They say a truly great chef can take boring ingredients and combine them in a way that exhilarates the palate. So it is with this episode of I Love New York. It's got so many of the standard elements I've come to expect of this show: screaming, boozing, pointless drama, fights I don't understand, Chance making a fool of himself. And yet it captivated me.
A lot.
We begin with shots of 12-Pack working out while Real spots him. The two are talking about how they're both surprised they've made it this far. 12-Pack generously shares the information that New York told him he was the best-looking guy there.
Bear in mind, though, this is coming from a woman who found Flavor Flav attractive. Physical beauty standards are not her strong suit.
Meanwhile, Tango writes New York a note and leaves it on a tray with a rose.
The note reads as follows:
"I'm not Them"
I am Him [Tango is our lord and savior? That's it; I'm turning Buddhist]
P.S. I Read your lips BaBy
If I had received this from a smitten 16-year-old, I'd probably find it sweet. (Illegal and wrong, but sweet.) Receiving a note like this from a grown-ass man, though, is kinda ...off. I can kinda figure out what he means (I am different and special and you got a real purty mouth) but it's just a lame way to go about it. New York says that she's touched, though, so whatevs.
Chamo calls the dudes downstairs and announces that they'll be joined by some special guests. The dudes convene in the front room, where New York greets them and tells Chamo to get the door. In walks...
MeLei, Chance's ex-girlfriend! (I'm totally guessing on the spelling of these names here; the girls don't get the little hearts-and-clouds graphics with their names.) She's very cute, although I could do without the peek at her bra.
She and Chance grin at each other, and I must say it's nice to see exes that are friendly and still fond of each other without any drama or unfinished business. Damn, it's a good thing MeLei is petite, or her face would be blocked by that damn promo for Throw Another Ectomorph on the Barbie.
Next up is Sunny, Tango's ex. Wow. I think she's got a pretty face, but I can't see beyond that awful weave.
She and Tango greet each other warmly, which automatically brings out New York's catty, jealous, bitchy side. You know, the side she displayed throughout both seasons of Flavor of Love. New York tells the camera that Sunny looks to' up and that she can't believe Tango was with such an unattractive girl. New York, have you ever looked at Tango? I mean, really looked? He's built like a baked potato, his skin is pitted, his eyes are beady and his nose is doing something weird there near the end. If anything, I think Sunny's cuter than he is.
Next through the door is Whiteboy's...
...sister? No fair! I'd like to see what kind of woman would date Whiteboy! I'm not terribly surprised to note that Melissa speaks in a slightly high-pitched Middle Atlantic accent, which makes me wonder where Whiteboy's thug patois comes from. And if it's okay for Whiteboy to fake an accent, why did Buckwild catch so much shit in FOL2 for doing the same thing? Oy. Quit making me think, I Love New York! That's not what I watch you for!!
This would probably be a very cute brother-and-sister moment were it not for the damned promo taking up 10% of my damned TV screen area! I'm not holding you responsible, Australia; I know you wouldn't approve of this sort of thing.
New York frets that nobody could find an ex of Whiteboy's. She wonders if he's got something to hide.
Clearly, New York has nothing to hide, not even the pads in her push-up bra.
The next woman to enter the house is Real's ex-girlfriend...
...Liana. Or Briana. Or Deeanna. I'm not really sure and it's not like we have a graphic with her name on it. Whoever she is and however she spells it, she's gorgeous.
Don't she and Real make a lovely couple? Wouldn't they make an even lovelier couple without that damn promo -- okay, I'll let it go. Hopefully, it won't be there next week.
And rounding out the group is 12-Pack's ex...
Jamie. Now, I know this is kind of an awful thing to say, but I think I might've seen this face peering out from a Girls Gone Wild ad before I changed the channel. I could be wrong, though. Let's assume that I'm mistaken and that Jamie isn't prone to making bad decisions when drunk. No, wait. She dated 12-Pack. Hmmm.
And apparently, it ended badly. 12-Pack tells the camera that the last time he spoke to Jamie, he told her to fuck off and hung up on her. He really is a classy guy, this pack of twelve. I don't know what to make of the fact that he and Jamie have almost identical expressions on their faces. Is that just how they roll in Jersey?
New York piles the ladies into the ILNY stretch Hummer for what she promises will be a "day of beauty." (Turns out it's just a manicure.) On the way, she asks the women to dish on the dudes, and to loosen their tongues, she breaks out the bubbly.
I've decided that nothing says "class and refinement" like champagne from a plastic cooler. Most apropos.
