Your take on this episode of Charm School could be influenced by how much reality you credit this show as having. If you think it's a genuine competition of self-improvement, you'll probably think that the judgments reached in this episode are total bullshit. But if you think it's all completely ridiculous, totally scripted and not remotely related to reality in any way, shape or form... you'll have a pretty good time.
Scout's honor!
The episode opens with Becky having to withstand Heather's song stylings. What song is she murdelyzing? "Mary Had a Little Lamb." No, really.
The background music is really throwing me off there, but even so, that kind of behavior from a roommate is just uncalled-for.
Mo announces over the loudspeaker that the girls are to report to the library for the day's lesson.
Woo. Somebody's not a morning person.
The girls meet Colette Swann, their etiquette instructor, who simply cannot have been born with that name. (Or maybe she was, and her only two career options with a name like that were etiquette instructor or the pole.) The girls first practice walking across the room and sitting in a chair. Becky is the first to go, and she flubs the cross-legged sit maneuver.
Wow. How... proud? Sargeant Jones must be. (To say nothing of Becky's parents!) But I do like that "Britney" is now slang for cooter.
The girls walk, with some of them having more success than others. Larissa is told that she walks like Prince Charles (hands clasped behind her back -- which I think is more Prince Philip territory). Shay is told that she walks like there's something sticking out the back of her skirt. For someone who specializes in manners, this Swann lady isn't very polite herself.
Next, the girls have to walk with a book on their head.
It goes about how you'd expect.
"Becky needs this training most of all. She has no charm," Jennifer tells us. Does her mouth ever look normal? Oy. Anyway, the best book-walker is Cristal, who points out her modeling experience in the process. Yes, yes, we know, dear.
Next up is the table-manners lesson, in which "Colette Swann" passes on the (really rather useful) tip that if you make the "o.k." sign with both hands, the left one forms a "b" (for your "bread plate") and the right one a "d" (for your drinks), so you need never worry about snaking someone else's water glass. Saaphyri notes that something that looks like a gang sign would probably not be welcome at her parents' table. Another rather useful tip!
Leilene is, for some reason, really bothered by this whole table-manners business. I get the feeling that Leilene is bothered by a lot of things. She asks about making a toast, and then the mushrooms hit, as the camera angles go all weird to indicate a panic attack... brought on by a toast. I expect to see her bolt out of the room or maybe chunder into a fireplace urn, but she manages to stand up and make the most pointless toast ever. She says something about all of them graduating from Charm School, even though the premise of the damn show is that only one of them will truly "graduate." Oy.
Right there with you, "Colette."
After the girls are done with the lesson, Leilene is still utterly stumped by some of the concepts. Good God, woman, if a bunch of inbred aristocrats can understand it, it should be a piece of cake for someone with more than one grandfather.
That nail is really messing with me. It looks like it's a press-on several sizes too big. (A toe press-on, maybe? Eww!)
Mo announces the day's challenge: the girls will have to charm Andrew Firestone, the dude from the third season of The Bachelor. Mo, honey, these girls couldn't charm Flavor Flav! What makes you think they stand a chance with a dude who owns a winery?
The challenge is like a three-round elimination heat: The girls are to pair up and talk to Andrew, who will select one girl from each pair to have dinner with him. From that sextet, he'll select two girls to chat with for dessert, and then one lucky lady will be chosen for her poise and grace to give a presentation at his new winery the next day.
Mo tells the girls to pair up and advises them to pick a partner they believe they can outshine. Way to promote sisterhood, there, show! Schatar picks Heather because everything about Heather broadcasts "I'm really rather pathetic" to the world. I don't know which half of this pair considering herself a singer is more appalling, frankly.
To review: the criteria are charm, poise, grace and etiquette. And the pool of applicants consists of these girls. Good luck there, Bachelor-dude.
The girls are getting ready for the challenge, when... tragedy strikes! Heather's dresses have gone missing! She says that over $2000 worth of clothing is missing from her closet.
Reactions:
Uh-huh. Guess we know where the dresses went. And sure enough, we're shown footage of Schatar hiding them -- which was somehow accomplished, with big dry-cleaner bags and at least one camera following her around, without attracting anybody's attention.
Heather, predictably, loses it.
Damn. For someone who spends as much time crying as she does, you'd think she'd have worked out a better look for it by now. And it's not like she's having to meet Andrew in her jammies; someone has loaned her a dress or something, and she looks just fine! Zip it, Heather.
In a rare demonstration of basic kindness on this show, Brooke decides to look for Heather's dresses.
