1-4: Master-debators

Ow! Oh, hell, I deserved it for that lame-ass pun in the title. And it will set the tone for this pugilistic episode of Charm School, in which the girls attempt to learn the graceful art of verbal battle (note: it doesn't happen) and one girl in particular (guess who!) picks as many fights as she can with people she believes won't actually kick the crap out of her.

Ya think?

We open with Mo telling the girls to get ready for a field trip. The main topic of conversation as they dress and primp is --

--whummahumma! You know, if Becky is doing her own makeup for this show, she should seriously consider a career as a makeup artist, 'cause the difference is just astounding. Anyway. The main topic of conversation is Cristal and her nonstop flappin' gums.

Shay is, not surprisingly, over it.

The girls gather downstairs and are taken to the Cal State Fullerton campus on...

... a short bus. Which is so thoroughly appropriate, I could swear I hear a bell somewhere.

They're introduced to the head of the debate program, Dr. Greg Dulli -- er --

Yeah. Him. Bless his heart, this man is going to attempt to teach this motley crew about debating. (When they walk into the room, a guy is trying to argue against detainee abuses at Guantanamo, using these words, "You're not empowered when you're being tortured!" And while I certainly can't argue with that, I think he might have chosen some stronger words.)

Dr. Bruschke explains the rules of debating while Saaphyri adds her own interpretation.

This outlook will be referenced later on. What I wonder is: where the hell is the bottom of the waist? Is it the belly button? The rise? The FUPA? What the first episode of Squidbillies referred to as the "front butt"?

Before breaking down the rules of debate, Saaphyri does this strange little bit for the camera where she acts as if she's accidentally calling Dr. Bruschke a "master 'bater" -- you know, like master debator, only she forgot the "de" or something. It reeks of a producer-fed line, and it makes me a little suspicious of this whole enterprise. Oh, I know, I know, I shouldn't take any of it at face value, but I want to believe, Agent Scully. I want to believe.

The teams are divided as follows:

(Dr. Bruschke actually says "Shahira" for "Shay," to my utter bewilderment. It's the only name that gives him any trouble, although it's spelled exactly like it sounds. Eh, maybe he'd heard "Hips Don't Lie" a few too many times.)

Larissa, emanating hate like enriched plutonium emanates radiation, decides to focus that hate temporarily on her teammate Leilene, who is having trouble understanding debate since she has only a 10th-grade education. (I don't think Larissa actually understands the concept of "teammate," although I'm willing to bet she could eventually figure out that it's an anagram for "Eat me, ATM!" and use this as a way to inflict her hate upon innocent cash machines.)

Leilene, I say this as respectfully as possible: Maybe it would be a good idea to take the long view and focus your energies on a GED and some community college courses instead of another reality show. And possibly look into therapy and meds for social anxiety disorder. You freak out way too easy, girl.

The affirmative team seems to be gelling much better, practicing their debate style with some trial topics. However, Cristal manages to relate Larissa's anger management problem to her own and -- huh? Cristal, you don't have an anger management problem; you have an ego management problem.

The debate topic is revealed and ... oh, dear.

I was going to protest that they could have made the topic related to political or philosophical issues, but then I considered the pool of debaters and realized that, yeah, they made the right choice. (Damn, Larissa looks like Gollum with his eyes on the Ring in that shot, doesn't she?)

Team A will be the Negative team (or "no, we don't!") while Team B will be the Affirmative ("yes, you do!"). Dr. Bruschke reveals that since the debate style they'll be using involves 4-person teams, one member of each team will be benched. Unlike the judge gig last week, the benched 'bators will be eligible for elimination even if their team won. So now it becomes a question of who can get shoved to the sidelines.

Schatar is eager to put Brooke at the card table, but Brooke ain't trying to hear that.

"Remember, I'm a substitute teacher!" ("And a cheerleading coach," my mind automatically adds.)

But everybody knows who's going on that bench for the Negative Team.

Leilene isn't happy, for a number of reasons: not only does this affirm that she's the weak link on her team and they all want her on the bench, it puts her at risk for elimination.

But she handles it in the best way possible. Bravo, Leilene!

What the hell am I looking at? Who's talking? I think it's Becky, but I can't tell because there's a gilt-encrusted Aussie ectomorph blocking 45% of my damn screen! Jeebus, knock it off, VH1!!

Over on Team Affirmative, Cristal knows she's being benched because Saaphyri doesn't like her, and Becky's still steamed over Cristal's talk with Mo before the last elimination. Cristal pouts over how this is actually a popularity contest and I want to take her pulse and temperature and ask her if she honestly thought a Flavor-of-Love-based reality show would ever be anything else.

Cristal's response to being benched is a tad different than Leilene's.

A big tad.

The girls head over to an auditorium of sorts, and several of them seem intimidated by it. "This shit is real!" intones Darra.

Yes, it's a ... forensics meet. Ooga-booga!

The teams take their places, and the benched girls -- the equipment managers of their teams, I guess -- take their seats in the audience. Let's compare the Goofus and Gallant approaches taken by Cristal and Leilene.