This week's backstory for Chamo is that he spent 10 years on powerful narcotics, under the chemical thrall of a mad scientist who liked to watch him stagger around the house in tight shorts. He escaped in the dead of night; a kindly trucker found him lying by the side of the road. In the course of detox from all those goofballs, he suffered a massive case of amnesia from which he's never fully recovered. He found his way onto this show, and is generally happy. But he is still haunted by a feeling of despair whenever he sees Richard Simmons.
Moving on. New York asks Sunny to tell her about Tango (including his prowess in the bedroom, which I cannot believe she asked with her mother right there in the car). Sunny says that the relationship broke up because Tango was so focused on his career. New York charitably tells the camera that Tango would be a workaholic with someone as unappealing as Sunny, but not with the super-fine New York. Nice.
New York asks MeLei why she and Chance broke up, and MeLei cites too much time apart. Mama New York butts in and asks about Chance's drug use. MeLei starts explaining the prevalence of drugs in the music industry, but Mom interrupts with, "So everyone in the music business gets high." MeLei is understandably uncomfortable with this. Mama NY is taking words out of her mouth, but MeLei correctly realizes that anything she says at this point is going to be misconstrued, so it's best not to say much more.
Mama NY tells the camera that Chance is addicted to drugs, that he needs his smoke every day, and that he'd better not bring the crack around her daughter. Mama NY essentially becomes your 75-year-old Aunt Ethel, bless her heart, who believes that every drug in the universe -- narcotics, stimulants, hallucinogens, airplane glue, nasal analgesics, everything -- is the same thing, and they're all also known as crack. She's like Nancy Reagan with a bad wig.
The talk soon turns to 12-Pack and his apparently dubious sexuality. (Personally, I believe that 12-Pack is attracted to himself, and whoever else might be in the room is of seondary importance.) Jamie tells New York that her parents thought 12-Pack was gay and that, in fact, he danced a few times at Feathers, which is ...
Like, indeed. Mama NY and Chamo are enthralled by this information. Mama NY tells the camera that she always knew there was something a little too man-friendly about 12-Pack and calls him "a lowdown brother on the down-low." Which is catchy, if not really correct. At the very least, I don't think 12-Pack counts as a brother.
The ladies get to the nail salon for their manicures, and New York continues asking questions. "Would you say he was the more needy one?" "What was the most expensive thing he ever bought you?" "Which one of you ladies thinks your ex is good enough for New York?" (That one was from Mom.)
Holy flat irons, somebody get Liana a modeling contract. Seriously, she's more beautiful than any of the contestants on ANTM this season.
As the girls get filed, buffed and polished, New York learns that Whiteboy was in a 5-year relationship. Considering that Whiteboy is apparently only 24, that's a pretty big chunk of his adult-ish life. New York is a little puzzled that Whiteboy never mentioned that to her. From what I can tell, there's no dirt on Real because he's a fairly decent person.
New York sends the girls back to their hotel to prepare for dinner. She tells them to expect some conflict, a prediction the dudes are apparently well aware of, because they've already started the cocktail hour.
At dinner, New York opens by asking the dudes if they have anything to tell her up-front. 12-Pack cops to having dated a girl right before he came on the show, but breaking up with her to do the show. Now, why the hell didn't he say that when she asked him about having a girlfriend in episode 2? Lunkhead.
Of course, by admitting to something so innocuous, 12-Pack opens himself up for the question about dancing in a gay club. I'll let you view his explanation.
Not only do I not understand the math there, I'm stuck on the low dollar amounts. Only a true exhibitionist would boogie in a banana hammock for $27 an hour. Or even $95 for 15 minutes. Factor in the driving and traffic time, the money and time spent on hair removal and tanning and you're practically back at minimum wage.
The dudes are predictably shocked by the whole "willingly being on display in the proximity of gay men" thing, and I'd just like to say to all of them: Get the hell over it. Yes, even you, Real. Dancing for someone for money (however little) doesn't mean you want to sleep with them. Most female dancers don't want to sleep with their audience members, as I'm sure many of the dudes are aware. Damn, gay panic gets on my nerves.
What gets on New York's nerves at the moment is that Whiteboy never mentioned his 5-year relationship. "You never asked," Whiteboy says, quite reasonably. Still, New York feels he should have been more open about his romantic history with her.
She tells him to keep her informed on that, but in the most viciously fake-nice way. Yeesh. Soon, however, she turns her jaundiced eye upon Tango and Sunny, who are having a lovely time catching up.
This sort of unchecked happiness will not stand.
New York asks Tango about his history of workaholism, and he says he's gotten beyond that and learned what truly matters. New York says they had a hard time finding out much about Tango's history, and he says that he'll gladly answer any questions they have. "We don't want to know," says Mama NY dismissively, and I shake my head at the whole you-can't-win nature of it.
