1-11: Yaaaaaawn--WHAT?!

This episode of I Love New York did a number on me. Yeah, yeah, they told me in the previews that the finale would blow my mind, but I didn't think they'd actually be right. I figured we'd have a typical finale with the exotic locale and the day-and-night-long dates followed by a lot of soul-searching and monologuing on New York's part, followed by the inevitable choosing of Chance and the tearful departure of Tango.

I was right about maybe 40% of that, and way, way wrong about everything else. My reaction to this episode has been so strong that to adequately convey it, I must resurrect an old shot of the departed Rico:

That's my take on most of this episode.

We begin with Tango and Chance packing to go to Playa del Carmen, Mexico. They sort through their stuff and --

Damn. Did a sorority blow up in Chance's room, or does he just need to do some serious closet-cleaning?

The dudes and New York fly down to Mexico. When they arrive at their product-placed destination...

(She's either ecstatic or drunk. Or both.)

... they are greeted by a group of ruffled dancers who welcome them.

Yes, "Mexican Hat Dance" is playing in the background. (The overuse of this little ditty to represent Mexico reminds me of what might be an urban legend about a band that played "Never on Sunday" to greet a visiting Greek diplomat. It did not go over well.)

That night, New York has dinner with Tango and Chance. She says they showed up looking "fabulous." I say they showed up looking like they might want to go home and change before attempting Casual Friday again. But hey, she's happy.

Not for long, though. New York says she wanted to "talk about some issues" between them, which is reality-TV-speak for "stir the shit." So she tells Chance that Tango said he (Chance) was fake. And it's on, but it's on in a weird way. Look at this clip and tell me if you don't see the dudes almost cracking up.

Yeah, I think it might be scripted. There's something too "oh, okay, now's the time to stand up" about the way they stood. Although I did like the "hats at dawn" moment:

And the "finger guns at five paces" bit:

It seems to be so much scripted silliness, until Chance kicks what I think is a champagne bucket and splashes Tango.

The rain of champagne ignites Tango's disdain. And then it's On.

This, I think, is much more of a real situation than the earlier squabble. Immediately, I begin mentally handicapping a potential fight. Tango has mass, but Chance has reach. Chance is probably drunk, but Tango is prone to calling for a medic. So I can't tell you who would win... besides us, the viewers.

I do kinda like Tango saying "I won't back down from nobody"... as he sits down. Then he makes this gesture of rage and frustration (you might remember it from episode 7 when New York picked a fight with him).

Chance keeps yelling, New York tries to get him to come back, it's the same ol' song -- but with a fresh new daquiri to take along (apologies to the Four Tops).

Eventually, the dudes come back to the table and New York explains the game plan for the next couple of days. She also tells them that they'll have separate hotel rooms to minimize the time they spend together. And then she sends them back to those rooms and enjoys a lovely dinner by herself.

Which I wholeheartedly endorse. Try the flan!

The next day, Tango meets New York for a full day of boring, camera-hogging quality time. They take a yacht out onto the Gulf of Mexico and while the scenery is gorgeous and you can practically smell the spray of the ocean and hear the calls of the gulls... it's boring. They talk about being together as a topic unto itself but don't have anything much to say to each other. Honestly, this is the most excitement they see all day:

How does New York escape this peril? She puts on sunglasses. Whew! After the "Eyelashes, ahoy!" incident, it's all snoozeville. They have a picnic on the beach and snuggle on the yacht on the way back, then meet for dinner... and...huh? Sorry, must have dozed off there.

One funny thing about their dinner is the graphic that appears with the results of the text-message poll about who New York should pick:

I honestly believe that that's only because there was no "Neither A nor B" option. New York takes Tango up to her room, where she slips into something more... ventilated, I guess.

Classy! My response?

The next morning, New York walks Tango to the door of her suite, then gets ready for her day with Chance. You know that shot of a big Komodo dragon we saw last week?

Barely even registers this week. It's something he sees on his way to the lagoon where he and New York are to swim with dolphins.

New York starts with a couple of caveats: she doesn't swim, and she's a bit leery of dolphins. Chance is okay with swimming, but highly suspicious of the dolphins. Still, they tentatively start to bond with the critters.

New York says that she doesn't trust a creature with a hole on the top of its head. "Where's the brain?" Dude, the breathing hole is atop the dolphin's back, while the brain is in the head. Maybe the absence of neck is throwing her. Anyway, I'm kind of liking New York on this date, so I'll let it slide.

The dolphin trainer talks Chance into floating in the middle of the pool, where he gets a "Superman" ride from the dolphins.

Despite that expression above, he actually likes it and decides that the dolphins are cool.

"They're like water dogs," he says. (Fun fact: some Southerners call nutria "water dogs," and I've heard that the state of Lousiana legally classified them as fish years ago, so the state's Catholics could eat them on Friday. That might or might not be true.)

