroom, talking about how she's now officially ensconced in the mansion, and the other skanks griping about her and rolling their eyes. Soon, a Flav-o-Gram is delivered, proclaiming that the five of them must vote on which two they'd most like to see leave the house and -- oh, come on. Couldn't the producers have been a little more creative in the challenge designed to isolate New York and some other pathetic fool?

The other pathetic fool in question turns out to be Krazy. Deelishis doesn't like her, Bootz and New York have already yelled at her once and Buckeey has no problem piling on. Krazy and Bootz rehash their previous fight -- something about Krazy being fake and Bootz shoving her ass in people's faces.

You know, I can't find any pictures of the Grinch making this kind of face. Which means Bootz is even more of an asshole. Of course, we kinda knew that. One interesting upshot of this argument is that Buckeey reveals that Krazy brought along a demo tape. (Okay, you must visit Krazy's MySpace site and listen to the song on it: "Eternal." It's spectacularly bad. "The doctor said it's frightening/He spotted tumors in your head." I am not making that up.)

So Krazy's picture is put into the Box O'Doom, and then New York is nominated by the BBD trio -- no, not Bell Biv Devoe, Bootz, Buckeey and Deelishis, although I think any episode of FoL would benefit from some New Jack swing. (Fun fact: the "Poison" video had the BBD mission statement scroll across the bottom, assuring viewers that the music they were listening to was "mentally hip hop, smoothed out on the R&B tip with a pop feel appeal to it." Good to know!)

Anyway, citing behavior like the finger-in-the-forehead maneuver, BBD puts New York in the BO'D. 'Cause that girl is poison.

Flav comes in the room and asks what their decision is. He seems upset that they chose the two women he was "feeling" the most. Dude, when you ask someone for their opinion, don't be surprised if you get it. At first, BBD think they might be screwed, that this was all some cruel trick, but Flav says that he'll put New York and Krazy on hold for the next day and a half and spend time with BBD. New York is upset and claims her heart can't take it, and I find myself wishing a prolapsed mitral valve on her.

Buckeey gets the first date, an afternoon of bowling with Flav. Flav...

... can't bowl. Note that the ball is behind him.

Buckeey does much better, despite the distractions around her.

In fact, she encourages his manhandling of her hind-al region.

We are mercifully taken to the balcony of Casa Flav, where Krazy has decided that the enemy of her enemies is her friend, despite this "friend"'s haranguing of her the week before. Krazy gripes about how Deelishis has turned on her, and compliments New York on her --

Okay, when I yell at the skanks to wear a bra, I mean under something! Jesus. Anyway, Krazy tells New York how "real" she is, while New York tells the camera how clueless and gullible Krazy is.

Nice.

Buckeey and Flav return from bowling, then it's time for his date with Bootz. She doesn't even get to leave the house; they just hit the pool out back.

I really hope that's a different plate of spaghetti & meatballs than the one he took out to the strawberry patch with Deelishis. Bootz and Flav are playing grab-ass in the pool and everything is going well until Flav asks Bootz if she could see herself making love to him. "After we're married," she replies. I'm still trying to wrap my head around the apparent contradiction of greeting people by sticking your ass in the air while remaining celibate until vows have been taken. I think she just doesn't want to hit it with Flav.

And really, who can blame her? Flav manages to make himself even more disgusting by trying to talk her out of it, claiming that she's breaking his heart. Is he in 11th grade or something? (Fun fact: Flav was in 11th grade in 1976, well before most of the remaining skanks were born. [I maintain that New York is closer to 30 than she is to the 23 she claims.])

The next day, Flav surprises Deelishis by crawling into her single bed... right next to New York's bed.

The psychic pain caused by that image is ameliorated by the fact that it caused New York pain as well, so I figure it evens out. The skanks gather downstairs, where a Flav-O-Gram tells Deelishis to get ready for her date with Flav. This truly feels like a set-up to me, and it irks that the show's machinations are so transparent. As transparent as New York's attempt to get revenge for Deelishis's snuggling with Flav, as she decides to tell Deelishis just what she thinks of her.

What follows is great for so many reasons:
1. Deelishis bellowing, "I'm a fucking lady!"
2. Deelishis practically backing New York out of the room, adding credence to my theory that New York is nothing but a paper tiger
3. This clip, and not just because my dear Big Rick has returned:

Wow. First, we have New York in some kind of towel-dress. Then we have Deelishis delivering the ultimate smackdown to her: "A man ain't never fucked me and left me the next day." Snap!! That's right, New York, Flav slept with you and then picked someone else. He sampled the wares, and sent them back. And based on New York's bug-eyed-crazy response, you know Deelishis hit a nerve. The bit with New York skipping out of the room like a 5-year-old was creepy and more than a little bit grotesque -- par for the course from New York, though.

