There was a distinctly nasal tone to this week's episode. Between Bootz's snapping, Krazy's singing and New York's perpetual pouting and complaining, I'm surprised my own sinuses didn't start vibrating out of some sort of sympathetic resonance.
Let me just say this preemptively: shut the fuck up, all y'all skanks. You too, Flav.
At last! An appearance by the one person left on this show that I still have some fondness and respect for. You can count on Big Rick to hold down the fort, making sure even the clock-wearing, cane-sporting tyrannosaurus sculpture is in top shape.
Okay, back to the skanks. The episode begins with Bootz and Deelishis dishing about how annoying New York is and how stupid Krazy is (agreed on both counts). Soon, all four skanks gather downstairs for their Flav-O-Gram. New York reads the missive, which tells Deelishis and Krazy that they'll be joining Flav for an overnight trip with a nautical theme, and Bootz and New York will go out of town with Flav the following day. Guess who's not too pleased to go second?
In typical New York fashion, she storms upstairs; then the other skanks proceed to mock her.
Two things make this moment great: First, that she references her college major for her mad reading skillz and second, that she makes a grammatical error when she notes, "It say slicing." Like English majors need another reason to feel depressed.
Deelishis and Krazy are taken out to meet Flav on a sailboat, where they are joined by...
Boy, nothing says "adventure on the high seas" like the name Captain Warren, does it? That's right up there with Orvis the Pirate. Flav and the skanks get to work operating the sails, which requires Krazy and Deelishis to do some squat-thrust-y moves of some sort while Flav ogles them in bikinis. Deelishis makes out with Flav, then Krazy makes out with Flav, then...
Yeah, me neither. Back at the mansion, New York is similarly laid up, having taken to her bed to bitch about Krazy and Deelishis having quality time with Flav. Bootz listens to her and --
Sweet Carefree Curl, that's a lot of hair! That's like late-80s-Cher amounts of hair! Damn.
After their afternoon of sailing, smooching and speeyacking, Flav, Krazy and Deelishis arrive at their accomodations for the night: The Queen Mary, which Flav tells us is haunted. Haunted by the ghosts of cheesy prom fashions from two decades ago, by the look of the dresses he's picked out for the two skanks:
At dinner, Flav asks Krazy how much she's "feeling" him, and she answers some weird kind of nonsense. Honestly, I have no idea what she's saying and I'm not entirely sure she does, either. Just when I'm shaking my head in confusion, he asks her to sing. She complies, and ... it's not good.
Of course, that was Ave Maria as performed by a virtuoso compared to this charming performance on V-Spot. (The shotgun sound effect has cracked me up every single one of the eight times I've watched it.) Deelishis's responses during Krazy's soliloquy on her love for Flav and her vocal performance are quite eloquent:
From some angles, she looks a little bit like Janet Jackson. From others, there's still a lot of Tito in there. When it's her turn to tell Flav how she feels, Deelishis mentions what she knew about him publicly (a direct slam to Krazy's inability to quote a Flav song) and the surprising depth of her feelings for him. She kinda-sorta challenges him to show her how he feels, and he complies by taking her back to his room, leaving Krazy alone at the table. "I'm sitting here with my dessert, and it's like, what am I supposed to do with it?" You know, she really isn't the sharpest tool in the shed.
Once Deelishis and Flav are back in his stateroom, they cuddle on the couch and then she gets on the bed and...
Subtle!
Classy!
This is accompanied by the sound of Flav snoring. Get used to it, Deelishis.
The next day, Flav takes New York and Bootz out to a vinyard -- which New York pronounces as if it's hyphenated or something: "vin-yaaaard." I sometimes wonder if maybe she's an alien sent to learn about our Earth ways, and that's why her behavior is so damn odd. Or maybe she just can't get right, and that's a comprehensive kind of condition that affects even her pronunciation.
