Hotel hell

Actually, I wouldn't call this episode of Top Design hell. Unless maybe it's that Sartrean hell in No Exit, where you're just stuck with people being themselves for eternity. (Fact: I once tried to create a "Hell Is Other People" cross-stitch for my apartment. Never had the time to finish it.) Matt is still quiet, still doing his understated chic thing; Andrea is still overthinking things and shying away from vibrant colors; Carisa is still being a brat and griping about her carpenter; Goil is still looking at everything in a new way, but is perilously close to losing his mind.

And Kelly? She's Mrs. Roper.

In keeping with the "hospitality industry" theme begun with last week's chef's table adventure, the designers are challenged to create a luxury hotel room that caters to travelers' needs. Once again, Goil must once again acknowledge the limits of his experience: "I've never designed a hotel room. I've stayed in a few, though!" Bless him.

Each designer must randomly select an "element" to base their design around. The lucky Matt gets water; Carisa gets air; Andrea gets earth and Goil gets fire. Now, Goil clearly rolled snake eyes on this one. Margaret Russell herself points out that "fire" and "hotel room" aren't two concepts that should go together. But to hear her tell it, Andrea has the worst possible element. "I'm not a very earthy person," she says. "I'm not, like, crunchy or anything." Well, except for your hair, dear.

There's the usual drama that goes into the pod preparation: Andrea draws a lot of diagrams and second-guesses herself. Goil seems to be undergoing some kind of breakdown, possibly due to his tendency to try to reinvent design itself with every challenge (a trait I admire but do not advise). Carisa complains about her carpenter and gives him lots of attitude and this show's entire audience yells at the screen, "But didn't you pick him deliberately out of the whole carpenter pool, you blame-shifting noodge?!"

 

This is, however, the first time there's been bloodshed on the show. I guess it was inevitable, what with the tools and all -- and the carpentry implements! Rimshot! Thank you, I'll be here all -- ow. Matt's carpenter, Ed, leaves a bit of thumb on the table saw blade, but returns in a few hours like a trooper. (Shouldn't they have a plastic guard on that blade, anyway? Or is that just for us suburban neophytes?)

Despite the lack of a carpenter for a few hours, Matt's "water" room gets the win. I'm a little torn on this one myself. It looks nice, sure, but not terribly comfy. I'd feel like I had rented a high-maintenance sitting room if I walked into this room. And yay for him, I guess, for thinking outside the box of "water=blues," but would it have killed him to use a rug that had, perhaps, a pattern of wavy lines on it? Something to suggest the movement of water, which seems to be lacking in this room.

Carisa's room comes in second, with its suggestion of "air vents." I'm torn on this room. I mean, I get what she's doing, but does she have to do it in black? I love the varying tones on the side walls, the use of prints on the fabrics, and the fact that she allowed room for a proper-sized window, but the black "screens" just make the whole thing feel so cramped and closed in. White screens would have worked so much better, both in terms of capturing the idea of "air" and in terms of opening up the room. I don't get the poodle, though. I'll tell you that right now.

Andrea's "earth" room is one big ceramic poodle to me. It's not so much that I don't know what she was thinking as it is that I don't like one single thing about how she's done it. Watching her put this room together, I found myself asking the TV, "Have you ever considered this innovative color called green?" (I was more than a little bit shocked to hear Kelly ask the same thing. Having Kelly Wearstler read your mind is a very unnerving feeling.) Throw some dark greens in there, maybe a muted purple, a flash of copper or some other mineral-type reflective surface and work it around a background of light taupe. Oh, but that would be an actual color scheme, and Andrea don't roll like that. Sorry. I just fucking hated this room, and cannot, for the life of me, understand how it didn't get her eliminated.

That said, I can understand how this room got Goil eliminated. It looks... well, cheap. Like a $59-a-night place on the interstate. Admittedly, Goil got the worst hotel-room element, fire. Not only is it conceptually disturbing, "fire" is often interpreted to mean "lots of reds," which is frankly not conducive to restful sleep. What frustrated me was that Goil lit a match a couple of times, and the colors that flared up in that match weren't remotely red. They were mostly yellows, maybe a tinge of blue and a hint of orange and good ol' black. Basing a room on that color scheme would have resulted in a much more relaxing space, and I would've loved to see the fabric wall reduced to one panel with the color palette of the lit match. Oh, Goil. We had joy, we had fun, we had giant yellow peppers in the sun.

True to form, Todd gives Goil a loving sendoff, letting him know how individually wonderful he is. I need to look into finding a Rent-A-Todd or Dial-A-Todd service for those frequent moments when I need a pick-me-up delivered in a soothing voice.

It looks like it's Matt's game to lose now, which could go one of three ways: 1. Carisa and/or Andrea could finally start delivering some great design in the clutch. 2. Carisa and/or Andrea finally snap and start setting random fires in Matt's pod. 3. Matt wins and we all doze off.

Is it wrong that I'm hoping for Option 2?   

Comments

[Susanna]

Why do these people (except Matt, who could've well-played the excuse card if needed seeing as his carpenter maimed himself right good and needed EIGHT freakin stitches on a very important digit) seem chock full of excuses all the time?

Andrea, sweets, where was the green? The lousy patch of grass? No. Please no. I agree that was a terminable offense. This is where that rolling credit disclaimer about the producers and their decisions comes in to play. Yup.

Kelly looks very Flashdance to me. I didn't mind her dress. She probably had her little space pills tucked into her coiffure so she could pluck them out and stick them under her tongue readily. Did anyone else notice her immediate mention of what might happen to those mirrored nightstands? What might that be, Space Cowgirl? I did, however, warm slightly to her when she mentioned that the housekeepers would hate to clean those "air vents" in Carisa's room. It's like the Fembot had a heart or something.

I'll tell you something, when the party gets started on the mirrored nightstands in Matt's room, the first thing that's going to happen is that the poodle is going to take a crap on Andrea's patch of grass and then someone, and I'm not saying who, is going to throw that fucker off the balcony.

Hasta la vista Goil. In a better world, you'll have more than 10 hours and one paint store to create your masterpiece. You can fixate and ruminate all you want and not design by committee. For Goil, truly, Hell *is* other people. Or at least Marcia and Cindy.

[BronzeMan]

I'm rooting for Matt, the only straight guy on the show. Represent the breeders! The fashion tastes of straight men have long been underestimated.

[roorooB]

"Fact: I once tried to create a "Hell Is Other People" cross-stitch for my apartment."

That's MY pillow.

[Generic Viagra]

I think that the episode was very well named because just look mat the hair of the woman above she seems like coming from hell, what do you think about it?