1-3: Shags and shears

Two things almost got cut this week: Evangelin's model's head and my dear Dr. Boogie. Nearly as tragic was what did get cut: the ever-cuddly Theodore and a bunch of shag haircuts.

On the one hand, I'm impressed that Bravo's legal team got this moment to occur, let alone be shown on TV. On the other hand, I'm kind of unnerved that they did it. That is one hell of a waiver!

The ShortCut challenge is a little too self-referential for me. Sally Herschberger is apparently best known for giving Meg Ryan a choppy shag haircut (kinda like the one Herschberger sports herself), and the challenge is for the stylists to watch Herschberger do the cut and then recreate it on their practice head.

On the one hand, I see the benefit in watching someone do the thing they do best. On the other hand, I just don't get the shag. I tend to see it as the unholy offspring of the mullet and the Farrah, and I'm amazed it's so popular. Herschberger's version involves a lot of "sectioning" and precise scissor cutting, which makes Dr. Boogie (who uses clippers as his cutting tool) a little bit nervous, and makes me nervous for him, especially once it's announced that this will be an elimination ShortCut challenge.

After the timer dings, the heads are judged. Most of the shags look really good (for shags, anyway), except for Lacey's. That's not a shag; that's full-on helmet hair. Which is actually worse than a shag. Goodbye, Lacey. You ... well, honestly, you had no business being here. Sorry.

Herschberger actually says that she'd pay $650 for Tyson's shag cut (Herschberger's going rate at the time; it's now jumped to $800, if you can believe that). Tyson wins yet another ShortCut challenge, and is told that he'll be allowed to choose the order in which the other stylists get to choose their models the next day.

With what I am coming to think of as his trademark you-don't-have-a-warrant smirk, Tyson says that he'll be the most popular person at the house that night. I cannot help but think that such a situation is utterly unfamiliar to Tyson. You ever notice that he does well with disembodied heads, but not so great when the heads are attached to a (living) person?

Back at the house, the stylists are allowed a 5-minute phone call with their loved ones. Tyson is either told he can go first, or assumes that nobody will challenge him for going first because they want to curry his favor. I'm hoping it's the first case, 'cause option 2 is really jacked up.

While people wait to make their calls, they start tearing up already, just thinking about how much they miss them. Tabatha asks why people are already starting to cry, and I feel like telling her what Judy Davis told Kevin Spacey in The Ref (one of my favorite Christmas movies ever), "Because I'm a human being and I have feelings. Didn't your alien leaders tell you that before they sent you here?!" But I figure she must be a pretty cool alien, or the lovely Anthony wouldn't be her buddy.

After the phone calls, Tyson sits in the middle of the lounge and says, "So, why don't you all take turns telling me why I should call you first tomorrow?" Oh, man, he is enjoying this way too much. How much of a dink do you have to be to abuse the power of calling people in order the next day? Theodore tries to flirt with Tyson, but it doesn't work because Tyson says he's straight. I don't see many of the other responses, but Tabatha flat-out says that Tyson is going to call who he wants to call and that's that. I totally respect her extraterrestrial self for saying that.

At the salon the next day, Rene reveals that not only will the stylists get to select their models, they'll have to select their tools. No proper haircutting scissors will be used on this challenge; the only tools allowed will be sharp-edged things like butcher shears, garden shears and wire cutters. This is a great idea for a challenge, although Dr. Boogie is at even more of a disadvantage.

Tyson picks a pair of good-sized household scissors and then calls people in the reverse order in which he believes them to be a threat. He calls Dr. Boogie first, and I'm not sure if it's because he thinks Dr. Boogie sucks or because the good doctor is so unused to non-electric cutting implements anyway. The first people called pick the more mainstream tools. Evangelin, called fourth, says 'fuck it' and goes for the great big garden shears, the tool nobody else wanted.

Daisy is called third to last and takes a box cutter. Anthony, second to last, picks wire cutters because they're the sharpest tools left on the tray (a move he himself identifies as "shear genius," which I love him in spite of). And Tabatha, called last, is stuck with a pair of child's scissors. I'm reminded of that great line of Mrs. Hoover''s in The Simpsons concerning those scissors: "The children are right to laugh at you, Ralph. [I use that line at least once a week.] These things wouldn't cut butter," she says as she attempts to slice her arm with them.

The model selection is nowhere near as interesting as the tool selection, and after Rene Fris' trademark cry of "Let's shake it!" the challenge begins. This is called the Long-to-Short Challenge, but as we'll soon see, it's more like the Long-to-Shoulder-Length Challenge. Then again, I don't think I'd want those garden shears too close to my scalp, ears or facial features.