Then it's New York's turn to get a ride from some dolphins, but she's wary as she doesn't like the water or most animals. Early attempts to get her out in the water don't fare well.

But Chance eventually talks her into it, and though she's very apprehensive at first...

... she loves it and is delighted afterward.

See, now, if all I had to go on was the footage of this date, I'd like New York, I'd like Chance and I'd think they had a good thing going after seeing him encouraging her and helping her to enjoy a new experience. But I've seen so much other stuff: him manhandling her, him ordering her around, the two of them drunk, yelling at each other. It seems like Chance is fine when he's sober, but that's not a good reason to date somebody; that's a good reason to encourage them to seek help and to strike up a verse or two of "Call Me When You're Sober."

Possibly with a horn section. Once again, footage featured in the preview of this episode is missing. I'm quite sure I saw Chance chucking at the dinner table in this setting, but we don't get to see that in the episode, and for some reason I don't even want to understand, I feel cheated by its absence.

After dinner, New York takes Chance up to her room, where they make out to the strains of porn music.

There's something about the wah-wah guitar that's extra special...

The next day, everybody flies back to L.A.

And Chamo makes his sole appearance in the episode, delivering the dudes' summons to Casa Nueva York that evening. Chamo gets no backstory this week; he's too busy job-hunting, poor thing.

Chance goes to a menswear store in a strip mall and buys a bunch of clothes. He also gets...

...waxed. He does crack me up when he describes his former facial hair as his "unibreezie." Hee! Tango goes to a jewelry store to get a gift for New York. That's nice of him.

Back at their hotel, the dudes get ready. Tango looks okay in a holiday-for-stripes ensemble, then he has to push it into "gangster in road-company musical" territory with that damn hat. Chance, meanwhile, has made a big deal out of appearing without his hat and shades, and while he seems proud of his hair, I dunno...

As the nun said to the traveling salesman, is it supposed to look like that? His hair looks like a badly eroded soil bed or something, like the hair has formed a solid mass and is dripping down the sides of his head. I'm thinking product abuse may be to blame.

Back at the mansion, Mama NY stops by to offer her advice.

I'm including this picture just for the momentary glimpse of Your Majesty (hey there, girl!). Honestly, Mama NY would have been just as well off if she'd just stuck her head in the room for a second. "I still hate Chance!" "I know; thanks, Mom."

Everybody gathers downstairs. New York makes some opening remarks, then asks her mom to wait outside. She looks over her two suitors and yammers on some more.

And then she picks...

Tango? Really?

Chance has a similar reaction.

And for once, I can totally sympathize with Chance. Yes, it would have been the mature thing to give her a hug and wish her well, but assuming that he had some genuine feelings for her, I kinda respect his pain. (I sympathized with Chance. Damn, that felt weird.)

Outside, he runs into Mama NY, who asks what his walking out of the house means.

I can also respect that. And damn, it can't be easy, being rejected and then walking right into your nemesis. It doesn't help that Mama NY reminds Chance that he should have taken the $10,000 she offered him to leave.

He's... God help me, Chance is actually right. He rips into New York in the worst way in the limo, but seems to take a melancholy tone near the end.

Back at the mansion, New York gives Tango his final chain, but then he has a little something to give her. And a particular way to give it...

And this is where my grimace of dismay kicks into overdrive.

He can't be...

He is! Tango proposes to New York!

And she says yes!

(In a very Diana Ross way, I might add.)

They're ... he ... she's going to ... I need to lie down.

New York doesn't seem to believe it either.

Notice that when he asks, "Do you have love for Tango?" she doesn't actually give him an answer. That's a good sign right there.

Another good sign.

And then, somewhere in the back of my brain where my darkest fears and worst dreads live, I hear a raspy little voice whisper, "This is why they called it a 'season finale' and not a 'series finale.' They're going to have a My-Fair-Brady-style second season chronicling the most boring engagement of all time."

And then I pass out. The last thing I hear is a promise from the TV that we'll see how this all turns out in 2 weeks on the reunion show. Then blessed oblivion descends. Which is good; my face was starting to hurt from all that grimacing.

Comments

[LeeLee]

Why in the hell did he put the ring on her right hand? Am I crazy?

Great recap, grrrl.

[Elan]

Why was I just thinking the same thing! Don't make no damn sense. lol

[BronzeMan]

I have to agree that this episode was actually unpredictable. I totally thought Chance was going to win.

[BronzeMan]

I am dying to find out what you thought about Andrea leaving Top Design.

[Cheesemeister]

I agree, it was a pretty boring episode. But not as boring as if the do the My Fair Brady thing with it. I couldn't continue watching that fiasco--it kept putting me to sleep!