Single-celled decorating

As I've noted before, my faith in my own ability to divine the substance of a person's soul based solely on tiny video snippets shown on reality TV has been sorely tested. But I feel like I'm getting my groove back on that one. To wit, this week's episode of Top Design managed to reinforce my opinion of just about everybody. And given my theory that reality TV exists to make us, the viewers, feel better about ourselves, the show has accomplished its mission admirably.

Incredibly, this was not the least appealing look from Ryan this week.

No, that honor belonged to the shot of Ryan indicating his lack of concern with the competition or his detractors by blowing a raspberry and flashing the double finger. Has a sober person over the age of 22 ever done that unironically? More and more, I'm starting to think that Ryan was somehow suspended in a cryogenic helmet contraption, so his body aged to 35 but his brain remained resolutely stuck in the eternal bad-assitude of an 18-year-old art school freshman. Hey, at least it explains the skateboard.

The eight remaining designers are challenged to design a dorm room, a 12-by-12-foot living/dining/sleeping/working space for a tough clientele: design students (although, based on their meetings and later responses to the room, they don't seem all that demanding). A bizarre bit of product placement accompanies this announcement, as we hear Todd Oldham's disembodied voice inform us that the students are from top L.A. design schools, "including [some place or other]." Whether or not the school in question intended to sound desperate, they did.

The contestants spend the first day shopping for paint and fabric, and Ryan informs us that he's never been fabric shopping before. Really? Never? Like, not even for art school projects -- oh, but maybe his brain thinks it hasn't gotten to the sophmore-year mixed-media class. (By the way, if you're enjoying the show, you might want to check out the blogs over on the Bravo site. Todd Oldham's blog is as sweet and helpful as the man himself, while the production assistant blog is freaking hilarious. He doesn't like Ryan either.)

We also learn that while this challenge will have randomly-assigned carpenters, the winner will get to choose his or her own carpenter. Will there be carpentry drama? Does such a thing even exist? Yes, apparently, it does exist, and yes, we will have some, whether we like it or not. Carisa plans an elaborate rolling desk for her room and her carpenter assures her that a particular build of it will work. (Of course, the episode promos clearly show us that the desk plan will end in clattering infamy.)

The next day, the designers are awakened obscenely early by Todd Oldham, laughing gently as he says, "Were you having sweet dreams?" I love that man. Carisa tells the camera, "I never thought I'd be woken up by Todd Oldham." Nor has any other woman, dear. The contestants are told that they must shop for their furnishings and decorations at local garage sales.

Andrea says that she's never been to a garage sale before. Really? I literally cannot imagine a childhood that didn't involve a parent pulling over at some point to check out a yard full of used stuff for sale. Either her family had money out the ying-yang and could buy everything new, or they didn't have a car with much carrying capacity. Regardless, she tackles the scavenging with enthusiasm, and does pretty well.

The designers return to their cubicles and start outfitting them. Carisa's desk collapses, as does her relationship with her carpenter. (I do question Carisa's wisdom, though, in asking Michael what he thinks of her desk. Girl, he's competing with you; take any advice of his with a grain of salt.) Ryan paints a table with a pretty cool bulls-eye design. Felicia hangs an abomination of a wallpaper in little sheets across the back of her room. Michael purses his lips a lot.

On to the judging. The guest judge this week is -- whattamahumma! Ahem. Sorry there. But what on earth has Kelly Wearstler done to her hair?! Ma'am, if you're going to be regarded as an authority on aesthetics, you simply cannot walk around looking like that. There's gotta be something in her contract with Bravo that would preclude light-socket hair. If not, there should be. Anyway, the guest judge is Joe Stewart, a guy who's won dozens of Emmys for set design and designed Top Design "white room," where judging takes place. Frankly, I'm totally underwhelmed by the white room. It looks cold, forbidding and uncomfortable... and more than a little bit cheesy. Sorry, Mr. Stewart.

I'm just gonna go alphabetically with the rooms this week. Andrea's is pretty clever. I like the industrial feel and the use of a suitcase mounted on the wall as storage with a twist. But there seems to be a preponderance of furniture in the room, or maybe just different leg-lines on a reasonable amount of furniture. Either way, it looks a little busy, and the color scheme is very institutional. Some cheerier fabrics could have gone a long way.

Carisa's seems loud to me. I know her client likes bright colors, but have you ever tried to sleep in a room full of fluorescent paint? I'm not seeing much in the way of sophistication in the color palette, and that "25 mph" sign just looks ridiculous and juvenile. I could see this as the room of a high-school student, but not a young adult.

