This episode of I Love New York celebrated the extremes of gender stereotypes, from a frilly pink princess party to a boxing ring spattered with blood. So I guess it's no surprise that everyone came out looking ridiculous and at least slightly dehumanized. Oh, wait. That happens just about every episode, doesn't it?
Yeah, that seems about right.
The episode opens with Whiteboy proclaiming his joy at the gradual winnowing down of the dudes, saying that there's less noise in the house.
I dunno. I'm getting a lot of volume off that bedspread.
The dudes meet downstairs, where Chamo delivers a note from New York. Chamo isn't given much to do on this show, so I've taken to creating alternative storylines for him. My current favorite is that on his off-hours, he brokers international arms sales but donates his commission to peace organizations out of guilt. He wants to get out of the business, but he knows too much for anyone to let him retire ... and live. Anyway. Chamo gives the dudes a note telling them that they'll be hosting a party for New York's girlfriends and advises them to get ready.
Which they all do, in their fashion.
Hey, when did Real get his braids redone? And... what's he doing there? Never mind.
Oh, Mr. Boston. Did you not see Flavor of Love Season 1? The "friends" line is a total setup!
See? (This, by the way, is also a screengrab from one of my nightmares.)
The little girls barrel into the mansion and crash into the couch like the Marines on Omaha Beach. Tango is quick to grab one and hug her, but the rest of the dudes seem overwhelmed.
However, as daunting as the prospect of a party with the girls is, the guys are motivated to make a success of it. They're not motivated by the prize for the "best dad" (a date with NY) so much as they are the punishment for the other five dudes: preparing dinner for New York's mom.
I don't often agree with 12-Pack, but I believe I'd make this very face if confronting the prospect.
So the guys gird their loins and hit the party, despite their residual shock over the guests.
I can't help but giggle over the tour-guide tone of "All Oompas together, all Oompas together."
New York's criteria for "winning" the challenge are vague and pretty flawed. She wants to find father material, but she's using the girls' responses to the guys to gauge that. What makes a good parent, to me, is the ability to make a kid feel safe, secure and loved while setting and enforcing boundaries. No kid hopped up on sugar and Disney is going to give that sort of thing a glowing review. So it's a jacked-up challenge from the get-go. (Par for the course, in other words.)
Still, the dudes dive right in. The call goes up: "Who wants to put makeup on Uncle 12-Pack?" and the little ankle-biters go nuts.
Aw, he's the Little Lunkheaded Clown That Cried! Apparently, the girls' interest in treating 12-Pack's face like a coloring book is so strong that Tango has to time them. Each critter gets only 10 seconds to decorate 12-Pack, and even with those time limits, the result is this:
[Insert "face like a baboon's ass" joke here. I have several ready if you need a spare.]
Mr. Boston takes the route of pure appeasement, offering to put on a dress and let the girls put cake on him. (Why 12-Pack shoves Mr. Boston's face into the cake, I'm not sure.) But he makes sure to campaign for the vote afterwards, so we're treated to the sight of a dude with a little girl's dress draped over his t-shirt and a face covered in frosting pestering children with, "...so if she asks you who's the best, just remember the name Boston, okay?" If he can ever live this show down, Mr. Boston has a positively Mayor-Quimby-like future in politics.
Tango goes the makeup route as well, while Chance gets chased and harrassed by a tall girl in a red dress (who, I fear, has a crush on him). Meanwhile, Whiteboy hangs off to the side...
...and Real lays low.
That is the very posture and expression I'd assume in such a situation. I'd just try to shrink back and hope no kid spotted me.
Finally, New York returns and calls the girls upstairs for a caucus. They give Tango and Mr. Boston high marks, but give all the other dudes the thumbs-down. The red-dress girl gives New York a couple of cheesy lines ("You need to get a real man, honey!") that seem like something a stage parent would coach her to say. Between this and the Chance crush, I don't have a lot of hope for red-dress girl's future.
My favorite moment is the girls' take on 12-Pack. When New York asks why they don't like him, one girl spells it out:
And she's kinda right. When he's clothed and you have to focus on his face, all you can see of 12-Pack is a beady little pair of eyes, a spiky set of Sun-In highlights and a Henry Rollins neck.
New York gathers the dudes outside and announces that the winner of the date is...
