It's mama drama time on I Love New York, as the two mothers of the remaining three dudes are brought to the mansion for ritual humiliation. (Well, only one of them receives that, and it's really more like random, impromptu humiliation.) Will New York come between two brothers? Will she open her heart to the genuine, not-at-all-manufactured-for-television love of Tango?
Or will she fart?
As the show begins, Real lets us know that he's not going to pull any punches in his quest for New York's love:
Yes, he's got his eyes on the prize. That prize?
Like a yard cat with a decapitated mouse, Tango has left another surprise on New York's doorstep.
The note reads: "I hope you pick a winning hand." I swear, this guy is getting his lines from a third-grader's playbook. But I guess he knows his audience, for New York comes to talk to him.
I salute you, teeny tiny skirt and hooter-length top, for keeping this show's sleaze in the conceptual realm. You have the thanks of a grateful nation.
New York tells Tango that his juvenile, cheesy note really touched ... her...
I'm sorry, what the hell are those sparkly things in the corners of New York's eyes? When did eye-booger-adornments become fashionable? You damn kids today!
Look at 'em!
At the breakfast table, Chamo tells the dudes that their mothers will be stopping by: Chance and Real's will be there shortly, while Tango's mom will arrive the next day. Chance and Real go upstairs to change, and make a big, big deal over which of their many t-shirts bearing the name of their group (the utterly nonsensical "Stallionaires") they'll wear.
Downstairs, the boys' mom, Claudia, arrives and is greeted by Chamo, fresh from his shift at the Hang 'Em High Shot Bar. (That's the only backstory he gets this week; sorry.)
Lovely, isn't she? She's a ray of sweet sunshine, even saying that New York clearly gets her beauty from her mother. The plan for the day is to head out to the ranch where Claudia and her boys raise horses, despite New York's well-documented fear of horses.
Chance, meanwhile, has no fear of boozing it up in front of his mother -- and New York's mother. Yeah, 'cause that's worked so well for you in the past, hasn't it, Chance?
I got bitten by a horse once. Hurt like a mofo. Those textbook-sized teeth pinched my arm something fierce; I had a bruise for weeks. Never look away from a horse named Fletcher, not even for a minute.
While New York has never been bitten by a horse, she does have a pretty strong fear of them, and you know horses respond so well to fear, don't they? So Chance offers her some pointers as he prepares to introduce her to his four-legged friend.
You hear that, New York? Don't disrespect the mother. (This will come into play later.) At first, New York is terrified...
...but she soon realizes that the horse isn't going to eat her (unlike that damn Fletcher) and starts enjoying communing with the critters. You know what she enjoys a lot more, though? Watching Chance commune with the critters.
"Watching Chance stroke those horses made me think about stroking something else," she graciously tells us.
Thanks for sharing!
While a different woman might feel guilty or uncomfortable caught between two brothers, New York is digging it.
I swear, there's a Richard Chamberlain miniseries in that shot alone.
Okay, "Flavor Flav Number 2! Do what you do!" is pretty damn funny, especially if you think -- as I did for a minute -- that Real is actually referring to New York as Flav's second choice (twice). Chance storms off and has a moment of pure teen angst by the banks of the water.
New York and Real walk off by themselves, while Chance enjoys a tender moment with Trigger.
Aw, you can do better, horsey!
Real starts expressing his concerns over having someone come between himself and his brother. Incapable of considering the feelings of another human being, New York starts throwing a tantrum, accusing Real of planning to leave her.
Yes, Real, why on earth would you want to back slowly away from all this? Real assures New York that he's not planning on leaving her and the two walk back to the picnic area. "If I do end up with you," Real asks, "Are you going to keep kissing my brother?" A fair question, frankly.
Meanwhile, the moms are looking at their approaching offspring and wondering what the offspring of that offspring would be like. The show's editors, to my delight, have an answer for that:
I should send those folks flowers when this show is over.
York and her mom head back to the limo, while Claudia has some alone time with her boys. She gets a little emotional over the idea that anything could come between them.
Real and Chance vow that they'll always be brothers and always look out for each other, then they walk back to the limo, talking of unity and --
hiking up their inseams. Okay.
The next day, Tango's mom Paula comes a-callin'. This time, Chamo greets her immediately after his first rehearsal as a backup dancer for the upcoming Madonna: New Mouth To Feed tour.
It sort of makes sense, seeing as how Paula is a former competitive ballroom dancer.
