Color them badd

Ironically, I colored my hair at home just before watching this episode of Shear Genius. Now, I realize this is like comparing brownies from a box to brownies made from scratch in a kitchen with no measuring cups or spoons, but what does it say that I did a better job with color than most of these professionals?

I mean, you'd think Tyson here would know all about bleaching hair, but apparently not.

Last week, I said I hoped future challenges would involve working with color. And like a magical frost-n-tip genie, this show granted my wish! The "short cut" challenge involves taking a mannequin head of hair from "Level 1" (darkest brown or black) to Level 8 (strawberry blond) or lighter in 2 hours, which is an insanely short time to do that.

This is how clueless I am about all things beauty school: my first thought was, "But how can they bleach mannequin hair? Isn't it plastic or something?" So I guess there's real hair on those heads... but I'm not sure I want to know who it came from, how it was acquired or how on earth it got into those little plastic follicles.

The challenge will be judged by Roy Teeluck, the dude to whom the winner of Shear Genius will be apprenticed. I've gotta say, I'm not too impressed with his hair, but Roy seems like a very cool guy: knowledgable, patient, friendly. Of course, who wouldn't be patient and friendly surrounded by 11 folks desperate to make a good impression on you? (Well, I probably wouldn't, but that's just how I roll.)

The stylists take their heads to the shampoo stations to prepare for blondening. Evangelin natters enthusiastically to the camera about something or other, while Tabatha glares daggers at her. I could really learn to like Tabatha. Especially when she and Anthony giggle about her desire to beat Evangelin with her mannequin head. Then they accidentally splash themselves with their sink sprayers and crack up even more and my shriveled, frostbitten heart warms a little bit.

Hubris is one of the best friends of the reality-TV medium, and it's on fine display here. Theodore and Danna are professional colorists, so they get their game nailed down early and spend their spare time chatting with Roy. Danna in particular lays it on pretty thick: "I mean, color's color, you know?" Have they breathed in too many of the 15B Pale Ash Blonde fumes? (Danna will later amble back to her station, apply some lipstick in the mirror, and then fly into a panic when her head is an uneven pastel mess. When the timer dings for judging, her head will still be sopping wet. Here endeth the lesson.)

Jim is also talking himself into a hole. He tells the camera that he's been in the industry for 30 years, and he knows color. "I mean, I know color." This is beautifully juxtaposed with shots of him frantically flipping through the hair swatch book. I think he's muttering, in part, "Orange, orange, violet, violet... no." The weird thing is, I think I almost understand him. Maybe I breathed in too many fumes while dying my own hair.

Dr. Boogie is also finding out that there's no getting over that rainbow, as his head has turned a fascinating, horrifying shade of pastel blue. I'm honestly not even sure how that happened, although he was talking about the importance of not touching metal while bleaching, so that might have played a part or something. He kicks into overdrive to correct the problem, as time runs out.

I'm struck by how much red there is on some of these heads. Not too many of them look genuinely blond. Theodore seems to have done it, and although we can't see Anthony's head, it's pretty blond as well. Tabatha's is somewhere in the neighborhood of blond. Don't worry, my new friend Dr. Boogie pulled it out of the fire and delivers a just-north-of-Level-8 head of hair.

Okay, the main thing that jumps out at me here is how awful Lacey's hair looks. Is this what you kids are doing these days, resurrecting the worst looks of Rod Stewart circa 1978? Has the past taught us nothing?! Whew. Breathing deeply. Better now. For reasons I can't quite determine, Roy says that the three best heads of blond-ish hair were those done by Tabatha, Ben and Evangelin. They're not the blondest, but maybe they did the best job of maintaining an even color and some semblance of health to the hair.

The stylists head back to their pad, where they are greeted by Rene Fris, who cautions them that their day isn't over yet. Before hitting the satin-covered pillowcases, they have to select a client for the next day's challenge. There's actually a cute little bit of in-house humor as Rene asks the group, "What do your clients always bring you?" "Pictures!" they respond. It seems the lot of every stylist is to be expected to turn Jane Average into a celebrity lookalike... which is the very title of the elimination challenge. All 11 stylists have to pick a client's picture that night. But the top three from the shortcut challenge get to see their client and the celebrity she'd like to resemble.

Dude, that's a freaking huge advantage! Nice reward for the shortcut, even if I'm not too clear on how it was judged. Tabatha, as the winner, gets to choose first. She picks a woman with honey-caramel hair who wants to look like Victoria Beckham. No drastic change, and she already looks a little Posh-ish to start with. Evangelin chooses a redhead who wants Halle Berry's hair and Ben picks a light brunette who wants to look like Sienna Miller. Ben doesn't know who Sienna Miller is, but that's okay: if she hadn't slept with Jude Law, neither would anyone else.

