K-Fed: America's teachable moment

Yeah, yeah, Brit finally kicked Shit to the curb after a two-year-plus downward spiral. We all knew that it was coming sooner or later, and that the coming divorce and custody fight were sure to get uglier than... well, see photo above.

But, in fact, we didn't all know it. Sure, those of us over age 25 who've dated someone like K-Fed -- or Fed-Ex, as he's now called -- could see all this coming. But we have the benefit of hindsight. What about the children? Won't someone think of the children? Well, for the first and probably last time, it seems that K-Fed has thought of the children, for he has provided the parents of America with a walking billboard entitled "Don't Date This Guy."

Yes, anyone with a daughter (or son!) age 12 or older now has a clear example to illustrate what can happen when very simple dating maxims are ignored.

"Don't date a guy who can't be bothered to shave regularly." Think what else he might not bother to do on a regular basis. No, wait, don't think specifically about what hygiene procedures K-Fed might leave undone. You might want to eat some time in the next 12 hours.

"Don't date a guy who's willing to walk out on a pregnant girlfriend." You wouldn't think this would even need saying, but clearly two folks with the last name Spears neglected to pass along this crucial tip to their oldest daughter, so let's play it safe.

"Don't date a guy who wears a trucker hat, manpris, socks with flip-flops or boxers clearly visible from 20 paces." And especially don't date a guy who wears them all at the same time. I cropped this picture somewhat, but you can see K-Fed is standing next to a rack of tube socks. He's obviously planning to ruin a new six-pack of socks (the only six-pack in this picture, clearly) by bifurcating the toe-box area with the thong of a flip-flop whose foam lost its springiness years ago. Don't let a dear family member become a party to that.

Don't date a guy who has no apparent source of income; you will become his source of income. Britney Spears was once worth about $35-40 million. Producing and promoting K-Fed's CD "Playing With Fire," including sending the talentless turd on a nationwide tour, has apparently halved her financial reserves. Even the most pointless trophy wife in the world hasn't come close to that kind of cash drain. (And for the record, I wouldn't want any offspring of mine dating a woman with no income source, either.)

Don't date a guy who, even when he's all cleaned up and relatively well-groomed, looks like he'd like to sell you a used car or would really appreciate your vote in the upcoming city manager election. This is K-Fed at his absolute best; this is as good as he is capable of looking, ever. And you still wouldn't trust him with a quarter and a nail, would you? Be sure to tell your kids that.

It may cause you some embarrassment, but you need to tell your chirrens that at first, this guy may seem kinda hot (especially after they've been drinking heavily -- you might want to warn them about that, too). He'll seem like the rebellious bad boy, the dangerous type that'll get them all worked up. And at first, the sex will be pretty good. After all, it's the closest thing he has to a marketable skill.

But before too long, your beloved offspring will get sucked into that guy's low-aiming world of loserhood. They'll let friendships wither because their friends can't stand the way the guy leers. They'll begin to doubt the value of achieving anything because that guy needs them to be less than he is, and that's a pathetically low bar to set in the first place. They'll quit grooming themselves and forget everything you taught them about putting a clever outfit together.

Then they'll start giving him whatever money they have -- including whatever money you give them -- and putting all kinds of crap on their credit cards for him, mortgaging their future before it's even begun. They'll start paying his child support, just like Britney did, because he finds it such a burden and resents giving his ex one penny of his non-hard-earned money -- oh, of course he'll already have at least one kid out there somewhere. He just won't ever see it/them.

And then, after your lovely child has bankrupted herself (or himself), burned all sorts of bridges, compromised their health with cigarettes/copious amounts of booze/weed/meth/whatever else this guy is on, but still stuck around, they'll still somehow become too much of a burden on this guy's freedom. And then they'll become the thing this bad boy is rebelling against, and he'll go from just using them to treating them like total crap. The picture at right is what K-Fed wrote on a shower door as a message to Britney. (It's not like he was using the shower for anything else.) "Fuck a wife; give me my kids Bitch!" Nice.

With any luck, your kid will finally ditch the loser like Britney finally did last week. But wouldn't it be so much easier to teach the kid to avoid that kind of trouble in the first place? You have a golden opportunity, parents of America. Don't waste it. After all, you don't want your grandkids having ferret DNA, do you?

Comments

[Mags]

AHH!! You just insulted the ferrets of the world! Even the rabid ones! K-Fed's kids would be lucky if they received ferret DNA in place of his. At least they'll have a personality and an undying love for all things raisins as opposed to themselves.

I loved reading it nonetheless! Keep preaching chica!

[Susanna]

It would seem that you and I are on the same page today, m'dear. I call him Toolio.

He makes my skin crawl. So disgusting.

Can you see her on a Barbara Walters special a year from now talking about how well-hung he was and that she was in lurrrrve?

Pity for those kids, no?

[Lorraine]

It is one thing to tell your child something. It is another to have visual aids. Thank you for the coherent presentation. It will be administered forthwith. And often.

[Cheesemeister]

I find myself speechless for once. Gee, what a class act!