"Dickweed, table for one!"

Dammit, Top Design. I came thisclose to loving this episode! On the one hand, it's finally (finally!) an individual challenge, so I get to see more of each designer's personal style. On the other hand, I simply did not need to see that guest judge.

And poor Goil is coming apart at the seams again. Hang in there, bowl-of-noodles guy!

The five remaining designers meet Todd Oldham for lunch at a secluded table in a popular restaurant. Todd explains that this is the "chef's table," a private table for celebrities and very special guests. If you've watched any of Being Bobby Brown, the greatest show ever to air on television, you can think of it this way: it's the table where Whitney and Bobby eat. They've gone into some high-end restaurants, but they're almost always the only people there, and that's because they're at the Whitney-and-Bobby table. Yes, I know they're divorcing. That in no way impacts the table's new name.

This week's challenge is to design a Whitney-and-Bobby table for a famous chef who will be their guest judge. When Todd says this, I start wondering who the guest judge could be. Then I remember what network I'm watching and how kinda low-budget the whole undertaking has been and ... I start to get a horrible feeling. (And I'm right, too. Damn. The one time I call it correct on a reality show, and I'm right about this.)

The design brief for this mystery chef is kinda murky, and I suspect it's almost a test of how well the designers know their terminology. The chef likes natural elements and the outdoors; he likes the Arts and Crafts Movement; but he also likes mid-50s stylized doohickeys. See, I was fine up until the last one, which throws off the whole package. I guess you could shove an Eames chair underneath a slab-o-granite table or... something.

Goil, bless him, has no references for the Arts and Crafts Movement. Like he had no references for "cabana." He also has no references for high-end restaurants, claiming to be a "bowl-of-noodles kind of guy." Goil, I love you and all that, but you might want to get out more, my man.

So Goil does what I've come to expect: a mostly white room with bright touches of color but no clearly defined color scheme and some interesting use of negative space. The screen with the horizontal lines divides the "prep" area from the "seat and eat" area; the table goes through the gap in the screen. I really like that idea, and I think it's very well executed. I'm not sold on the glass table, but then, I'm not fond of them in general. (Squished-up thighs are not appetizing, even at the Whitney-and-Bobby table.)

I'm not at all sure Michael has much of a grasp on the Arts and Crafts Movement either. He throws out the word "handmade" a lot, but there's more to it than that. A hand-knotted rug isn't necessarily Arts and Crafts, especially in that busy-ass pattern. And why on earth would he go the "handcrafted art" route with red paint on white canvas? Didn't that almost get Erik eliminated in the dorm room challenge?

I can see that he's trying something different with the mismatched chairs, but they're just too mismatched. Goil did the same thing in his room, but he did it better because the chairs look like they might be related. Also, even a creepy, overbearing, surly pill of a judge is right sometimes: Where's the damn storage? Where's the prep area? How is this room supposed to function?

Carisa at least thought of the storage function of her room, but I think she thought way too much of her banquette seating design. It's a bench. Yay. That's her big selling point: a bench. A bench, I might add, that's way longer than the gorgeous, one-of-a-kind, non-leaf-applicable table she used. Yeah, great, you can put a dozen people along the bench, but what are the outermost folks supposed to eat off of, a card table? Ain't no card table in the Whitney-and-Bobby area!

I do like the way she continues the stripe and her use of color -- wait a minute.

Wait a damn minute here. Did she really paint her shirt pattern onto the walls? Holy crap, she did. Carisa, if you manage to last past next week, I will be astonished. And slightly angry, but that's just how I roll. Speaking of which, good luck working with carpenters in the future now that you've told the world who gets to lay down the law when it comes to putting beams across the top of a design space!

"This isn't Top Carl. It's Top Design." You know what? I'd totally watch a show called "Top Carl," and that's not just because "Carl!" was my drinkin' nickname in my 20s. Think about it: You could have Carl Reiner face off against Carl Weathers, Carl Lewis, Carlton Your Doorman and the combined works of Carl Sagan. (Promotional consideration provided by Carl's Jr.) How could that be anything short of earth-shatteringly awesome?!

Moving on. Like the episode itself, the top two designs came just short of being excellent. You know what else was almost fabulous?

Kelly Wearstler's Charles II impression. There's some wonky pun about restoration in there somewhere, but I'm just too tired to mess with it.

Andrea's room won the challenge, and I think there's a lot right with it: the many textures, including a slate-tile panel and suede wall panels; the lighting; the shape and medium of the chairs. But, again, I have a lot of problems with the colors used here. The red rug seems to come out of nowhere, and who in their right mind would put white upholstered chairs around a Whitney-and-Bobby table that is guaranteed to be used every night?

On the other hand, how impractical is a leather floor? I am totally mystified by Matt's decision to put leather on the floor and leave those side walls absolutely blank. Why not put a hard substance on the floor -- maybe slate, maybe a different-colored wood inlay -- and put some leather panels on the side walls?

But the color scheme is fantastic; the drapes are beautiful; the table and table settings are awesome. Note how the table legs are done; that actually combines futuristic 50s style with the simplicity of the Arts and Crafts Movement. I think Matt is now my favorite designer, even if I'd rather hang out with Goil.

And I'm glad I'll no longer have to spend even a fraction of my Wednesday nights hanging out with Michael. In his exit interview, he lists the things he's learned. Don't forget "how to paint," ya noodge.

So we're down to the final four, each of whom I have grown to associate one word with. Andrea: Really? Matt: Luxe. Goil: Wacky! Carisa: Shirt. Or maybe Bench. Or maybe Goodbye.

Comments

[Susanna]

What a big shock that Top-Chef-Whose-Name-Shall-Not-Be-Mentioned was guest judge.

Kelly had a huuuge shipment of space pills this week - for sure. Who has worn leg-o'-mutton sleeves since the 5th grade?

And I would totally watch Top Carl.

[bryanD]

Another good recap. Need to milk it a bit more, though. Too short. And you almost had me convinced of Matt's superior color scheme. Almost! But I appreciate your conviction. Opinions = good!

[Antonella]

Are we to really belive that Pacific Design Center only had 4 (FOUR) sets of dining chairs, forcing Carissa to use patio furniture???

[BronzeMan]

Matt rocks. Why did Andrea win this? This month GQ had a great article about "man crushes," these deep admirations straight men feel for other straight men at strange moments. I have a man crush on Matt. The fact that he's straight and can design all these melodramatic gay guys and withering women under the table is AWESOME! He's like the Tiger Woods of the design world.