Where's Debbie Harry when you need her?

Is it 1981 all over again? Did I miss a meeting where it was decided that white women in pop music should put out singles featuring some of the most lackluster rapping ever heard? I'd like to think it's mere coincidence that Gwen Stefani's loathsome "Wind It Up" is on the air during Fergie's mortifying "Fergalicious" era, but I worry that there's some deliberate strategy at play.

Mind you, I can't imagine what that strategy would be, since both songs only make me long for the tough coolness of one Deborah Harry, chanting that Fab Five Freddy had told her everybody was high and using the word "comatose" correctly in a gorgeous sigh that leapfrogged over an octave.

You might not have heard both the songs I'm griping about. If not, you might want to quit reading now while you're ahead. They're both quite bad, although I think Stefani's is considerably worse.

Here's the lesser of the two evils, performed on Tyra Banks' talk show:

It's pointless and cheesy; I saw way more of Fergie's bathing suit area than I ever wanted or needed to; and I felt embarrassed for will.i.am to have the Ed McMahon role on the sidelines there. But the good thing -- the only good thing -- about "Fergalicious" is that it essentially evaporates from your mind once you hear it. There's no real hook, no lick that sticks in your head for days. I've listened to this song three times now, and I still can't tell you how it goes. And I'm very grateful for that.

Now to the main offender, "Wind It Up" by Gwen Stefani, performed on the American Music Awards last night:

I tried to draw up an outline for the problems with this song, but I got stuck when I couldn't decide what came after that beginning yodel. Did I cite the sample from "The Lonely Goatherd" or the way Stefani yells "wind it up"?

The sample is, of course, ridiculous. It's as if Pharrell Williams was dared to shape a crappy song around the most bizarre piece of music he could find. On the other hand, Stefani's call of "wind it up!" puts me in mind of Pootie Tang's bon mot "wah da tah." And I can't help thinking that the only thing that might redeem this song would be for Pootie Tang to put his distinctive indistinct stamp on it.

I've griped about Stefani before: about her insistence on pimping her L.A.M.B. clothing line in her songs; about her klatch of four Asian women who seem to be a cross between back-up dancers, posse and pets; about her weird lyrics. "Wind It Up" has all those problems, but the lyrics seem to be the worst. This song is all about girls being wanted by the boys, but not actually doing anything with the boys. It's the opposite of empowerment, the gleeful reduction of girls to pretty objects to be wanted.

What makes it extra disturbing is that Stefani spent the mid-to-late 90s jump-kicking all over the stage, wearing tightie-whities as a bra top, rocking out with the guys, generally behaving as if she had a spine and a bit of fire in her. Now the woman who lamented being treated as "Just a Girl" is making songs that say, "Oh, no, be just a girl -- but be a hot girl." Great.

"Fergalicious" shares the same subject matter: being wanted by "boys." And here's where I just shake my head in wonder: these women are in my age bracket. Stefani's a little older, Fergie's a little younger (although I think each year spent on meth might count as three or four years on the clock). The three of us are in our mid-thirties, and I can vouch that this is a pretty interesting decade, that could produce a lot of great music. So it disappoints and even embarrasses me a little bit to see Fergie and Stefani desperately trying to regress to high school.

Yes, I know pop music is aimed at young people. But I don't believe it has to shoot for the actual mentality of an eighth-grader. Most young folks want more than anything else to be a little older, to be treated like grown-ups, and music that speaks to a level or two beyond theirs would probably appeal to them for that reason.

Besides, pop music is all about the hook and the bassline, and once you've got something memorable going on there, the lyrics could be about almost anything. Would you want to hear Fergie sing about her years on meth? I know I would. I could do without another song by Stefani about her thing with Tony Kanal, but I loved that "What You Waiting For" was about her anxiety over her career. What I'm saying is that these women have options, but they're choosing to go the lamest route possible.

And in their journey down that lame route, they're rapping, which just makes everything worse. So Debbie Harry, if you're reading this, what I (and perhaps a few other listeners) would love for Christmas is for you to release a single that shows these clueless heiffers how it's done -- or for you to stalk them and kick their asses. I know you could do both without even mussing your hair.

Comments

[Cheesemeister]

I had never heard either of these monstrosities before. I found "My Humps" an irritating enough song and Gwen Stefani does seem to be regressing into high school, more concerned with being cute than being powerful. Sad!

[Tonio Kruger]

Yeah, I miss Debbie Harry too.

And apparently Gwen Stefani wants to be the new Madonna. Or the new Britney. Whatever...

[David]

I so agree with you. Read the Entertainment Weekly cover story with Gwen. She should perhaps sample what she's going to say in interviews to her publicist to prevent her from coming across as a total moron. She used to be decent. BTW, Debbie does have a new single out with Moby. New York, New York. It's on his new greatest hits package, but alas at 65, she's not going to get any airplay.

[Cath]

Oh, I love that tune! "Lines of snow and popping corks/Love and drugs in old New York"

The video's on YouTube, but I find that the ironic bad dancing kinda detracts from the wistfulness of the song. I would've much rather seen Harry (with or without Moby) revisiting some of her old haunts. IMDB and Wikipedia both show her age as 61, but she still sounds great and looks fantastic.

VH1/Fuse/MuchMusic: We are Debbie Harry fans and WE VOTE. And buy stuff. And... oh, hell, just give the woman some airplay!

[Felicia]

I just watched the "Wind It Up" video.
Wha....?????

[Glenn@StalePopcorn]

AMEN!

I must say that in Australia a few months ago a DJ released a mashup song of The Doors' "Riders on the Storm" and Blondie's "Rapture" (called "Riders on the Rapture") and it was good to hear white female rapping on the charts that wasn't about how lovely one's lumps are.

[huntergrayson]

I was *so* going to mention the Debbie Harry/Moby song, but was beaten to the punch....

But no hook for Fergalicious? Blasphemy! JJ Fad and "Supersonic" have something to say about that.

I think she actually has a song on the album about her meth use, but I'll be arsed if I can remember the name (and I *have* the album!). Google says....it's called VooDoo Doll.

There's actually a pretty decent ballad on Fergie's album as well called "Velvet." It's very Dido-esque.

The real question is why the crap singles get airplay and support when there's actual decent stuff that both have that could be released. Is it the music/album executives? (who refused to release Christina's awesome "Candyman" as the second single from that album) Is it the radio market and the evil that is ClearChannel? Is it the post-videos on MTV MTV generation?

[matt]

Debbie Harry is amazing, though she isnt 65 she is 61!!! and still looking and sounding fab!

[sue j.]

Yes i do agree! Debbie Harry was and indeed still is a fabulous singer.. i know lets start a thread!! that we want Debbie back.. and fast.. we need some of that Blondie magic.. in the charts.. " come back Debbie"

[Stephanie Musto]

Not only was Blondie an inspiration to female musicians everywhere, but Deborah Harry has continued to release inspiring, clever music throughout the years, both with Blondie and on her own. It's a shame that she's virtually ignored by the media in the US, her home country.

According to www.deborahharry.com she's currently recording a new solo album, presumably to be released sometime next year. I have no doubts she will show the young 'uns how to do it. That is, if they ever get to hear it.