Awwww. See, as much as I dislike Tango, there's just something so sweet about getting along with one's adult parents. Wait, unless he's as fake with his mom as he is with New York. Hmmmm.
Okay, New York, this is what happens when you get all your clothes before the show starts taping and you have Mr. Boston bringing you midnight snacks until you boot him off: your clothes become too tight and you experience the dreaded quadraboob.
New York -- who is literally popping out of her dress -- actually sneers at Paula's weight to the camera. She thinks that Paula looks very matronly and mundane. I think she looks like a nice lady who knows how to have a good time.
This is her response to finding out they're going ballroom dancing. If she has any grandchildren, I guarantee you she's their favorite grandma.
And while Paula is certainly light on her feet, her son doesn't seem to have inherited that gene.
New York comments that Tango didn't really live up to his name.
Meanwhile, her mom takes this opportunity to comment on how old Paula is. I can't help but wonder how many gray hairs would be populating Mama NY's scalp right now if they hadn't fallen out. (Or how many might currently be resting underneath that wig.)
New York compounds the hatefulness by saying how awful it would be to have to put up with an older mother-in-law, that she'd always have to follow Paula into the ladies room in a wheelchair, and I'm thinking, 'Wheelchair? She's dancing better than either of you right this minute!' Also: remember New York's fury over Onix's dis of Mama NY? (And remember how "torn up" Tango was over the idea of looking at New York knowing someone had said something unkind about her mom?)
But it doesn't stop there. New York finds Tango's mom so unappealing, she decides to ruin their lunch together.
Honestly: when Mama NY herself is saying you need to calm down and shut up, you truly need to calm the hell down and shut the hell up.
Paula, on behalf of people with some semblance of manners everywhere, we're sorry you had to put up with that.
The foursome heads back to the mansion, where Paula is sent home (with a big fake hug from New York) and Mama NY grabs Chance and heads for the backyard.
For some privacy. (That's Camera 1 there.)
She starts off telling Chance that she likes him just fine as a person, then asks him to scoot closer. (Camera 2.)
She offers him $5,000 to walk off the show. (Camera 3.)
Specifically, if he's given a chain, she wants him to give it back to New York and leave. (Camera 4.)
Thinking that she may need to sweeten the pot, she doubles the offer to $10,000. (Camera 5 -- or the operator of Camera 2 walking around.)
"No, really, see? It's right there. No, all high-denomination U.S. bills say 'Monopoly'; it, um, refers to the government's monopoly to print money!" Chance agrees to take the payoff.
And this is just the best moment: the surreptitious look around. Oh, yeah, gotta keep this on the DL!
Mama NY seals the deal with a kiss straight out of The Godfather.
Suddenly, I fear for Chance and Real's horses.
Chance himself is rather shaken by the exchange.
Flowers *and* candy, show editors. I promise!
Chance comes inside and instantly tells the other dudes of the offer he received. Tango is --
Damn, I lost my train of thought looking at that hat. If it were tipped any further, I'd know Tango's real name is Simon Adebisi.
At elimination, New York actually gives the first chain to Chance, which sets Mama NY's plan into motion. Sort of.
Okay, here's the first "Will Chance take his chain?" scene.
Then we go to commercial. When we come back, this scene is shown.
Note the discrepancies: Where did that envelope come from? Why is the dialogue looped oddly? Does anybody believe for a second that Chance is going anywhere?
Of course he isn't! Oh, but there's still drama.
New York is upset.
Mama NY is pissed.
Chance is smug.
And Real is outta there.
New York sends him home with lots of tears on everybody's part, including Chance. Tango -- in a rare moment of insight and general rightheadedness -- queries, "Why are they crying? They live in the same house! They'll see each other in a few days!"
I figure it's probably a result of lots of alcohol and not much sleep. And although New York seems traumatized by saying goodbye to Real, she clearly understands that life goes on.
She toasts Tango and Chance, then tells them to pack their bags for Mexico. Next week: a clip show and then... the finale!
Lizards! Vomit! "The anorexic version of 50 Cent"!
Once again the recap is better than the episode itself. Kudos!
Posted by: Cheesemeister | March 24, 2007 at 04:40 PM
I just came across your blog post and I am dying over here. That was the best recap ever! thanks for the memories and laughs!
Posted by: tanyetta | October 24, 2008 at 02:40 PM
new Yorks mom, its demon haha im afraid of here.
well this reality show is hilarious i just got to confes something im obsessed with realitys show hahaha
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