Yeah, yeah, I'll blog about America's Next Top Whiner later today (sorry it's taken me so long to get around to it), but first, I have to share my head-scratching incomprehension over this null set of a video from my favorite Mensa member, Jessica Simpson:
What the hell is going on with her mouth? Does she close it even once during the video? Is she even capable of closing it anymore, or have the plumping injections rendered her a literal mouth-breather as well as a figurative one?
And what exactly is she doing with all those facial expressions, both during the lip-syncing portion and the ... I hesitate to call it "dramatic" portion of the video? Does working your jaw around equal empowerment in the body language of the brain-damaged? Sweet Restylane, is she trying to convince us she can act?
Then there's the content/message of the video itself. Why does she seem so upset and teary when singing about how she belongs to herself? Why is she punching the air while the song itself never gets above a flatline? And why the hell is she dressing up like Courtney Love circa '95?
The most bizarre aspect of this whole atrocity is that Jessica Simpson does not belong to herself. Girl, you are owned, lock, stock and brow-lifted barrel, by your creepy-ass dad. He pimped you out as a virgin bride; he pimped you out as a "ditsy" (read: stupid) newlywed; he pimped you out as Daisy Duke in a bikini; and now he's trying to pimp you out as a woman wounded by the failure of her marriage. And you keep on letting him, even at the age of 26. No wonder you can't sell this shitty song; you know it's a lie.
By comparison, Nick Lachey is doing just fine, having won in both the court of public opinion and the court of record sales. Anybody who watched even one episode of Newlyweds got a pretty good idea who the weak link in that marriage was, so even if Lachey isn't exactly blameless for deliberately marrying an empty-headed untouched bimbo, he still came off as the party who actually gave a shit about the marriage. Plus, I'm getting a kick out of the song titles from his new album: "What's Left of Me" was followed by "I Can't Hate You Anymore." I can't wait to hear the next single, "I Want What's Mine (See You in Court)."
Why does she keep tugging at her top in that video? It looks like she's got a rash or something.
>>he still came off as the party who actually gave a shit about the marriage
????
Posted by: Tuffy | October 16, 2006 at 07:34 PM
Yeah, I think Nick cared more about the relationship than Jessica did. I watched the first few episodes of the first season of "Newlyweds" (or, as I came to call it, "My Stupid-Ass Wife") and it seemed to me that he was more emotionally invested in the marriage than she was. I tuned in again a year or so later, and she was treating him like a roommate she didn't like very much. I mean, I'd be pretty happy if they both went away and I could have back the time I spent looking in on their marriage, but I'd say he was the more involved, caring spouse. Just my take, though.
Posted by: Cath | October 16, 2006 at 09:41 PM
shit i'd cry if i realized i belonged to jessica simpson too.
did homegirl get punched in the mouth or something?
Posted by: KRistina | October 24, 2006 at 09:55 PM