She finally finds them, and saves the day, yeaaaa--
Wait. That's the $1500 dress? Really? That thing? Heather, you should've stuck with the loaner. (Note the look on Becky's face.)
Schatar is nonetheless pleased with herself for having messed with Heather's mind. Girl, a hangnail can mess with Heather's mind. Quit patting yourself on the back and do something about that thing on your head!
Finally, Andrew Firestone arrives. Okay, picture Rob Lowe, only more girlish, with some ill-advised plastic surgery and a mouth like a cat's ass.
Yeah, I know. It still doesn't come close, but I hope I prepared you a little bit.
There is enough boobage in this shot to make a whole other person. (That person wouldn't have bones, hands, feet or a brain stem, but it would be very popular at frat parties.) Darra's familiarity with upstate New York's wine country gets her through the first round.
Cristal compliments Andrew on his pink socks -- which totally prove the rule that black makes pastels look cheap and flat -- and goes on to dinner.
Courtney seems to put Andrew off by asking him questions (you know, acting like an interested person talking to another person) so Leilene inexplicably gets through the second round. Courtney makes an awful "she love him long time" joke, and I'm reminded of her asking "Red Oyster," upon meeting her, if she'd like to do Courtney's nails. I think maybe Courtney could use some Asian awareness training, 'cause that shit is just not cool.
Becky can name a specific wine she likes, so Andrew picks her for dinner. Jennifer flashes back to some of her more drunken "Toasteee" moments -- one of which involves the very dress she's wearing for this challenge! -- and keeps mum about wine. Becky celebrates in the hallway by dropping it like it's piping hot! (Dean Mikki, watching on closed-circuit TV, notes Becky's personality change, saying, "How calculating!" with a touch of admiration.)
Larissa flirts with Andrew and wins the first round.
Schatar waits until she and Heather are on the couch to tell her about stealing her dresses. Cold!
Mo and Mikki are like bookmakers watching a prize fight here. "Shake it off, girl!" "Don't get thrown by it!" But Heather is thrown by everything, and so she tells Andrew all about the dress business, and so of course he picks Schatar, 'cause who wants to listen to a whiny wuss who won't stop singing tonedeaf nursery rhymes?
Schatar being Schatar, she immediately gloats about messing with Heather's mind and besting her in competition. Brooke being Brooke, she kinda picks a fight with Schatar.
There's a kind of sorority/kids' camp vibe that makes this sort of funny to me. I also like Brooke's "ooga-booga" hands. But it must be noted: Schatar, you are not too young for anything, except maybe Social Security.
At dinner, Schatar starts the conversation by bragging about her charity work. Darra scores some major points by saying that talking about charity work kind of undermines the point. Becky treats us all: "They call me Ms. No-Booty/When I turn around, ain't got no back to me." Cristal talks about herself nonstop, while Larissa clams up completely, and Leilene manages to make a good toast, to the delight of Mikki and Mo. Andrew chooses Schatar and Darra for dessert.
Over dessert, Schatar goes straight for the nuclear option: she makes up a wheelchair-bound mother! And she embellishes this embellishment with some fake tears. And, worst of all, it works! Andrew asks Schatar, nightmare wig and all, to represent his winery the next day.
Like I said, if you look at this as anything remotely real, you'll be shaking your head until it hurts. Just go with the fakeness, my dears. Go with the fakeness.
While Darra had an excellent point that Schatar had better hope nobody had hidden her clothes, Brooke has come up with a far viler punishment:
Yup. Schatar, you've got a panty on your head. I think the middle part of the undies (the "London Bridge," as I've heard it called) has been black-dotted out, sparing us all the worst part of this sight. But the girls aren't spared!
Hee hee! Again with the "ooga-booga" hands!
When Schatar comes upstairs, she's so consumed with gloating that she doesn't even notice her picture's defacement; Shay has to point it out to her.
"Those aren't mine." Riiiiiight.
The next day, Schatar dresses herself in an outfit that manages to suggest Cruella DeVille, Rorschach blots and pure skank all at once.
The "wine experts" (read: probably production staff members) are similarly horrified by Schatar's look.
I think the best possible spin on this event is that it's a wacky celebration of everything that can go wrong with presenting. Wheeeeeeee!
Back at the mansion, Mo directs the girls to cook some dishes out of her cookbook. Everybody responds enthusiastically to this suggestion except...
Leilene. She tells the camera that she can't cook. (Between this and her admission during the etiquette lesson that she eats with her hands, I'm getting some awful images of her home life. I figure her house looks like either a 7-11 or a POW camp.)