Rene takes down the celebrity pictures and lets the other stylists in to choose their clients. There are some nasty surprises in there, including two dark brunettes who want to look like Christina Aguilera and Gwen Stefani at their most platinum. They'll have 2 hours, again, to complete the transformation, but they'll also have to deal with cut, style, and dealing with a human being who can't be uprooted and moved around like a plastic head.

It occurs to me that maybe one of the reasons this show is so much more watchable than Top Design and Top Chef is that stylists really have to be people-oriented in their daily lives. They have to have developed some basic bantering skills along the way, and that translates into better TV. Of course, after only 3 years in the industry, Lacey hasn't built up many people skills. That might also be because Lacey is something of a putz.

And after only 3 years in the industry, nobody has taken Theodore aside and said, "You're not actually going to wear that while doing hair, are you?" At first, I thought he was working with only that apron on, and it struck me as something OSHA would probably not condone. Then I realized he was wearing a horizonally-striped tank top, and I started to wonder why he'd go in to work dressed like a Parisian rent boy. I'm sure they're lovely people, but I don't think I'd want them in charge of my hair.

Daisy and Jim have rolled snake eyes on this challenge. Jim's client wants Stefani platinum, while Daisy's wants an Aguilera white-blond. Jim's client seems more open to less literal takes on Stefani, but Daisy has a very determined client who's demanding the impossible. To make matters worse, Daisy yammers for more than 30 minutes -- a full 25% of their total time! -- while not being able to utter the words, "That can't possibly work. Let's see what we can do that'll get you closer to Aguilerity." After time is called, Daisy has a minor freakout, and Evangelin agrees (in a surprisingly nonbitchy way) that she is indeed fucked.

Ah, hell, folks. Let's start the hair show!

Holy Spiceworld. Tabatha did a fantastic job with this. The highlights are absolutely amazing. The cut, however, could have been shorter in the back (should have been shorter in the back, according to her client) and that will probably cost her the win. Still. I covet those highlights.

Anthony did beautifully as well, giving his model a Carmen Electra do. She looks like she loves the look and says that she felt perfectly confident in Anthony's chair. And Anthony wins this challenge! Yeaaaa! (And does the most adorable goofy stiff-legged dance in celebration.)

This is Evangelin's take on Halle Berry. What the mall bangs are doing there, I don't know. Honestly, it looks like you could hang her on a closet rod off of that rooster's comb up top. Without that thing, this would be a great haircut. But the fact that Evangelin put it there in the first place makes me doubt her ability to deliver a great haircut, frankly.

Dr. Boogie's cut is spot-on Nicole Ritchie. My only complaint is that it could use some Nicole-ish light honey highlights to spark it up a bit.

Ben says this cut captures the spirit of Sienna Miller. Seeing as how it doesn't capture the color, length or shape of Sienna Miller's hair, I guess that's all that's left, but I don't even think it got the spirit right.

By comparison, Lacey's approximation of Jennifer Aniston's hair isn't too bad. It's got that I-burned-one-at-the-beach-and-then-hit-the-red-carpet vibe to it, but it could have done with more pale gold highlights and some shorter layers.

This is not Gisele, Tyson. (Say it with me: more highlights, shorter layers.)

This is not Jessica Simpson, Theodore. This isn't even that stank red wig she wore last year; at least that thing had some uniform color to it.

This is not Jessica Alba, Danna.

The worst two, of course, are Daisy and Jim's clients. I'll just let you look at them and observe a moment of silence.

Daisy's client is pissed.

Jim's client, meanwhile, has that heartbreaking smile that says, "No, it's okay. I can take it," when you know she's just dying inside. And outside, too: it looks like her hair is fried. And so Jim is toast. I think a case could be made for ditching Daisy, who couldn't tell her client no and mismanaged her time so badly, but I also understand letting go of a stylist who damages hair. Jim has a nice farewell, and leaves with a hug from Dr. Boogie.

I'd love to tell you what next week's preview is, but my TiFaux cut off, so I'm going to make something up: The stylists have to build and animate a golem out of weave. "Watch what happens" indeed!

Comments

[BronzeMan]

I'm totally with you on this show. It is really fun! I'm surprised how much I like hairdressers better than interior design snobs or Project Runway mavens. These people are really fun!

And I think Theodore looks great in his Parisian horizontal stripes. He's a flaming gay man and not afraid to take it to the umpteenth degree. Go Theo!

John

[littlem]

I'm a bit apprehensive about next week. It appears to have something to do with shears. Like GARDEN shears.

That client of Tabatha's would have looked like a football with her hair cut any shorter in the back. QDB wuz robbed IMO.

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