Clearly, the date is not messed up; Deelishis meets Flav downstairs and, to my utter astonishment, I think Flav looks kinda nice. It's like he's had an intervention from Trinny and Susannah or something. When he wears clothes that kinda fit him, he looks like a normal-sized person. When he's in clothes several sizes too big, he looks like a shriveled gnome. Also, whatever he's done with his hair under that hat makes me think he'd look better with a short haircut. Flav, the older you get -- and the younger the women you try to date -- the more you'd do well to embrace proportion in your clothing.

Speaking of proportions, in the limo, Flav asks Deelishis if he's too small for her; she tells him she wouldn't change a thing about him and asks if maybe she's too big for him.

Honey, have you seen Brigitte Nielsen? You might come up to her shoulder, and she's Flav's once and future soulmate.

Deelishis and Flav have an Arabian-themed date, complete with a camel ride and a snog in a tent. Flav asks Deelishis about her friendship with Krazy (*cough*set-up!*cough*) and she mentions the demo tape and her suspicions about Krazy's intentions for Flav. She seems quite happy to part with this information as well; I guess you can't trust a big butt and a smile.

Back at the mansion, Krazy is out on the balcony talking to New York again and smoking like a pair of homesick Turks. Even Krazy's dense ass has picked up on the BBD troika, and she's complaining about how Buckeey and Bootz are essentially Deelishis's yes-men. Hearing her name, Buckeey comes outside to challenge Krazy. Another pointless fight ensues, but this one gets physical.

Before the first shove, Buckeey keeps saying "get your hands off me," but it seems to me that Krazy simply had her arm up to get past Buckeey back to her seat. I think Buckeey was very much on the offensive on this one, but I draw the line somewhere before Krazy and New York's assertion that if the railing hadn't been there, Krazy would have gone over. If the railing hadn't been there, the house would be condemned. That's why building codes exist: so stumbles or skirmishes don't result in two-story falls.

Regardless, Buckeey is convinced that Krazy pushed her first, and Bootz, despite not being there, agrees wholeheartedly, so Deelishis is greeted by this sight when she gets back from her date with Flav:

Look, they can't wait to tattle to Big Mama Deelish. Deelishis goes out onto the balcony, and a cacophony of squawking begins between Deelishis, Bootz and Krazy. This is my favorite part:

(Sorry about the rough ending on the video.) Nothing proclaims "trashy" with a bullhorn and a rented sky-writing plane like the classic "If I was a ho, I'd be a top-dollar ho!" Honestly, once you've begun positing that, you've lost your case. (And frankly, if Bootz was a prostitute, I can totally see all the other prostitutes in the area beating the crap out of her with their shoes, leaving her in less than top-dollar shape.)

While the argument is going on, Flav walks over to New York and -- shudder --

As if to say, "Well done, my little shit-stirrer." New York claims that she won the whole enchilada, because while the other skanks were fighting, she had the attention of Flav all to herself. Yeah. What a prize. Not that New York's all that herself:

She's still in that awful towel-dress! And all that attention to the weave results in a head of hair that looks like this:

But I guess New York is used to wasted effort by now. She tells Flav that Buckeey definitely escalated the argument, and that she was worried for Krazy's safety. So it's no great surprise that the final clock in elimination comes down to Krazy vs. Buckeey.

And it's Buckeey's turn to go home. I kinda wonder if he gave her that name because her two front teeth are kinda prominent. I guess we'll never know.

So now, we're down to a perfectly symmetrical final four: Bootz and Deelishis vs. Krazy and New York. Or Bootz vs. New York and Krazy vs. Deelishis. 'Cause when you get down to it, none of these skanks can stand each other. (And I'm none too fond of any of them.)

What the nutjob said.

Comments

[skanks are funny]

Sadly, I've been waiting for the update all day. My only complaint is there were no, "Shut the fuck ups" this week in your commentary. (wink)

Thanks for the laughs!

[Shawna]

Ewww. Does Flav ever do anything that isn't nasty? Did he set up the entire bowling thing just so he could pretend to fuck someone doggy style? God he is repulsive.

[cheesemeister]

I no longer think it's my imagination. Flav gets sleazier every time I see him. If, by some horrific twist of fate I ever woke up with him, and he was laying on my arm, I would chew my arm off to escape and then bathe in Clorox before plummeting from a cliff!

[SueBee]

"shriveled gnome"....
none can say it better.
you are a goddess.

[dollabill]

the whole time Flava of love aired,I cheered
on buckey the whole time.She's my baby!!!!!!

shout out 2 bootz,delicious,beautiful,and buckey..........

[tanisha]

all i gotta say is that it should of been bootz buckeey and deelishis that's not even right that made me so sad to see bootz and buckeey leavin newyork and krazy should od took their germatic asses on somewhere b4 i hurt both of them bitches