I mean, damn, that is one brave model. Throughout the challenge, everyone keeps glancing over at Evangelin, out of curiosity and probably concern as well. Because it takes two hands to operate the shears, Evangelin has her model hold her hair so its sticking out between her fingers, then very gingerly tries to cut the hair -- but not the fingers -- off. She clearly succeeds, because I'm sure Bravo wouldn't hesistate to show some blood if any had been spilled.

Theodore spends a lot of time schmoozing his client, giving her a hand massage while she's under the dryer waiting for her color to set, and Dr. Boogie tells the camera that this is not the time to schmooze. He's worried for Theo and, knowing how reality TV works, so am I.

But I soon have cause to worry for Dr. Boogie when he spills his strategy to Rene. He actually tells Rene that he plans to fly under the radar for the first few weeks, then standing out in the later challenges. And that's a great strategy, but you don't tell anyone involved with the show that you have a strategy in the first place, let alone one that sounds kinda lazy! Oh, Boogie, what are you thinking?!

Let's start the damn hair show.

Considering that he was working with wire cutters, Anthony's haircut is quite impressive. It looks a little unbalanced, both side-to-side and top-and-bottom, but it also looks glossy and healthy.

Poor Ben realized too late that his hedge clippers were spring-loaded. (I have a couple light scars to remind me of that, myself.) Factoring in how his tool was literally working against him, the unevenness of this look is understandable, but not quite forgiveable.

Oh, Boogie. Again, what were you thinking? The cut is boring and totally unflattering to the model's face. There's flying under the radar, and then there's coasting so lightly the judges will wonder if you're on fumes. I love you, dear, but you need to step it up.

I can barely use a box cutter to cut a box, so I'm quite impressed that Daisy did as well as she did with this hair. It's a little ratty on the ends there, but the color is really nice. The judges put her in the top 3, so the ends don't seem to be a problem for them.

Danna's color is fantastic, but the cut is just wrong. If you're going to make hair all one length, make it all one length and make it look like it's that way on purpose. This manages to look uninspired and uneven. Still. Nice color.

Holy Garden Ridge, Evangelin's cut looks great! Wow. This is my favorite look of all, without even taking those massive shears into account. The cut is cute, flirty, frames her face beautifully, and I like those little jolts of color. Standing O for Evangelin, who rightfully wins this challenge!

Tabatha's hair looks like a modified version of Anthony's hair. I can see a little more of the thought process here, and God knows I respect her for being able to turn anything out with those little Ralph Wiggum scissors, but it's just not doing anything for me. The judges like it, though, putting Tabby in the top 3.

Wow. Theodore misses the point entirely. Not only has much hair been cut off (even for this challenge), there's not much in the way of actual shape. This looks like a mass of hair has been piled around the model's head. It's just kinda... there. 

Tyson tells the camera that he has never sent ugly hair out there to be judged. Your "hair art" model might feel differently, Cap'n Smug. And I think this hair, while not necessarily ugly, is not particularly good, either. He got first pick of tool and model and this is what he does? Unflattering, stuff sticking out inexplicably, flat color... yeah, Tyson doesn't work too well with the living.

Ultimately, Ben, Theodore and Dr. Boogie are selected for the bottom 3. I fret as Ben is told he can stay and worry that Dr. Boogie has played it too safe and will not be allowed to put the pedal to the metal as he has promised to do. So while I'm relieved that Boogie can stay, I'm sorry to see Theodore go. He might have been a bit out of his depth, but he was a sweet guy, and Lord knows we could always use more sweet folks on TV. Fairwell, you sweetheart slyph of the scissors. Ah, Christ, I need some scotch after typing that.

Next week, things seem to get ugly. Apparently, Evangelin wants to keep using the garden shears. Like the shag, I just don't get that.

Comments

[Marius]

Dr. Boogie is quite a character, but he can get very annoying at times. I never cared too much for Theodore, but that boy knows how to make an exit. This whole Tyson vs. Tabatha thing is fun. However, Tyson is no match for the diva. Tabatha shall be victorious. I'm pleased that Evangelin won this challenge. She deserved it.

Great post!

[littlem]

"However, Tyson is no match for the diva."

That and pretty much any quote from "The Ref" pretty much covers it.

How come Queen Diva Alien Bada** Tabatha places in the top three so often but never wins? Whine.

[BronzeMan]

I'm heartsick over Theodore leaving. Now I guess I'll have to remain straight for the rest of my life; he was the only one I'd go gay for.

:)
John

[Shear Genius Online Episode Seeker]

What? No YouTube link for this one?

[Trucking Factoring]

I really appreciate your ideas and information you mentioned here. I also agree, and your common sense facts and information collected. Thank you for having here.