But here's the thing: cooking is not difficult. If you can read, understand and follow directions, you can cook. (I'll be the first to tell you, I can't freestyle cook to save my life, but I can pick some damn fine recipes.) The other girls start divvying up recipes, chopping, boiling, etc. While Leilene...
After this moment of anguish and despair, she starts talking to herself, basically trying to convince herself that she is capable of going downstairs and following a recipe. Jeebus. Saaphyri points out something I had not considered: "You have three kids and you don't know how to cook?" Dude. Those poor kids.
Leilene frets for most of the hour of cooking time the girls have allotted, then finally comes downstairs and starts asking if anyone needs any help. She's told no, and generally given the stink-eye, by everybody, so she decides to make some grilled cheese sandwiches for her contribution to the meal.
When everybody gathers outside to eat, Mo asks who made what and Leilene's lack of participation is immediately brought up. Her response is ... well, pretty much expected. Saaphyri gets yet another zing in: "Mo don't have no recipes for Grilled Tired-Ass Cheese!" (But how cool would it be if she did?) Leilene tries to make excuses and works in something about it never being too late to change (although it can obviously be too late to cook). Mo don't want to hear it and tells Leilene to get ahold of herself.
Then the talk turns to the previous night's competition. Shay wastes no time in calling out Schatar:
(I think she's rocking the hell out of this look. Very Faye Dunaway in Bonnie & Clyde.) Mo, to my utter astonishment, basically says that Schatar played the game and won, so the rest of them need to get over that. Hmmmm. Mo, are you sure you want to give this group of individuals the idea that it's okay to backstab as long as you win?
Heather is distressed by the memory of her dresses being stolen and starts tearing up again. I'm totally distracted by how her eyebrows make her look cross-eyed, so I don't follow a lot of what's going on. But I do remember Mo telling Heather to grow a much thicker skin if she expects to make it in the music industry (neither of which she will ever do).
Then, in a move of camera-friendly cruelty, Mo asks the girls to role-play each other. The first couple takes are kinda cute, but we soon get to the heart of the matter.
After this, Cristal is asked to imitate Saaphyri, and she just goes "Aaaaaaaaaah" for, like, three minutes. I really don't get that. Mo points out that Saaphyri has essentially told Cristal she talks too much about herself, and Cristal spends the next 87 seconds talking about how she knows she talks too much about herself. Good God, this woman is her own recursive algorithm.
I'm almost impressed by this level of confidence. Both Heather and Cristal say that they're confident they won't be sent home, and you know what that means on a reality show!
Yup.
Mo tells Larissa that she needs to grow up. I have to say, I wasn't aware that Larissa was only 22 -- which is just horrifying when you think of Flav's 47-year-old self rubbing up all over her! -- so maybe I should cut her a little more slack. She tells Cristal that she needs to learn some humility and shut the hell up from time to time. And she tells Heather to quit playing the victim -- and that she's expelled.
My first thought: Oh, thank God I won't have to hear that awful voice again!
"Oh, look. On the back of her pledge pin, she had 'Neveah.' " I love Mo for mocking that stupid-ass name.
Next week, the girls learn about fashion and style.
Saaphyri is like a recapper's best friend. This is her reaction to Leilene's why-yes-I-waxed dress.
I think Saaphyri is my favorite. I can't believe I just said that.
Posted by: LeeLee | April 26, 2007 at 01:58 AM
I don't know how much is scripted and how much is real on the show (my guess is around 75% scripted, 25% unpredictable). But I do think Mo did the right thing eliminating Heather. As I watched it, it really got me to reflect on the moments of life where I or others try too hard to look aggrieved as a way of feeling righteous. Mo is right: "Being the victim gets boring, even if you do it well."
Posted by: BronzeMan | April 26, 2007 at 09:21 AM
Oh, rest assured, I am by no means sorry to see Heather go. I just totally don't buy ... well, much of anything having to do with Schatar, really. I can't get past that wig. How can she wear that?!
Posted by: Catherine Cantieri | April 26, 2007 at 10:16 AM
Staggering.
Where to start ....
Colette Swann looks like one of Draculas' brides IMO.
Not sure whether to thank you or not for clearing up the "London Bridge" metaphor. Gotta admit I had been wondering; not sure now that I really needed to know.
And I don't know what to say about Messr. Firestone and the winery. Didn't think the cat's taste was all in his mouth, but I've been wrong before.
Posted by: littlem | April 30, 2007 at 07:20 PM