2-11: South of the Border... of Sanity

Let me apologize for the recap being a day late. There were a couple of external factors (the late air time, my beast of a cold), but honestly, after watching this episode, I just felt drained. It was like the time I watched the "Farting Preacher" videos over and over all afternoon and laughed so hard for so long that I felt emotionally wiped out. However, the finale of Flavor of Love lacks the light-heartedness of Robert Tilton accompanied by an enthusiastic, well-timed whoopie cushion.

Not that a farting soundtrack wouldn't make moments like this a little easier to take.

My prediction of last week, that Mama New York would force Flav's hand by making him admit that he isn't in love with her daughter, never comes to pass. She turns out to be something of a paper tiger after all. She returns to the mansion after the elimination ceremony and knocks on Flav's door, then makes a typically dramatic pronouncement: "Game over." She says she's going to get her daughter and leave. Flav wishes her luck, as he doesn't think New York will go home.

Who the hell has an argument with their mom with their boobs hanging out? New York basically tells her mom that she's not going anywhere except to Belize, and after a lot of bleeping, Mama NY accepts that grudgingly. She walks back to Flav's room and grumbles a bit more, at one point instructing him, "Don't you ever ask her to marry you." Interestingly, Flav refuses to aquiesce, saying that if he ever does fall in love with her (interesting choice of words), then he might well pop the question. A thankfully dressed New York gives her mom a kind of in-your-face hoochie dance. Classy!

Flav notes that if New York starts acting like her mom, he'll put her on the back burner and run off with Deelishis. And my eyes start the first of many rolls; could this be any more blatant? I wonder -- I just wonder -- if New York will begin acting like her mom over the next hour or so. Not that she doesn't already act like an insufferable jackass, as witnessed by Deelishis's tempered anticipation of the trip.

The next day, the threesome leaves the mansion and flies to Belize, where Flav and New York are greeted like ... well, not like rock stars, but certainly with the fanfare befitting two stars of reality TV (a bunch of tarmac workers yell happily at them). They take a smaller flight from Belize City to Placencia, where they settle in at a resort on the Gulf Coast. The resort staff presents them with coconut drinks that match Flav's suit perfectly, and gives Flav a hand-carved walking stick, which merits a 10-second long "Waaaaaaooooooow."

Flav tells Deelishis that he'll see her in about half an hour and tells New York that he'll see her tomorrow. This, not surprisingly, does not go over well.

Flav and Dee hit the beach, where two massage tables and a tent with a rather obvious make-out pad are set up for them. And the inevitable happens.

Perhaps equally inevitable is New York's determination to spy on them, while wondering if she should crash the date or not.

Eventually, the tongue-bath is interrupted for a tandem massage, during which Flav and Dee hold hands, which I find rather sweet, in spite of myself. New York, meanwhile...

Oy. Flav's date with Deelishis continues, as the two have a nice dinner. She asks him how he feels about her, and he says that he loves how it feels when he kisses her and that she's got a great sense of humor and a big heart, and "you're not ugly." She wants to make sure that he's going to make his decision from his heart and not based on what will make good TV. I'm not sure if it's the editing or the fact that it's down to her vs. New York, but I'm liking Deelishis a lot (and feeling a bit like the stooge of reality TV for doing so).

Back at Flav's room, they run into a snag when Deelishis's dress won't unzip and Flav has to bust out a kitchen knife to liberate his date from her dress. They make out in his bed, but she seems to be wearing some elastic-intensive nightgown. The next day, she comments on his choice of nightwear:

Deelishis returns to the skank hacienda, says "Good morning" to New York and gets a laugh in response. Oh, criminy. New York tells the camera that it's time for her claws to come out.

(This would be another great moment for a fart in the soundtrack.) Dee heads off to bed, but New York wants her to join her for breakfast. "No," says Deelishis, "You're just going to be evil." I gotta hand it to her for just putting it out there like that. Dee tells the camera, "Drama. You look it up in the dictionary, and New York's face would be there like..."

I think it would be more like this, myself:

But I take Dee's point. She joins New York for breakfast, insisting that it must be civilized. "Oh, it's going to be civilized. Maybe," New York tells her. Jeebus. "Stop it," says Dee. "Stop what? Toast?" This is why I don't like being around preschoolers. New York says that Deelishis is just a money-grubber, prompting Dee to say that her daughter's father has "money, over money, over money" so that's not really an issue for her. (I have got to work that "over money" phrase into my life; I just have no idea when I'd get a chance to use it.) New York tells Deelishis that she's clueless, and Dee tells her that she's acting like Whitney Houston.

What follows is an amazing synergy of two of my favorite TV shows. I never dared to dream that Flavor of Love would meet Being Bobby Brown, but behold!

Err, you might not want to count your Houston-Browns before they're hatched, New York. Soon, a message arrives for New York from Flav. Dee reads it, as her reading skills are more finely-honed. It tells New York to get bikinified and meet Flav outside for their date. Never one to leave any depth unplumbed, she yells at Deelishis that she left her razor in case Dee wants to shave her moustache. I've said it before, I'll say it again: whatever, Carl Weathers.

