Deck the -- no, I can't

You know, some concepts should never be combined. Sometimes, two great tastes simply don't taste great together. "You got your prurient material in my holiday decorations!" "Aw, your holiday crapped all over my prurient materials!"

Much as it pains me to do so, I give you... pornaments.

One of the most beautiful, profound spiritual philosophies, to my mind, is that of Baruch Spinoza, who posited that God is in everything, and that all that exists is God. I believe I've found the exception to that belief. There is no God in pornaments.

Would it surprise you to hear that you can get these at Spencer Gifts? It really shouldn't.

At least the snowfolk seem to be having a good time. The poor rein...doe? seems to be just barely withstanding the attentions of... Donner? Prancer? One of 'em.

And these just kill me. If you look closely, you can see what looks like -- sweet Annie Sprinkle -- a little gumdrop clitoris. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Lately, pornaments have been in the news around the country and have even received international attention (Europe is laughing at us again...). The fact that pornaments are being picketed by hardcore Baptists who screech "What about the children?!" puts me in the odd position of wanting to defend them out of sheer reflex. But ultimately, no. The enemy of my enemy isn't necessarily my friend, especially when I suspect that I'm watching snow-sodomy.

Comments

[Susanna]

Yeah, I'm with you. I want to defend them if the American Family Whatever Haterade is after them, but I can't. Pornaments are a thousand kinds of wrong.

Does ANYTHING good come out of Spencer Gifts anymore? Did anything ever? I seem to remember loving that place at one dark, dark time in my life. Like 25 years ago.

Am I going to Hell for rearranging two of those wire wesh Christmas light outdoor reindeer in compromising positions on the lawn of my friend's house three years ago? There were children at the party. They helped. It's unclear whose idea it was. By children I may be referring to myself and other friends my age.

Discuss.

[mallory]

i've been reading your blog FOREVER and i have never felt the need to comment. but today i saw the need. i laughed- no GUFFAWED- at this post. i swear i almost pissed myself. i mean really:"a little gumdrop clitoris"?!?!?! HILARIOUS!