How sad that my sole (to date) post in the "Books" category isn't even about the content of a book but its vile, sleazy, cringe-inducing cover. I've gotta say, though, the cover almost makes me want to read the book, to see if its prose is as lurid and tacky as the cover. When I saw this at the Barnes & Noble a few months ago, I actually did a double-take, unable to believe what I was seeing, right out there on the end of the aisle, where innocent children could see it.
Oh, it's bad. How bad?
This bad.
Let's start with the title: All U Can Eat. Not even bothering to spell out the second-person pronoun, the better to invoke the sultry atmosphere of... a diner. A diner with a buffet, no less! And I've got to give a round of grudging applause for the artless title that announces "Porn! Semi-pseudo-literary porn here!" You know from that title alone that you can expect to read the phrase "His tongue sought her out" at least once. (The plot? A diner owner is implicated in a murder and gets laid a lot.)
And then there's the art. The sign clearly says, "And by 'All U Can Eat,' we mean her! This one, right here! See?" The woman it's pointing to appears to be wearing some kind of spandex two-piece number of the sort that appeared in every rock/pop/metal/R&B video made in 1990. Facially, she's a cross between Fergie and Lisa Marie Presley, and she's looking at the viewer as if to say, "My crap is bigger and tougher than you." Hey, man, you don't fuck with a diner owner -- oh, wait, apparently you do, and frequently, if you're a character in this book.
Amid the prurient majesty that is the title and cover art, it might be easy to overlook the text on the cover. First, we are advised that the author has also perpetrated a book called Strange Attractions (I shudder to think how strange those attractions could be). Then, we are given the publishing equivalent of a Parental Advisory sticker: "Holly brings a level of sensuality to her storytelling that may shock the uninitiated." Translation: Porn!
Without any alteration, the cover is worthy of inclusion in Longmire's gallery of fake romance covers. Shit, I might actually have to read this one of these days.
Emma Holly is always as lurid as that cover suggests and I usually love her for it, but I must admit -- even I, one of the biggest lovers of trash novels ever born could not bring myself to buy the book.
Posted by: Shawna | October 02, 2006 at 07:49 PM
See, that's the catch. I might like to read it, if only for the shock factor. But how could I look the Borders salesclerk in the eye?
Posted by: Cath | October 03, 2006 at 08:44 AM
Well, with a name like "Emma Holly," what else could we expect her to write?
Posted by: Cheesemeister | October 06, 2006 at 03:25 AM