I stank like a skank

In which I smell like a celebrity so you don't have to.

Did you know Britney Spears now has three fragrances out? And, inexplicably, none of them smell like weed and Cheetos? (And they apparently are doing incredibly good business in spite of the absolute train wreck Britney has become?)

In the name of science, I decided to see whether these three scents lived up to their advertising and promotional descriptions and just what the hell Britney thinks we should smell like if not Cheetos and weed.

I obtained samples of Curious, Fantasy and In Control by going to the Macy's counter, nicking Clinique perfume cards and spraying them with Britney smells, then tucking the cards into my bag and getting out of there before someone could attempt to sell me something.

I stopped by a Starbucks on the way out of the mall; while I waited for my peppermint mocha, I was overwhelmed by a smell like someone had rolled in corn syrup and rubbing alcohol then run over a flower bed with a lawn mower. I soon realized, to my horror, that that smell was me. I drove back to work with the windows down.

Curious (2004)

The ad:

Hotel room. Stranger. Hallucinations. Doll sex. Showers. Britney. Curious. I love the name of this perfume, because it brings to mind the classic image of Brit with her head cocked saying, "Whaaaait?"

The hype: "Tempts the senses with fragrant blooms of Louisiana magnolia touched with golden Anjou pear and dewy lotus flower. The anticipation builds with a fresh bouquet of white flowers. Pink cyclamen brings an unexpected twist to the rich floral heart, while bottom notes of vanilla-infused musk enveloped in rich, creamy sandalwood and radiant blonde woods weave an addictive aura into the fragrance."

Yyyyyyyeah. I can smell the magnolia and the vanilla and maybe a hint of sandalwood, but the main thing this reminds me of is the little bottle of Jontue I got when I was 11 and sprayed all over myself. I smelled like a cheap French whore in 7th grade, and I can't help but think that perhaps this fragrance is deliberately designed to evoke that idea.

Fantasy (2005)

The ad:

"A goddess world tour"? You know, if you're going to spin a fairy tale, don't insert footage from a tour you dropped out of due to "knee troubles" -- and especially don't admit that you dropped out to bang K-Fed in the process. For that matter, the guys in fairy tales? Tend not to have five-o-clock shadow.

The hype: "Fantasy Britney Spears is a captivating blend of ripe fruits, sweet cupcake accord, delicate flowers, creamy musk, orris root, and sensual woods."

"Cupcake accord"? Is that like a peace agreement in the pastry case? Seriously, what the hell does that mean?? Long story short: Fantasy smells like a damn bakery. It's not unpleasant, but a little of it goes a long way, and I feel like I should visit a dentist after inhaling so much of it.

Curious In Control (2006)

The ad:

I'm not aware of any video ads for this newest addition, and I think it's probably just as well, as there's precious little video footage of Britney looking terribly "in control" right now. I love the name "Curious In Control," though; it gives me a mental picture of Britney, head still cocked, trying to pilot a moving bus. Hijinks ensue.

The hype: "Curious In Control is classified as a sensual, exotic, sweet, feminine, sexy fragrance. Fragrance notes: loquat fruit, midnight orchid, creme brulee, black vanilla bean, tonka crystals, sugared sandalwood, musk. Curious In Control is recommended for romantic wear."

"Recommended for romantic wear"? Do not operate machinery or attempt to balance your checkbook while wearing this fragrance. Honestly, of the three of them, this is the most tolerable. It's not agressively sweet like the other two, although I can definitely pick up elements of vanilla, sandalwood and fruit in there. My hunch is that Curious In Control (that name never stops making me smile) is the perfume that Britney had the least input on, what with baby #2 and the divorce and the cooter flashing. Ironically, those activities will probably doom this scent to lower sales than its less subtle siblings.

So there you have it: Skanky, Saccharine and Surprisingly Subtle, in that order. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to figure out how to dispose of these perfume cards and spend half an hour with my head in a bag of coffee to get my sense of smell back.

Comments

[Mags]

I'm not sure who designed the bottle for Fantasy, but they stole the look from Chanel. Way to go, you creative geenious you!

[sudiegirl]

Uh - what are tonka crystals? Are those little crystals shaped like yellow dumptrucks?

[SwanFlake]

If I spray 'Fantasy' all over my dishes do you think I can trick myself into thinking I'm eating bakery items when I'm really eating oatmeal? That sounds like a good fantasy to me.

Love,

SwanFlake