Dammit, dammit, dammit! I go out of town for a few days and Britney goes flat-out insane on me! I was enjoying a reunion with some friends Saturday afternoon when someone said, "Hey, did you hear? Britney Spears shaved her head!" And I said, "No way! She may be out of her mind, but she's not that insane!" (Another friend piped up, "Doesn't she have kids or something?")
But according to reports of the Great Shave of Aught-Seven, Britney did, in fact, behave like she'd lost her damn mind when she rid herself of a foot or so of chemically abused hair. She demanded a chair at a salon that wasn't open yet, announced her whereabouts to the paparazzi and waited for them to show, insisted on getting The Curly 'do, then grabbed the clippers and shaved herself while she cried a little. When a photographer asked her why she was shearing off her hair, she said, "Because of you."
What the hell, man?! And that's not even counting the rehab shenanigans!
Based on what I've pieced together from a deluge of news reports and blog postings, in the past 5 days, Britney's been in and out of two (2!) rehab facilities, lasting less than a day in each. Hell, for all I know, she could be in rehab right this minute. Or she could be trying to get a tattoo after checking herself out. (She succeeded the first time, but not the second.)
I'm kinda fascinated that we, the public, aren't even sure what she's in rehab for. I think she's hooked on alcohol, Red Bull and probably meth as well. But I think that the worst addiction she has, by far, is her need for attention and validation from others. And while a good rehab center can get someone started on the road to self-worth and self-actualization, it takes a long-ass time. It also takes a willingness to be there, which Britney clearly doesn't have.
I'm no fan of Brit's, but I am a little worried that this revolving-door rehab business isn't going to end well at all. Maybe it's the specter cast by Anna Nicole Smith, but I'm just not getting a good vibe from the Britney situation. So let's focus on shallow things instead, shall we? I know that always makes me happy!
Regardless of the reasons or motivation behind the head-shaving, the consequence itself is kind of a mixed bag. On the one hand, her hair was looking awful. It had been colored and be-weave-ed way too many times, and Britney's hairline was starting to approach tonsure status. So it wasn't a bad idea to get rid of it and do a hard reboot on the ol' scalp. On the other hand, bald is a damn hard look to pull off. Natalie Portman can do it because it she's one of the most ungodly gorgeous people on the planet (and besides, it was for a role). Sinead O'Connor can do it because she's also beautiful and a genuine risk-taking in-your-face artist with the talent to back up the face-getting-in. Also, Portman and O'Connor have the kind of strength and confidence that helps the bald head look bad-ass.
Sad to say, but I don't think Britney has any of that strength or confidence. She's not a talented, risk-taking artist, nor does she approach the spectacular beauty of Portman or O'Connor. She can be very pretty when she cleans herself up, but in a girl-next-door way, not a stop-traffic way like the women listed above. So instead of highlighting strong features, the bald head on Britney makes her look lumpen and somehow sheepish. Plus, the hoodie really doesn't help.
I can't be the only one who thought:
Can I? (Although at least Fester looks happy.)
But Britney couldn't commit to the bald head for more than 48 hours. By Sunday, she was out and about wearing this high-quality, natural-looking wig:
I think the wig might be even more of a cry for help than the shaving. That is some Jan-Brady-as-Carol-Channing shit there. Britney, have your people give Tyra or Beyonce a call; those ladies know from good wigs!
Of course, one thing that might have kept Britney from rocking the bald head was the possible reactions of her kids. Like pets and vacationing bloggers, kids don't like drastic change, and they especially don't like for their mom to show up missing her hair all of a sudden. (Of course, that's assuming they identify Britney as "mom" and not "occasional visitor who smells like burnt cheese.")
This is all just so bizarre. The baldness, the rehabs (plural!), the tattoo and attempted subsequent tattoo, the wiggage. I can't promise you guys anything other than this: I'll try to keep up. Wish me luck!
NEVER GO AWAY AGAIN. Look what happens .
Oh--would that we could pray for J.Timberlake to save the day in his "Bring It On Down To Omletteville" costume. Seriously. Child needs some validation from an old friend, and I think J.T. needs to take one for the team. AND he has a sense of humor which couldn't hurt at this juncture, 'cause if it ain't funny this is freaking excruciating. If Tyra & Beyonce are uncooperative with wig-sistance, Cher & Dolly have whole wigrobes to choose from. I swear she got that mess from Spencer's in the mall.
Posted by: SueBee | February 22, 2007 at 11:43 AM
It is a sad world when K-Fed is the stable parent!
Posted by: Cheesemeister | March 07, 2007 at 06:55 AM