To get to the vin-yaaard, the three of them have to ride horses. Bootz is fine with this, but New York insists that she doesn't like animals (once again, let me note that critters can sense evil -- or aliens! -- and so her avoidance of them is crucial to maintaining her cover). Nonetheless, she gets on her horse, but is not happy about it:
I imagine the horse feels much the same way. Not surprisingly, New York's horse is kinda skittish, what with having an evil alien on his or her back, and so the ride to the grape fields is pretty rocky for New York. Once they've arrived at the picnic area, Bootz, New York and Flav sample some wines (read: get drunk) and then hop into a vat of grapes. FYI: If you're offered any 2006 Merlot from the Wilson Creek Winery? Pass.
They roll around in the grapes, then shower off and make out, sammich-style. I shudder and look away. Eventually, they head to a resort with its own private nightclub, which has been rented out for the evening (you know it's a Monday night or something). I feel the need to further clarify my wear-a-damn-bra-y'all memo: wear a bra, wear it under something, but wear it in such a way that I can't see the straps.
Of course, New York looks perfectly debutante-esque next to Bootz:
What the hell is Bootz wearing? A tank top of some ilk, plus a denim skirt with white panels on the side? And is it my imagination, or is the skirt not completely zipped up? Maybe Bootz figures she's toast after telling Flav she wouldn't be sleeping with him and just can't be arsed to bother anymore.
Whoa. That is straight-up LaToya hair, right there. And could it look any more weave-like, all piled up an inch or two back from her hairline like that? Yeah, she's given up on some level. She still flirts happily with Flav, though, and he flirts back.
Did he intend to look like Rodney Dangerfield, or is that just a kind of happy accident? Either way, Bootz and Flav are having a fun time, and it drives New York (further) insane. She gets up from the table and stalks off, pretending that she doesn't want the cameras on her. When Flav inevitably runs after her, she can't hide her smile. She pouts over her lack of one-on-one time with him thus far, and he placates her by saying that he was planning to invite her back to his room that night -- well, of course he was! He wouldn't get laid with Bootz, and New York is a sure thing if ever there was one!
New York and Flav come back to the table, where Bootz tells them that she thinks it's ridiculous for Flav to keep chasing after New York.
I swear, Bootz is clearly never more alive than when she's spewing anger at someone. This is how I'll always think of her: with her mouth open and her eyes gleaming maliciously. New York rubs it in that she's going to go back to Flav's room, and for a second or two there, I wonder if she's overplayed her hand, but she and Flav soon leave the table.
I'm just going to warn you about what follows. You may never be able to erase these sounds and images from your mind. Therapy might be called for.
It took several viewings before I could get through that clip without sobbing hysterically in horror. Something about the "wuuuaaaugh" noises that New York made behind the closed doors reminded me of the old Monty Python bit about the sound of John Denver being strangled. I think she also made a noise not unlike Chewbacca at one point.
I need to lie down.
Once Flav and the skanks return to the mansion, it's time for elimination.
Oh, Bootz has totally given up. That dress makes her look like a spandex pyramid. When bestowing the first clock, Flav drags out the last word of "I'm giving this clock toooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo" for about 15 seconds, causing Bootz to yell "Flav!" and call his bluff. New York and Deelishis get clocks, then Flav does the whole "one clock, two bodies" business. Of course, since Bootz won't sleep with him, she's outta there. But before she leaves...
"Give me a call when you get tired of these hos." And yes, she fished that number out of her cleavage. Classy to the end, that Bootz!
It's worth it for the look on Big Rick's face.
After the champagne has been dumped on the rug, we're shown previews of next week's inevitable "family affair" episode.
Hey, maybe Flav can identify his kids! Well, their moms have probably had his VH1 wages garnished for child support, so maybe he's paid up again. That, or these kids are just rentals.
And we're treated to the sight of New York's Moms telling her daughter, "I have a condition." Just the one?
"Took a chunck out of each other"???????????????
I just.... sheesh.
Posted by: Felicia | September 27, 2006 at 01:32 AM
The sounds...the horrifying sounds!
As if I didn't have reason enough to remain celibate at this point in my life, that clinched it for me!
Posted by: cheesemeister | September 28, 2006 at 09:26 AM
I can't stand New York. I'm glad Deelishis won. WHEN'S THE WEDDING DATE?
Posted by: Vickie Price | October 23, 2006 at 04:49 PM