When you make Paris Hilton look good...

... something is terribly, terribly wrong. Yet that is exactly what Britney Spears has spent the past ten days doing. Laboring under the apparent belief that if you cancel the marriage, any offspring magically disappear, Britney has been partying with Paris Hilton every night since November 19, resulting in a variety of horrifying photo ops.

(All photos snagged from Oh No They Didn't unless otherwise noted.)

I'm sure you're already trying to minimize the window so your co-workers don't see Britney's boobs hanging out for all the world to see. But, my dear friend, we've seen a lot more of Britney this week. A lot more. (Don't worry; I won't post the worst pictures. I won't even describe them too much.)

The bender to end all benders began November 19 (Sunday -- a school night, no less!), when Britney and Paris went out drinking in Vegas. Paris looked underwhelming in a tank top and jeans, but Britney looked like a satiny hot mess. Shiny shirt, no bra, a tie (a tie!) and shiny pants.

However, the pants were not long for this world. According to MSN.com, Britney got overheated dancing (and look at that fabric; that shit ain't breathing at all), so she simply shucked her pants and spent the rest of the evening in a stupid shirt-and-tie combo with fishnet tights. See?

(Photo snagged from The Superficial, and my thanks to them for the arrow and "no pants" legend.)

And this is where I began shaking my head over Britney's antics. I mean, hell, I've done a lot of dodgy things in clubs. I've danced like a fool, drunk like a fish, made out with strangers, purchased and consumed drugs, you name it. On New Year's Eve 1995, I took 13 Drixoral Cough Liquid Caps and forgot how to speak. But you know what? My pants were always on. Always. I lost a purse once in 2001, but I never, ever lost my pants. They're pants, for God's sake! How on earth can you lose them?! (I'm reminded of the divine Debra Wilson as Oprah on MadTV, bellowing "Pants, Steadman!")

For the next several nights, Britney and Paris partied every single night until the wee hours. I started to wonder exactly who was looking after Britney's two infants. Had she found a night care center like the ones Trick Daddy hoped to implement? More importantly: was this a wise move considering that K-Fed has filed for custody of the Federspawn (and their child support)?

And then all hell started breaking loose. On Wednesday (Thanksgiving Eve), Britney went out with Paris again and was photographed in this condition.

Look at that smile on Paris's face. "Don't I look great standing next to her? Don't I look all sober and well-groomed and clean?" And by comparison, yes, Paris did in fact look quite nice, and that's just plain wrong. It only got worse from there -- and Paris only looked better.

Paris Freaking Hilton looks like a debutante next to the hot mess formerly known as Britney Spears in this photo taken Friday, Nov. 24. Worst of all, though, this evening marked the first of the crotch shots. Yes, you read that correctly: pictures of Britney Spears' unclothed bathing suit area. (No, I'm not going to post any of them; just type "Britney Spears" and "crotch" into any search engine and they're bound to pop up. Just be prepared for a visit from HR soon afterward.)

Earlier this year, I halfheartedly clicked on a link promising nude photos of Pete Wentz. I was imagining tasteful coy shots, but was instead confronted by the sight of a thoroughly average wang and a semi-famous face. I now know what the wang of the bassist from Fall Out Boy looks like, and I shouldn't know that. I have no business knowing that, but I do. I also have no business knowing what personal grooming procedures Britney Spears pays people to perform on her genitalia, but now I do. And I can't un-know that, as much as I'd like to.

And it wasn't a one-time event. On at least three separate occasions in the past week, Britney's been photographed getting out of a car wearing a short skirt and no underwear. In this shot, taken Sunday 11/26, you can actually see Paris reaching over to keep Britney's legs closed (to no avail; crotch shots were later posted featuring this outfit).

When Paris Hilton is advising you to be more modest, you have become a cautionary tale. And the world as a whole might want to be cautioned, as we have now seen the three skanks of the Apocalypse photographed in the same place. Behold: the unholy trinity of Paris, Britney and Lindsay Lohan, gathered in the Parismobile that same Sunday night.

Can a rain of frogs be far behind? Later that night -- as in 5 in the morning on Monday -- Paris drove Britney home, but not before leading her on a platonic Walk of Shame before the paparazzi.

Not only is Britney wearing one of her new buddy's shirts, the shirt in question proclaims "I'm Paris Hilton; I can do whatever I want." I could be mis-reading this, but I do believe that Paris is proclaiming to the world that Britney is either her charity project -- or her bitch.

As mortifying as those shots are, nothing can top the spectacle that was Britney leaving Dan Tana's restaurant on Monday on her way to meet Paris. I hope she stopped by the house and changed first, though:

 

Words fail me on this one. The only thing that could possibly be missing from this look is --

Ah, there we go. Garish lipstick and the visible wad of gum. Thanks, Britney!

Honestly, I've seen episodes of Intervention where a meth addict looks better than this before they finally force him or her to clean up. And perhaps somebody did intervene, because by Tuesday night, Britney was looking a little better. Well, at least she looked like she might have showered some time in the last 24 hours. Of course, the cut of the dress was pretty unflattering, her boobs seem to be bra-less yet again, her extensions look ratty, her face is flushed and sweaty -- and one of her shoes is missing its bow. And once again, she flashed the world when getting out of her car.

I've been racking my brains, trying to figure out what Britney hopes to accomplish with this 10-day bender of booze, clubbing, Paris and LiLo, bad outfits and regular glimpses of her labia. Then it occurred to me: what if she wants to be declared an unfit mother so she can pay K-Fed (and by K-Fed, I mean Shar Jackson) to raise the babies instead of paying nannies? I don't think it's the soundest strategy in the world, in terms of finance, social standing or just plain morals, but if that's her goal, she's well on her way to achieving it. Of course, she's well on her way to achieving it even it if isn't her goal.

So keep at it, Britney! Soon you won't be plagued by those little critters you birthed -- what were their names again? -- and that might actually be the best thing for them.

Comments

[Sudiegirl]

Uh - wow.

I think I will just stick with my one nasty photo of her, thanks.

Also, wouldn't she be - ya know - lactating?

[huntergrayson]

I *totally* buy your "deliberately be declared unfit" theory.

I can't remember where, but some gossip site* claimed that she missed a big "let's discuss your career/musical comeback" meeting with Pharrell (of Neptunes fame/genius) because of the nonstop partying. What?!

So I guess now that she's not supporting deadbeat's ass, she is fine with never making another album again?

Maybe she's just really, really lazy and is trying to get "how to continue to be mega-famous while doing absolutely nothing" from Parisite.

You know, for as much as he's bitched about it, Pete Wentz is a *gigantic* famewhore and probably secret loves the attention from the wang pics.

*ick, I checked and it was Perez, but it had a credible source of the Miami Herald.

[Cheesemeister]

I heard about the infamous money shot, glad not to have seen it.
The truly scary thing is, Brit is still a cut above Shit on the scale of things.
Unholy trinity indeed. The Apocalypse really can't be far off now!

[SueBee]

I'd love to tell B.S. one single thing. Get those udders in a sling, child! That orange tank top hides no sins. Next time we see B.S. looking fab, there will be little doubt in our minds how long an entire team of engineers worked to reform/bolster/heft/gird this mess. Like a hot marshmallow that has fallen beside the campfire, there is no 5-second rule and this cannot be blown off.