I'm really impressed with Erik's room. He captured the feel of "boats and boating" that his client liked, and added a lot of industrial touches as well, but the rug, bench and pillows help the room feel soft. The only thing I'd change is the "ART" canvases. I'm not sure whether I'd advise putting blank canvases in their place or maybe using garage-sale art (a notorious gamble), but they really stand out as the only misstep in an otherwise great room.

I don't know what the hell Felicia is doing here. I can't see any kind of a cohesive color scheme; that wallpaper is awful; the afghan calls to mind catheters and dinner by 4 p.m.; and near as I can tell, there's no desk. It's a dorm room for a design student and there's no desk! (There's no storage, either, now that I look at it.) So we have a room that is neither functional nor attractive. I have no idea what she was thinking. Felicia's client says that if she had to live here, she'd shoot herself. That sounds a little extreme, but not entirely implausible given the lack of a damn desk.

Once again, Goil has created an architectural standout. You can't see it from here, but he's also cut the two antique chairs so they slide around on the raised platform. It's so damn cool, I'm willing to forgive him the apparent impossibility of getting out of that bed unharmed. But what I'm finding harder to overlook is the total lack of a color scheme. That seems to be a theme in Goil's rooms, and I hope he remedies it soon, because I really like what he's done with shape and space so far.

I also really like Matt's room. He got a lot of accolades for making the room look expensive, and I think they're well-deserved. The only things I would change would be to make the whole double-lamp thing wall-mounted to maximize the space available on the table, and maybe put a large piece of art on one of the side walls.

Jonathan Adler pointed out that Michael seems to be learning and progressing, and I can see that, in that this room is definitely better than the depressing child's room that he did two weeks ago. I think the structure around the bed is great, and I love the shelves, but I do agree with the judges that the color scheme is off. They described his colors as "grape and banana," and while I'm not sure that's quite right, there's not enough contrast between the tones. Both the purple and yellow are sort of bright, which makes the room clash a bit. I'd have gone for a dark purple and a pale gold, myself. And no, I don't have the first clue what the deal is with the Partridge Family on the left wall, there.

And then there's Ryan's room. In his blog, Adler alludes to this room as looking like "a shrill DeeeLite video," and I actually laughed out loud reading that, because it's so absolutely perfect. Thing is, there's some really good stuff in this room. The things on the left wall are actually folding seats, and the table underneath them opens up into a working drafting table. I love the storage area against the right wall, and the big table is pretty cool, too. But there's just so much busy-ness and overkill here. As wack as her hair is, Wearstler was absolutely right when she suggested a simple drape screen instead of the tangle of boards at the foot of the bed. The pattern on the bedspread is competing with the pattern on the bed's platform (and how tall is that bed, anyway?!).

Not surprisingly, Ryan's room is in the bottom two, along with Felicia's null set of a room. While being questioned on his choices, Ryan cannot resist busting out his scorn for interior design, sneering at fabric swatches and paint chips and the notion of making a room pretty. All four judges and I wonder, to differing degrees of vocalization, "Why the hell are you on a design show then, Picasso?" And yet, Ryan has just enough talent to stay on the maligned design show, while Felicia is sent home. (Yes, I am going to use that raised-eyebrow shot every chance I get. Get used to seeing that face, y'all.)

Surprisingly, Carisa's room wins. No, really, it does. It wins over Matt's sumptuous appointments, it wins over Erik's attention to detail, it wins over Goil's cleverness. It wins despite Carisa's client bemoaning the room's lack of storage. It wins despite having a highway sign as art. The judges cite Carisa's mad shopping skillz as the reason for the win, and I guess I can see the reason behind that, but I can't help but wonder if maybe they gave her the win so she wouldn't be able to gripe about her carpenter anymore.

Comments

[your momma]

The judges are kicking all the women off one by one...jealous vindictive bitches :) no, but seriously how weird was kicking Felicia off for one bad room, and leaving the offensive and repulsive Ryan to just stay in the bottom next week???? WTF mate?

[PolIVamp]

See, I didn't even watch this episode. I think I read the recaps here and at TWoP, (even if they don't share in my Carisa love) and save myself a bit of time Wednesday nights.

[bryanD]

I just discovered your blog via a Google search of the Top Chef controversy (the long way 'round via Amuse Biatch or somewhere's comments section and a (dead) link to You Tube, that's it!) Love your spirit and your writing! FUNNY! (I'm speaking now of your Project Runway recap) Excellent, though more words would be nicer!(sic but TRUE) ANTM, PR, HK: EACH deserve an episode by episode Treatment. And I am looking forward to it. Thx in advance.

[Cath]

Aw, thank you! I hope I can live up to your praise. :)

[roorooB]

"Incredibly, this was not the least appealing look from Ryan this week"

No, but it pretty much sums up his attitude.

I see you share my perspective on many things, but articulate it far more ... articulately.

I will be back.