2-9: Return of the Moms

New York's Moms, that is! Yes, she's back, in all her fire-breathing glory, every bit as unpleasant as I recalled and willing to do anything, including lying about a terminal medical condition, to get her daughter out of Flav's clutches.

That's the face of evil, y'all. Oh, and the other skanks' parents show up too -- as do the next generation of Flavs!

The episode begins with the arrival of the Flav-O-Gram, notifying the skanks that it's time for a family reunion. Deelishis and Krazy are happy; New York is unnerved. For very, very obvious reasons. Perhaps it's that unease that causes her to pick a fight with Deelishis -- oh, who am I kidding; New York lives to pick fights.

Big Dee is cleaning the room she stays in, preparing it for her folks, when New York announces that since she too is staying in the room, the New Yorkers will be staying there. They squabble back and forth for a while. At one point, Deelishis tells New York, "You can't just order people around; you're not in charge here." "Yes, I am!" New York insists with a certainty that strikes up the creepy circus music in my head. She is just not right.

Well, she's crazy, but she's not stupid. To the camera (most definitely not to Deelishis's face), New York says that Dee is a good maid, and her slave. "I am her master," New York congratulates herself -- and is it just me, or is that a pretty twisted thing for one black woman to say about another? It's yet another bale on New York's hayride of crazy.

Deelishis's parents arrive downstairs, and their reunion is quite sweet.

Krazy's mom and grandmother arrive and -- sweet unripened ovaries, how old were they when they gave birth?! Krazy's grandma is, like, my age!

Y'know, give or take. The families greet their skanky offspring and each other -- then the music takes a sinister tone and you know who's on the way. We see a familiar, smiling face -- the longsuffering Papa New York -- and then the dragon rears its head:

They're not playing pattycake. Mama NY starts with yelling about how she doesn't want her daughter here. Flav tries to calm her down and maybe get a hug and she pushes him away. He orders her out of his house, and New York chases after her folks.

While Flav socializes with the friendly families, New York tries to convince her mom that Flav is all right.

I think there's something different about Mama NY's face this time around. Maybe she's doing her makeup differently; maybe she's gained or lost weight; maybe the presence of that ridiculous cowboy hat last season made her look less threatening. But now? That woman's face scares the living crap out of me.

I look at that face and I imagine her popping out of my closet in the middle of the night, the moonlight glinting off of her eyes and the blade of the axe she's holding, and -- I need a drink.

Whoo. Okay. Mama NY agrees to apologize to Flav (I shudder to think what the producers offered her to persuade her; why do I feel the phrase "the blood of innocents" was involved?) and she goes back into the house.

"[sigh] Yes, yes, let's hug it out, bitch... if I must."

Then Flav's kids arrive to complete the family setup. They're a fascinating mix of ages -- the oldest has/have produced 2 grandchildren and the youngest is, I dunno, 7ish? -- and names, ranging from the garden-variety "Karen" to the how-do-you-spell-that "Designer" -- and, in fact, I'm not at all sure that's how it's spelled.

But the kids themselves seem lovely, very well-behaved and not at all given to rhyming or yelling out their names (although it would've been kinda funny to hear the occasional cry of "Ka-aa-reeeeeeeen!"). Deelishis, to nobody's great surprise, gets along well with the kids. New York, to nobody's great surprise, unnerves the kids. This is Flav's youngest after being told by New York that she is the head bitch in charge:

It's often said that kids are good judges of character; look at that unease and alarm. New York explains her friction with the kids by telling the camera, "I was never a child. I came out of my mother and I was already... in the know." I am suddenly reminded of one of the many great lines from Soapdish, when Cathy Moriarty's terrifying soap queen bellows: "When I was a child, I wore too much makeup and everyone thought I was evil!" Sounds about right to me.

While the kids are won over by Deelishis and flat-out frightened by New York, they seem pretty open in their disdain for Krazy. And who can blame them? When asked about her feelings about stepmotherhood, Krazy says that although she'd be open to marrying Flav, she's not sure about the whole 6-stepkids thing, seemingly unaware that one kinda goes with the other. (Well, maybe not to a huge degree, given what I've read about Flav's child-support issues.) When speaking of her college aspirations, Krazy says that she'd like to study "um... uh... what do you call it?" Wow. Too stupid to just make something up. That's painful.

Mama NY takes her daughter back into the house to continue trying to talk her out of staying. She finally pulls the ultimate bullshit power play: "There's something wrong with me. I have a condition." No argument there. "I don't have long... it's so rare, they don't even have a name for it yet." New York actually sees through this crap and asks her mom if it's a ploy. Pause. Beat. "Yes, it's a ploy." Jesus! (Now I'm reminded of Shaun of the Dead, when Shaun tries to pull the my-stepdad-molested-me ploy to his mom, but admits it's a miserable lie immediately when called on it.)

Flav calls his kids into the living room to ask their opinions, and I'm struck by how perceptive and on-the-ball these kids are. (Well, not the two on his lap there, but they're grandkids, so they don't quite count.) Even the younger kids recognize Krazy as fake and prone to talking a lot without saying anything. They acknowledge New York's tendency toward drama and arrogance and they all seem to think Deelishis was okay. Flav shooes them out so he can go on a date, in what strikes me as a pretty rude fashion. The kids don't seem to appreciate it either. I hope they shortsheeted his bed.

