I am screaming and punching myself

And the cycle of abuse continues

I have received some truly disturbing news. Applications for a second season of I Love New York are now being accepted. And all I can think is this.

8-10: Clip service

Ordinarily, I wouldn't even bother blogging about a Top Model clip show, but the contestants this season were so genuinely entertaining, I can't help myself.

Seeing how great she looks in this wig made me wish that those long extensions had worked for Jael. Ah, I weep for what could have been. Or maybe it's the booze.

1-3: Shags and shears

Two things almost got cut this week: Evangelin's model's head and my dear Dr. Boogie. Nearly as tragic was what did get cut: the ever-cuddly Theodore and a bunch of shag haircuts.

On the one hand, I'm impressed that Bravo's legal team got this moment to occur, let alone be shown on TV. On the other hand, I'm kind of unnerved that they did it. That is one hell of a waiver!

1-2: What does Emily Post say about a bad wig?

Your take on this episode of Charm School could be influenced by how much reality you credit this show as having. If you think it's a genuine competition of self-improvement, you'll probably think that the judgments reached in this episode are total bullshit. But if you think it's all completely ridiculous, totally scripted and not remotely related to reality in any way, shape or form... you'll have a pretty good time.

Scout's honor!

The week in Britney

Well, actually, it's much closer to a month. For the past few weeks, I've come across pictures of Britney looking absolutely awful every few days, and I'd save them to my hard drive, thinking, "Oh, I've got to blog about this!" But then I'd get so wrapped up in TV blogging that it seemed I'd never catch up. However, we've now reached critical mass in terms of mortifying shots of Britney. I can no longer procrastinate bringing you these sights, although you might wish I had once you've seen them. (Actually, that's not completely fair. She looks okay in a couple of the -- well, in one of them, when it's cropped in close.)

I'm not even going to get into the insanity of what all Britney has said lately. I'm just going to stay here in the shallow end.

8-9: Natasha glows and Jael blunders

Damn. Once again, I must lead with an apology. Not only am I pressed for time, the CW web site has no portfolio pictures from this week, and most of the candid shots are underwhelming, too. So in keeping with the theme of learning something new from travel, I'm going to simply list a few things we now know that we didn't know before this episode.

I swear, ANTM, sometimes I don't know if I love or hate you, or some twisted combination of the two.

Color them badd

Ironically, I colored my hair at home just before watching this episode of Shear Genius. Now, I realize this is like comparing brownies from a box to brownies made from scratch in a kitchen with no measuring cups or spoons, but what does it say that I did a better job with color than most of these professionals?

I mean, you'd think Tyson here would know all about bleaching hair, but apparently not.

1-1: Skank-away camp

Oh, of course I'm recapping Charm School! Did you ever think I wouldn't? I've stuck by this godforsaken franchise for so long, I couldn't leave it now. Besides, Charm School turned out to be some of the best TV I've seen in a while.

I'm gonna warn you: this is going to be long. I'm going to go off on many tangents, make several sweeping pronouncements with no basis other than my own half-assed opinion and spitball a lot about the characters of people I've never met.

I know; what a surprise!

1-12: Third time's the charm?

I'm starting to get a weird feeling of deja vu for these reunion shows. This is the third such show I've watched in about a year, so no wonder they're all kind of running together. I imagine there'll be some stupid video, some mortifying moments of hubris, some "hold me back!" faux fighting and several "oooooooh!" calls from the audience. (It occurs to me that I've just described a typical "Maury" episode, and frankly, that messes with my head a little.)

This is also only the third time I've seen LaLa. Maybe one day I'll understand why she's on TV.

The first casualty of pet ownership is dignity

"Good news!" I crowed jubilantly into the phone. "Emily pooped!"

How did I come to this? One of the reasons I've given for not having kids just yet is that I don't want to be intimately involved with the excretory functions of anyone but myself. But sooner or later, as a pet owner, you're gonna have to go there. It's just part of mammal stewardship, I guess.