Mama New York then asks Chance about his drug use. "I never said you did drugs," MeLei pipes up, and Chance thanks her for that. Then he goes off on a weird semi-rhyming tangent about why their relationship broke up. Chance is, needless to say, drunk off his ass. But New York, probably drunk herself, finds him charming.
Well, water does seek its own level. But the dinner party is seeking a new level of alcohol, so they head outside for more booze. In between shots, New York overhears 12-Pack saying this:
You may even make more than $27 an hour. Dream big, 12-Pack.
Already irked by 12-Pack's careerism, New York is further incensed by Tango paying so much attention to Sunny. See, once New York isn't the only woman of childbearing age in the vicinity, she becomes the nasty, childish monster of insecurities we know from Flavor of Love.
And with that, she officially becomes That Drunk Girl Who's Spoiling for a Fight. Tango asks what she's talking about, she shines him on and he "decides to leave." I put that in quotes because I'm not sure how much of Tango's planned exodus is frustration over thwarted love, how much of it is realizing that this bitch is crazy and a mean drunk, how much of it is a ploy to get New York to come after him and how much of it is a ploy to get more camera time.
New York asks everyone to gather in the foyer to tell the ladies good night, she finds that Tango is missing and goes upstairs after him. What follows is one of the least comprehensible fights on this show -- and that's saying something.
I think she's upset that he was planning to leave, and he's upset that she's upset or... no, I still don't get it. But that's the thing about crazy, drunk people: you don't really need a reason to get jealous and pick a fight. Mind you, the other dudes and all the guests are still downstairs. Crazy, drunk people make awful hosts.
Finally, New York gives the ladies a proper sendoff, then closes the door to prepare for Round 2.
Uh-oh. So, she and Tango keep arguing, through every area of the house. New York's in full-on belligerent drunk mode.
Tango, meanwhile, is doing this weird thing where he holds his groin when he yells back at New York. Is the stupidity giving him a hernia, perhaps?
Honestly, by this point, the stupidity is practically giving me a hernia.
New York moons Tango, then flounces off to her room to pout.
No, seriously, he actually does this. Eh, maybe that "shoulder injury" is acting up. New York turns Tango's picture to face the wall, then realizes that she's pouting because she "truly cares for him" or something like that. They talk in the garden and make up. I grimace and shudder violently.
Meanwhile, in the more interesting part of the house, Chance and Whiteboy are boozing it up. They knock back several shots, and Whiteboy tries new means of alcohol delivery.
They decide to mess with 12-Pack who has long since passed out. This ensues:
I have no idea what's up with that hanger. None. 12-Pack basically shoes them off like gnats on a wildebeest. They slur something about being gay (argh), he tells them to get out or he'll smack them, and they immediately depart. They're stupid, but they're not that stupid.
The next day, amid what is probably a house full of hangovers, Mama NY tells New York that she'd like her to pick Real for her date that day. New York says she will, but then tells the camera that she finds Real boring and decides to take Chance instead.
The two of them go to a cooking school, where Chance apparently learns to make asparagus-and-prosciutto bleezies:
New York is charmed by Chance's culinary prowess, and the two of them enjoy their meal. A lot.
I am going to need therapy before this season is over. They ride back to the house --
Gaaah, knock it off, you two! Back at the mansion, Chance celebrates with yet another display of sheer nuttiness, capping off what I consider an episode of "choice Chance." Let's look at some of his great moments from this past hour.
While preparing for elimination, New York cops to her mom that she didn't take Real on her date as instructed, she took Chance. Mama NY is not happy but says, "You look too pretty to spank." And New York does indeed look nice this evening.
She gives the first chain to Chance, while her mother looks daggers at the dude. She lets him off with a warning, though:
The next chains go to Whiteboy, Real and Tango, which leaves 12-Pack outside the case. He gives her a hug, and she wishes him luck in his career.
As he leaves, for a moment he is, literally, light in the loafers. He immediately plummets to earth, though, and tells the entire viewing audience of his plans to go back to New Jersey and "bang the shit" out of his now-single ex-girlfriend. Wow. You can't buy class like that, my friends. Not even for $27 an hour.
Next week, New York and the dudes hit the road. Whiteboy squares off against Chance, while Real looks to get the Goldie edit. We also get this classic moment:
"Is my hair on fire? Because this shit is synthetic." You don't say.
A most astute observation--12 Pack loves 12 Pack. Everyone else is secondary.
I was going to say that 12 Pack was at least better looking than Flavor Flav, but then I saw that picture you posted at the top and had to question this assessment.
Chance appeals to me slightly more than a cockroach. But then again, New York was interested in Flavor Flav, so there's certainly no accounting for HER taste.
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