Flav takes Deelishis and her parents to a magic show. It doesn't involve GOB Bluth or "The Final Countdown," so I quickly lose interest. Back at the mansion, the Krazy family is getting their drink on with a new friend...

'Uh oh,' I think. 'He's smiling. There's bound to be some internal sensor in Mama NY that's going off right now. She's probably on her way to shut that smile down.' And sure enough:

Eeeeeeeeeeeeee! Mama NY yells at everyone to pipe the hell down, prompting Krazy to retort that she doesn't have to talk to them as if they were children. A squabble with a lot of pointing results, causing Grandma to comment:

In the classic manner of abusers, Mama NY takes most of her anger out on her husband, shrieking at him for smiling (I knew it!) and yelling at him to get away from her. She retreats for a while, but later, when the Krazies are around the hot tub, New York comes out to squawk at Krazy for a while and her mom joins her and it's just a moment of profound, intergenerational tackiness:

Nowhere near as tacky, though, as what happens when Flav returns from his date and joins the families downstairs. But soft! What tune through yonder CD player breaks? It's the "tumors in your head" song from Krazy's MySpace page! Who left it in the stereo like that, where it could suddenly start playing at any moment all unexpected-like?

Of course she sings along! Badly! Flav isn't impressed.

The next day, the Krazies join Flav for a braiding session at a hair salon. In the van, Grandma Krazy pulls out some research she's done on Flav (Google-Google-Google!). He owns up to the bad behavior she found, and then some; his honesty and openness seems to put her at ease. And she doesn't look too bad in cornrows, really.

When he returns home, Flav tells the New Yorkers to get ready, for he has ordered dinner in from a soul food restaurant. He tells Mama NY this while she's still in bed (where she apparently spent most of the damn visit) and lets them know that dinner will be served in about 15 minutes. Two hours later, Flav decides to go get Mama NY.

Nice. The dinner doesn't improve much from there, though there is an interesting conversation about Flavor Flav vs. William Drayton, who the pint-size man before them truly is. Flav insists that he's both Flav the performer and William the man, and will be 'til the day he dies, and that he has an open heart. Not that open, though; when Mama NY asks him if he loves her daughter, there's a pause that hollers "NO!" before Flav says that he's open to that possibility. Ouchie.

New York can't seem to catch a break. While preparing for elimination, Mama NY asks her daughter, "What are you going to do if he doesn't pick you again? Oh, wait, he didn't pick you the first time." I think "bitch" at the exact moment New York mouths it at her mom, giving me the very uneasy feeling of being in New York's mind (and I don't like it there; it's all sticky and the floor is warped). New York is beset by anxiety and angst.

Poor thing doesn't know whether to cry or smoke. She's not so upset that she doesn't make a snide remark about Deelishis's mom's hair, calling it "plastic." Like that weave grew out of your head, Lamb Chop.

Deelishis gets the first clock, and after a minimum of hemming and hawing, New York gets the second. Krazy is sent home, after sniffling to the camera that she's not sure why Flav would let her go. Of course, she's also not sure what her alleged major was called, so there's clearly a lot that eludes our departed Heather (for that is her real name).

Flav says goodbye to the parents, as Mama NY makes New York's selection for the final two all about her.

She eventually relents and gives Flav a goodbye hug, but even that provokes wailing and gnashing of teeth.

Apparently, the tendency to make loud, unpleasant wailing noises runs in the family. As does the tendency to make unfortunate hair choices:

After the parents have departed (or... have they?), Flav tells the girls to pack their bags, 'cause they're going to Placencia, Belize! (Note that they have a Lobster Fest -- I think I know why this destination was chosen.) New York and Deelishis are thrilled, and Flav promises the viewers that next week will be the exciting conclusion of Flavor of Love 2. Oh, but wait!

"Tiffany, you're coming home with me!" Mama NY stalks into the mansion as the episode ends with a crescendo of angry brass instruments. As Flav would say, "Waaaaaaaoooooooooooooow."

Comments

[Cheesemeister]

Yes, if New York's mother is for real, she makes me in all my bipolar glory seem perfectly stable at my worst moment. I guess I should be grateful for her existence.
I'm stunned that Flav managed to produce such attractive children. Can you imagine having to have him as a father? I don't believe he's really had much of a hand in raising them. That must come from other influences.
In watching "Strange Love" I came to believe that he was a complete idiot. The mother of his first set of children seemed to have been very devoted to him, and his ex-girlfriend Beverly Johnson seemed like a nice, supportive lady. Neither of them were skanky. Is his search for a skank trophy wench part of a midlife crisis, or is he simply certifiable?
I keep wondering if Mama New York is going to sever his head from his neck with her razor-sharp fangs. That woman scares me too!

[TANISHA]

well all i gotta say is that bitch new york is gonna get her ass woped she know she can't fight i don't even know why she tryna act hard

[Monet]

New York needs to start finding a man better

[robert]

that face scarierdme
mom of new yor is a horn