Why I hate America

Well, I don't hate them, per se, I just don't understand how they racked up the success they did, and I change the channel any time I hear one of their songs, and I just sort of generally can't stand them. Wait, what? No, no, I didn't mean it like that! Fine country; lovely people.

But the band, dear Lord. I was reminded of my profound anti-Americanism weekend before last, when J and I found ourselves watching part of The Last Unicorn out of sheer inertia. What motivated me to change the channel? This song.

That first line, "Horizon, rising," produced a grimace and shudder that cracked J up from across the room. And yet, America seemed like the perfect match for The Last Unicorn: mystical-ish but not really, entertaining in a brain-killing sort of way, firmly rooted in the era of avocado-colored appliances and roach clips.

Seriously, how did these guys reach the top of the charts? I figure maybe people were really busy in the early 70s, doing stuff like macrame and initiating no-fault divorces, so they weren't paying much attention to what was on the radio. Next thing you know, you're on your way to the clinic for a shot of penecillin and you hear a guy who sounds like Neil Young singing about remembering your name and nobody being there for to give you no pain. And yeah, the harmonies are catchy and the chords are nice and wistful, but come on. "For to give you no pain"?

And "Sister Golden Hair" wasn't much better. Frankly, any song that starts out with the protagonist depressed in the first line is gonna be rough. What's worse, America songs were pretty easy to play (and, probably, to write) which meant that every college kid with an acoustic could pick them out at parties that had taken a wrong turn.

But the worst thing by far isn't an American original. You know what I'm talking about: "Muskrat Love." Now, I know that most of this vile song can be laid at the sensibly-shod feet of The Captain and Tenille, but good God, did they have to cover it?! Was the world crying out for an even more softly produced version of this song, its images of muskrats eating bacon and humping rendered in three-part harmony?

No. No, it was not.

(These guys aren't America, but they're doing America's arrangement of the song. And I think they prove my point about the college kids with guitars.)

If you've never familiarized yourself with "Muskrat Love" or its zoological horrors (was it written by a closet furry or something?), please enjoy these lyrics:

Muskrat, muskrat candlelight
Doin' the town and doin' it right
In the evenin'
Its pretty pleasin'

Muskrat Susie, muskrat Sam
Do the jitterbug out in muskrat land
And they shimmy
Sammy's so skinny

And they whirled and they twirled and they tangoed
Singin' and jingin' the jango
Floatin' like the heavens above
It looks like muskrat love

Nibblin' on bacon, chewin' on cheese
Sammy says to Susie 'Honey, would you please be my missus?'
And she say yes
With her kisses

And now hes ticklin' her fancy
Rubbin' her toes
Muzzle to muzzle, now anything goes
As they wriggle, and Sue starts to giggle

And they whirled and they twirled and they tangoed
Singin' and jingin' the jango
Floatin' like the heavens above
It looks like muskrat love

What does "jingin' the jango" mean? Dunno. Are muskrats monogamous? No clue. Do female muskrats have a, um, "fancy"? Don't want to know, and will harm anyone who attempts to tell me. Did they have to include the bit about bacon and cheese? My thoughts exactly. Like I said, it's an awful, icky song, and the production on America's version of it just makes it sink deeper into my brain, exactly where I don't want it.

And that's the worst part, really. I think the thing I hate the most about America songs is that I heard them just enough in my formative years to have them forever engraved in my memory. I can't dislodge them, no matter how many brain cells I kill with booze. I'll be in my 80s, incontinent and raving incoherently, but I'll still be able to quote verbatim: "After nine days, I let the horse run free 'cause the desert had turned to sea." And they'll shoot me full of goofballs and put me down for my nap.

Comments

[Anton]

I remember a story about the Queen of England coming to the states in the 70s. Captain and Tenille were invited to the White House to perform for her. (Honestly- was that the best we could do for entertainment?) Apparently they played 'Muskrat Love' for her and she was not amused! Lol.

[Catherine Cantieri]

That sound you just heard, no matter where you are on Earth, is me gasping. They played "Muskrat Love" for the QUEEN?! I do not have enough pearls to clutch them sufficiently. That is just not *on*!

(Thanks for the story!)

[J.D. Judge]

Oh, I thought I would have get redneck on yo ass. Phew.

But, and I feel stupid for asking this... what is America? I was born in 1993, so... ??????

[Catherine Cantieri]

1993? Wow. Let's see... America was (and possibly still is) a folk-pop band whose first album came out in 1971. The year I was born. The year your *parents* might have been born, in fact!

If you want to hear their music, go to iTunes and search for America. You might note that some of the songs are pretty catchy. That's their secret weapon. The harmonies and vocalizations (the "la la la"s and "doo, doo-doo"s) are really quite nice, but the lyrics are pretty bad. And then there's "Muskrat Love." Happy hunting!

[Susanna]

Eek!

America goes into the category of "Mercedes Music." This is the music that my brother and I, born in 1970 and 1971 respectively, listened to while we were captives for many hours of errands and carpool in our mother's Mercedes in the 1970s.

We burn CDs for eachother every Christmas and birthday called "Mercedes Music vol. _" and America invariably ends up on those CDs. We're up to volume VIII.

"Sister Golden Hair" is one of those chafing horrid tracks that can be counted on to take me back to a special place in time... skinny legs glued to the seats of the car in the summer evening, clutching my second place ribbons from the swim meet, eyes burning with chlorine, feeling queasy from bad potato salad and dreading the summer school homework I would have to do when I got home...

[Tonio Kruger]

Well, thank God we live in the age of Britney, so that we can all honestly say that American music is a lot better now...

** Crickets **

What?