1-12: Third time's the charm?

I'm starting to get a weird feeling of deja vu for these reunion shows. This is the third such show I've watched in about a year, so no wonder they're all kind of running together. I imagine there'll be some stupid video, some mortifying moments of hubris, some "hold me back!" faux fighting and several "oooooooh!" calls from the audience. (It occurs to me that I've just described a typical "Maury" episode, and frankly, that messes with my head a little.)

This is also only the third time I've seen LaLa. Maybe one day I'll understand why she's on TV.

The show opens with the typical pan over the returning contestants.

Hi, Onix! (You're still too good for New York.)

Bonez, my favorite! (Ditto re: too good.)

12-Pack kisses his one true love.

Lunkhead see, lunkhead do.

I'm not sure if Trendz realizes that his demo is kind of a punchline or not. I'm also not remotely sure I care.

What -- I'm sorry, what am I looking at? Is that Romance with Pepe Le Pew hair?

Real, meanwhile, is sporting J-Lo-at-the-Oscars hair.

And Chance, never one to shy away from any cliche, is peeling bills off a wad o' cash. (I like to think that it's Monopoly money at the center.)

But let's see the main attraction, folks, the --

Whoa. I knew that she'd gotten implants, but it's more the... what's the word I'm looking for...

... extreme skankosity of the whole package that's got my jaw on the floor. The audience seems to approve, but, y'know...

Consider the source.

There's actually one charming moment, when New York takes the wrong chair and is redirected by LaLa. She laughs it off and, for one brief moment, is quite likeable.

That poor top. It could go at any moment!

First up in the hot seat is Romance.

Wait, are we sure that isn't Jim Carrey doing one of his Andy Kaufman-esque gonzo stunts? No? But it would explain the hair! Are you sure? Okay. Honestly, I fast-forwarded through much of Romance's time on stage, knowing that I'd be cringing so hard I could conceivably implode.

Hoo boy.

I don't want to know.

Yay? Moving on.

Mama New York is brought out, and I'm actually disappointed to see she's apparently taken the criticisms of her sky-high hairline to heart and explored the wonderful world of bangs.

She actually looks relatively nice, so good on her. She and Onix spar a bit about his snarking on her showy testifying in church. The audience seems to take Onix's side, and I'd like to note that even Bonez the deacon kinda shrugs when Mama NY says something about honoring the Lord wherever she goes. I do like that the production design has flames dancing in the background for Mom's appearance.

And speaking of flames -- no, that's awful, I can't do that. (But you take my point.) 12-Pack and Heat replace Mama NY on the stage, and --

Wait, has Heat ... has he actually cut the sleeves off of a suit jacket? Making a kind of single-breasted sleeveless tunic? Does he know how ridiculous that looks?

But Heat soon reveals that he and 12-Pack have no such self-awareness. They're taking their "act" (boozing and praising 12-Pack?) on the road and are billing themselves as "The Party Boys."

No, really. Look.

I'm trying to be generous here, but I can find no talent or "act" in that video. These two wouldn't make a high-school drill team with that half-assed coordination.

LaLa reminds us of the controversy over Heat's live-in mom and grandmother and how they could conceivably eat before New York at the dinner table. New York didn't take too kindly to that prospect, but apparently, Mama and Yaya didn't take too kindly to her not taking kindly -- just watch.

Damn. That's three generations of trife in the same house. (And by the looks of it, I'd say Heat lives with them rather than vice versa.)

After the alleged Party Boys leave the stage, it's time for the Stallionaires. Chance and Real do a kind of brother act, complete with crosstalk and insults. Yuk yuk yuk!

Real leaves the stage, then one of Chance's mansion nemeses, Mr. Boston is brought out. He gives New York a smooch that she wistfully appreciates in all its flaccid-lipped glory.

Oh, but wait!

Apparently there's another kind of brother act in the works. Mr. Boston has a twin, who just kissed New York, and ... that's really kind of messed up, there. Mr. Boston and Chance talk smack at each other for a while, then Chance leaves and Mr. Boston starts chatting about this girl he's been dating. He says she's a C- or D-list celebrity, and LaLa says to bring her out.

J walks into the room, sees the stunned look on my face and bursts out laughing. I am blown away by the sheer meta-skankness on display here. We have a dating show reject dating a dating show reject. That's like a Mobius strip of fame desperation there. When asked how serious the relationship is, Pumkin says Mr. Boston is her boyfriend, but he seems to want to downplay the relationship.

I think this is how they met. You might want to get a prescription for Valtrex just for seeing that image.

After scarring the audience for life, LaLa brings on the "winner" of the show, Tango. We dive right into the infighting with a discussion of the friends and enemies Tango made in the house.

Generalissimo Whiteboy has nothing to say.

Am I the only one who looks at Tango's shirt and sees the face of Zorak from Space Ghost Coast to Coast? (Probably.)

After some pointless posturing and squabbling between Tango and the dudes, New York is brought out and --

Okay, Wigstock, a herd of earwigs and the entire Whig Party have been outdone in wigginess by that thing on New York's head. It's not even trying.

We're shown some highlights of New York and Tango's true-love, not-in-any-way-contrived-for-the-cameras relationship as they cuddle on the couch. We're also shown the thoroughly-heartfelt proposal, and this bit of footage, which shows New York's true commitment to the relationship.

For one awesome moment, I thought she was going to swallow the ring. But no luck.

And this video serves as the lead-in to Tango explaining everything that's bothered him since the moment he proposed. Seeing this footage, seeing New York talk smack about him on the show, seeing her talk smack about his mom ... it's all been too much. He makes a surprisingly insightful comment about the nature of personality as it plays out on reality TV: "I love Tiffany. I proposed to Tiffany. But I got New York."

Oooh! What could it mean, Random Audience Blonde?

In typical fashion, New York goes apeshit, screaming about how Tango wasn't worth her time anyway.

There's the girl we know.

Oh, yeah, she went there.

Even LaLa is mortified.

After the fight goes out of her, New York sits and sobs. And then Chance...

... stays in his chair. Ouch!

We end on this Oprah-tic note. For a second there, I feared this would be the lead-in for the second season of I Love New York, but it looks like we'll be spared that fate.

And it occurs to me that part of that deja vu feeling I got is the fact that I just watched New York get dumped on nationwide TV for the third time in a year. What's that they say about the definition of insanity?

Comments

[Mindi]

Poor New York... I actually liked her a few times during this show. Being dumped sucks, and not that she didn't totally deserve it, but three times on national TV isn't something that you bounce back from... although with that new chest she's sporting, maybe she will bounce!

[Onix]

Thanks for all of the love during the show!

[Catherine Cantieri]

Dude! *The* Onix?! Thank you, sir, for being one of the few points of light (and sanity) on that show!