Mr. Boston! After an intensive shower, he prepares for his date and announces that New York is the first African-American woman he's ever dated. Oh, boy. First off, why would you feel the need to tell us that? Second, if you're looking at it in those terms, you're probably not ready for interracial dating. I've cut Mr. Boston a lot of slack for saying profoundly ignorant, wrongheaded stuff about racial issues, but I'm starting to think I've been way too generous.
At least he and New York look nice together. It occurs to me that none of the dudes has dressed up for her yet, or put anywhere near the work into his appearance that she puts into hers. So I guess I'm glad to see someone -- even this fool -- go to a little effort for her. And Mr. Boston does have dating small-talk down to an art. He's very complimentary and keeps the conversation focused on New York. (An especially wise strategy considering the stupid stuff that he tends to say.)
Back at the mansion, the five remaining dudes have to make dinner for Mama NY. She arrives with an appetite, and an assignment for each dude: Tango is to make the lobster tails, Whiteboy the soup, 12-Pack the rice, Real the salad and Chance the cake. She gives them recipe cards, and the ingredients are all waiting on the counter. Should be easy, right?
Eh... apparently not. This is her response to the lobster tails.
That's her take on the rice. When Whiteboy asks about the soup, she responds, "I'm going to need a lot of napkins." But not everything is a disaster!
"The sexiest man at the table." Good for you, Real. However, Mama NY's gustatory pleasure is soon cut short by Chance's cake.
Yeah, I guess it's pretty--
Wow. That bad, huh? Of course, it's not like Mama NY is any fan of Chance's to begin with, and his lack of success with the kids is more grist for her mill. She tells Chance that he has no business being a father. However, in a moment that is surely a surprise to everyone involved with the show, and in no way something the producers have known about this whole time, Chance reveals that he's got a child of his own, a young son.
Cat's out of the bag, ain't it, Real -- Uncle Real. (I bet Real is probably a fantastic uncle.)
Chance, in typical fashion, goes off on some tantrum about how he shouldn't be here in the first place, that he should be with his son, and storms upstairs, saying he's going to pack his bags. It's so very tedious. After Chance snits off, a rather sanctimonious Tango announces that if he had a kid, he wouldn't be on the show. Mama New York agrees.
Meanwhile, New York and Mr. Boston are having a lovely date, and have reached that point in the evening...
Aw, yeah, it's BreathStrip time! They each pop a tab of Listerine and get down to business.
When they arrive back at the mansion, they plan to hit the hot tub, but then--
Chance-based drama foils Mr. Boston's plans. Chance is saying something about leaving; New York says something about him not being truly into her if he's thinking about leaving; there's a lot of yelling and pouting on both sides and he agrees to stay. Like he was actually going to leave in the first place. I'm starting to think Chance and New York really deserve each other.
While the cockblocked Mr. Boston fumes on the sidelines, Whiteboy uses this opportunity to stir the shit.
You know, I don't want to hear one more fool pontificate that women are more sneaky, underhanded or passive-aggressive than men. This show has been a marathon of backstabbing, snitching and manipulation -- more so than anything Flavor of Love had to offer. The women on both seasons look like Spartan warriors in their direct aggression compared to these undercover bitches.
Speaking of which... Tango and Chance soon have one of the most incomprehensible arguments I've ever witnessed. I'm not sure what topics are even being debated here. I just know that I dislike everyone involved.
Oh, Tango. You're like Machiavelli with a lobotomy.
The next morning, the dudes receive word that they're going to get some aggression out in the boxing ring. I think the producers waited until the tension in the house was at its highest to spring this activity on the dudes. Everyone in the house treats it as a fait accompli that Mr. Boston will get his ass handed to him. Even Mr. Boston, who is reduced to asking this guy...
...for pointers on toughness. The dudes head down to the boxing gym, where they're paired up by weight class: Real vs. Whiteboy, 12-Pack vs. Tango and Chance vs. Mr. Boston.
We get the less aggressive bouts out of the way first, when Real and Whiteboy face off--
What the hell is that fighting stance?? Are they armpit-dueling? Dudes: "the house" is the center of your head. Keep your non-punching fist(s) in that area and you'll be fine. I have no idea why you're both trying to protect the airspace above your headgear.
It's a fairly short fight, as Whiteboy knocks Real onto his butt...
...where he skips once like a stone going across a pond. When Real gets up, things look blurry to him, so the match is declared over.
Next up are the heavyweights, 12-Pack and Tango. Tango reminds everyone of his shoulder injury (whatever) before the match, but that doesn't stop 12-Pack from delivering a rather nice uppercut to Tango's jaw, knocking out his mouthpiece.