New York's date with Flav takes them, once again, to a yacht. In the finale of Season 1, Flav and New York made out ickily on a yacht, then he got her to attempt kayaking. Since then, she seems to have developed a major aversion to water, claiming that as an Earth sign, she can't be expected to deal with the stuff that covers 2/3 of the Earth's surface.

Flav seems to take her newly discovered hydrophobia in stride, but what he doesn't tolerate is her poking into his business, asking how and with whom he slept the night before. She tries to play it off, but then insists that she has a right to know. She goes on to talk about planning their lives together, and this just sounds so much like a badly-executed improv exercise that I can't buy one second of it.

So it doesn't bother me as much as it should when Flav flips out over her trying to give him orders. He does this weird "Who gives the orders? Who gives the orders?" thing with her, and won't even accept "we do" as an answer. Now, if this was a genuine encounter between two people, I'd send New York a shore-to-ship telegram telling her to get the hell out of that relationship, 'cause not even New York deserves to be treated like a second-class citizen. But it's all just so fake, and even Flav seems glad to be done with it. "I give the orders -- let's jump in the waters!" he yells.

He convinces a squealing, sputtering New York to go in the water for a little while, which she does, before being hauled out, then hawking and flicking a rather impressive salt-water loogie into the beautiful azure sea (which is kind of a fitting metaphor for New York's presence in any situation).

Flav and New York have dinner, and she tells him that her greatest fear is being dumped by him again. I can't get past the fact that Flav's scarf-hat combo make him look like Huggy Bear crossed with a Cheryl Tiegs "Sweet Honesty" ad:

Flav, of course, invites New York back to his room, where he proceeds to take one of the longest leaks since Austin Powers defrosted. In that time, New York rethinks the prospect of sleeping with Flav again and being dumped the next day (which Deelishis called her on earlier, you may recall).

She decides to go back to her room, and Flav respects her viewpoint. Perhaps he knows that it will have the lifespan of a donut around Star Jones. Sure enough, she comes back within moments.

At least we're spared both the squealing sound effects and the sight of Flav yelling about being a P-I-M-P. The next day, New York goes home and a light rain falls over Placencia. Flav mulls his decision, including a cute moment where he yells, "Deelishis! New York!" then dives into the water, and we can hear a bubbly, gargly "New York! Deelishis!" and a "Flavor Flaaaaaaav!" when he surfaces. He sends over gift baskets and dresses to the two contestants. Apparently, his note to New York describes her dress as "sophisticated." Yyyyyyyyeah.

Honestly, both the dresses look like something from the clearance rack at RAVE, but I've grown to expect that from this show. Equally entertaining is the sight of New York's hair before and after encountering the rain. Here it is before she leaves the room:

Lord, it's Whitley Gilbert goes to the prom! Now let's see it after the rain hits it:

Flav does his usual stream-of-consciousness intro: "Before me, I see two dimes. Two diamonds. It takes pressure to make a diamond. Diamonds are a girl's best friend." If he starts quoting "Diamonds" by Herb Alpert and Janet Jackson, I'm outta there. He talks about how much he likes Deelishis, and mentions her fear that this is all fake and done for TV. "But if it's all fake, and you're reacting to it, that must mean you're fake too." This makes no goddamn sense, and Deelishis says, "I disagree," before Flav moves on to New York and their "burning, fiery passion." I always mentally insert "itching and swollen" after burning when he says this. But all the inflamed passion in the world won't make up for New York's pedigree of crazy, and she is informed that her time is up.

She does not react well. A firestorm of profanity between New York and Flav ensues, culminating in New York telling Flav never to touch her again and:

Oh, like he hasn't seen that before. The bleeping continues as New York stalks off, including this schizophrenic gem:

I feel kinda bad for Deelishis, as that kinda cast a shadow over her being chosen by Flav. But then, why should that be anything to celebrate? Ah, hell, she seems happy.

And soon, I'm sporting a maniacal smile as well, because the reunion show in two weeks looks to be undiluted mayhem. These few seconds are reason alone to watch.

Buckwild throwing a water bottle! Deelishis threatening to whoop ass in the parking lot! Bootz -- I think -- sprinting across the stage to join the fracas! Yeah, this show may be faker than New York's weave, but it keeps giving me this kind of stuff, and I keep coming back for more. I'm a stooge, but I'm a happy one.

Comments

[Helen]

Well we all knew it was fake, but Lord help, I couldn't wait for the next installment. Now I love to watch Gene Simmions, and Hulk Hogan's show too. Worse than an adult soup-opera; but I'm hooked too. Helen

[Cheesemeister]

I actually felt bad for Deelishis being the winner. She'll learn soon enough that this troll can't stand a woman having any aspirations of her own and that once he gets bored with the initial pawing and groping he'll move on to the next month's flavor. He and New York actually at least deserved each other.

[Lauren]

I know this is an old post and, hell... the videos aren’t even up anymore but I had to comment. New York and her mother are a certain brand of crazy that is so out there and so dramatic it kills me. I too cannot help but roll my eyes with every little thing the two of them cook up. I generally feel bad for New York’s dad... stuck in between two drama queens... I’m surprised he is still around. He seems so docile and passive. I think that Deelishis has another thing coming when she finds out that that old dirty bastard is just that.