(Regrettably, this does not stop Tango from talking.)
Throughout the fights, New York seems thrilled over the prospect of dudes battling it out for her. I have a little nickname for women who are turned on by male violence: "the eventual target." Odds are that the flying fists these women find so enthralling will one day come flying at them. It's like women who love bad boys. "Oh, he hates everyone but me, so that makes me special." No, it just means he hasn't gotten around to hating you yet. But he probably will.
Speaking of hate, we're at the main event: Chance vs. Mr. Boston. Looking at their stances, you can tell how this one will go.
Yep.
Uh-huh.
All righty, then. While Mr. Boston gets some medical attention for his bloody nose (interestingly, it's the first real injury all season, but no ambulance is apparently called), Chance gloats.
He doesn't stop once everyone gets home, either.
I don't have words for how shitty that is. It's not enough to give a guy a bloody nose, you have to rub it in, too? "Have you learned your lesson?" Up yours, Bobby Beige. You beat up a nerdy, out-of-shape guy who hasn't boxed before; what a stunning achievement. Mr. Boston is clearly telling Chance whatever he thinks will get him to go away, but Chance keeps picking on him, with Whiteboy at his side (the true mark of a cowardly bully). Then Whiteboy does the classic asshole move of "adjusting" Mr. Boston's icepack while pushing it into the injured nose. I'm trying to come up with a term or phrase that combines cruel, petty, trife, thuggish, no-count, low-down, despicable -- am I leaving anything out? I hate these two. I'm no fan of Mr. Boston, but he didn't deserve this at all.
You know what's almost as bad? I could totally see New York pulling that shit on a female competitor on Flavor of Love. The fact that she wouldn't have anybody at her side to back her up is only a slight count in her favor. Yeah, I think she and Chance are well-matched.
On to elimination. New York gives chains to 12-Pack, Whiteboy, Real and --
Tango, I'm in a conference call with Bell, Biv, DeVoe, the producers of New Jack City and the year 1990, and they all want me to tell you that you look ridiculous.
Before New York can decide on Chance or Mr. Boston, we have time for one last dig... for each of them, as it turns out.
Okay, I pretty much hate Chance, but he's right. As "regularreader6" pointed out in the comments here last week, Mr. Boston is a regular nose miner. Here are some shots from this episode alone:
Don't do it, dude.
Dude, get outta there!
DUDE!
Anyway, it's farewell to Mr. Boston and his scavenging fingers, as New York hands a chain to Chance. Before Mr. Boston goes, though, New York lets the other dudes know that he's the best kisser there.
For about 30 seconds. Mr. Boston's apparent kissing prowess makes me wonder why she's letting him go. But after that bullshit Chance pulled after the boxing match, I suspect she might have offed Mr. Boston for his own safety.
So it's down to the Final Five:
A whiny manipulator.
A shit-stirring instigator.
The IQ of a mashed potater.
And these two, the Gallant and Goofus who inexplicably came from the same genetic material. I'm going to start making my "Free Real" t-shirt, but I get the feeling the man himself isn't truly committed to the process anymore.
Next week, the chickens come home to roost as the dudes' exes visit the mansion.
Drama, not surprisingly, ensues.
Great blog, you made me laugh! Isn't it so predictable that NY weeded out every person with a bit of hope, and now she's down to five incredible losers.
Posted by: stopitalready | February 27, 2007 at 12:52 AM
The write-ups are always better than the show itself! I don't have the energy to do it anymore.
Let us pretend for a moment that it isn't all a put-up job.
Mr. Boston was a complete nerd and stuffed his foot in his mouth more often than not. But I admired the little bastard's guts.
Chance is a butthead but makes for great "reality" TV.
I still say 12-Pack is probably gay.
I would have to put a sack over Whiteboy's smug face to ever be able to consider it.
Tango is annoying.
What deplorable fun!
Posted by: Cheesemeister | March 07, 2007 at 06:45 AM
This was hilarious! I'm going back now to watch the old episodes
Posted by: NikkiBlue | March 08, 2007 at 02:33 PM
OMG i used to watch ILNY, and i had the best our of my life, it was hilarious! i agree with the little girls HE IS UGLY
lol, and how forget ALL OOMPPAS TOGETHER!!!
lmfao
Posted by: miami web design | March 12, 2011 at 06:25 PM
Oh!! my god you make that my imagination flies a lot.Love your post because I feel i am next to you, enjoying the sea .
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