Cristal even talks to Dean Mikki while her team looks on. What does she talk about? Whether or not she should have argued more about being benched. It looks to me as if Mikki is considering the most ladylike way of setting Cristal on fire to get her to go away.

Finally, the debate begins! Becky leads off with a very cogent explanation of why Courtney's team should go home. She tells the camera that she's been to court several times, so she knows how to debate. Well, way to make some lemonade out of that one, Becky.

Next up is Brooke.

I love the language she uses. "That's just running away from the problem!" She defines herself and her teammates as a problem to be solved, apparently on the order of urban blight or resistant bacteria. (And is she wrong...?)

I'm going to use this guy as my barometer for the room's response to the debaters. He seems unimpressed but otherwise okay with Brooke's speech.

Next up: Shay vs. Larissa. "The Bobbsey twins are going toe to toe," summarizes Schatar. My fears of coddling are swept out the door when Shay points out that nobody on her team has learned much from Charm School, and uses Larissa's baby voice as an example. Tongue-tiedness ensues.

I like Larissa a lot better when she's fumbling for words. Someone should upset her all the time. I'll gladly do a shift.

Then Schatar and Saaphyri face off. Saaphyri doesn't seem to have absorbed the rules about debating, particularly the one about not talking over your opponent, but she does seem to have absorbed years' worth of L.A. Law, Law & Order, Ally McBeal, Boston Legal, Matlock, Mock Trial with J. Reinhold, etc.

Saaphyri goes on to talk all over Schatar and badger her about whether or not this event happened. Personally, I don't think it did, if this is the incident she's talking about:

None of that happened the way she described it. The empire waist of Brooke's dress precluded any breast flapping, and Schatar would have to be 4'6" to have Brooke's breasts anywhere near her lips. My regard for Saaphyri is really slipping here. "Saaphyri thought she was Johnnie Cochran in the O.J. trial!" laughs Courtney.

Finally, we get to the closing arguments. Darra sums up for Team Affirmative.

I have... no idea what the hell she was talking about. At times, it even seems like she was arguing for the Negative team.

Darra thinks she hit this one out of the park.

Area Man isn't so sure.

Courtney sums up for Team Negative by saying essentially, "We're no better or worse than the other team, we've got a lot of learning to do, and this is the best place to do it."

And Dr. Bruschke agrees, giving the win (and a sad little trophy) to the Negative team.

Mo is totally confused. To her mind, the Affirmative team won, and I think if you focus solely on Becky's opening statement and Shay's besting of Larissa, that's a reasonable conclusion to draw. But there was a lot of meandering mess on the Affirmative team that outdid Larissa's bumbling. Dr. Bruschke explains to her that the Affirmative team never satisfactorily answered the Negative team's challenge to prove why these specific people deserved to go home over the other five. Plus, y'know, Saaphyri broke the rules.

Mo goes a little far over the line of decorum here, telling the Negative team that while they may have the trophy, theirs was a false victory. Which is not only flipping the bird to their host and judge, it's flipping the bird to the rest of the team. I think Mo is focused on Larissa, and Larissa thinks the same thing.

And the thing is, while I agree that Mo is singling Larissa out, there's a good reason for that: she's awful. Not only does she have the personality of a burst carbuncle, she did a lousy job in the debate. Leilene could probably have done a better job.

Larissa tells the camera that Mo has messed with the wrong person. Oh, that's just funny. Yes, Larissa, I'm sure Mo'Nique is quaking in her boots over your anticipated reign of terror.

Here's the weird thing: Larissa has fans. No, really, she does. They post comments here (most of them incoherent and a couple of them threatening) about how fine Larissa is and how she'd kick New York's ass. The thing is: (1) life itself is doing a perfectly adequate job of kicking New York's ass, and will probably continue to do so (2) Larissa looks like the Grinch most of the time, and like a bull about to charge when she gets really mad. Besides, not even the combined pulchritude of Angelina Jolie, Queen Latifah, Heidi Klum and Angela Bassett could overcome Larissa's personality.

So with everybody in a bad mood (the team that won but didn't, the team that didn't actually win, the benched girls), it's time to go drinking! That'll make everything better!

This actually looks like an awesome evening out. Until...

Leilene: I'm not exhibiting the best possible judgment right now.

Schatar: If anybody needs me, I'll be over there!

Larissa: I radiate hatred like a noxious space heater; I'll throw some hate anybody's way because that's how I roll.

Leilene: There's a lot of people in the world; are you going to fight them all? (An excellent point; Leilene probably would have been just fine in that debate.)

Larissa: Having a mental age of 12, I have conflated being a shit-stirring harpy with being strong and confident.

Leilene: But think of how you're being perceived out there; I've got a daughter at home and --

Larissa: I've decided to bring up the fact that you've been a stripper. This has no bearing whatsoever on anything you were saying, but I know it'll upset you and that feeds my hatred like sunlight feeds photosynthetic cells.

Shay's arm: Maybe if I flip Larissa's hair onto her head, the spell of loathsomeness will be broken and we can go back to having a fun evening. Or... maybe not.

Larissa: I have a low opinion of you because you've danced half-naked for money.

(Note that Larissa did the above for free.)

Larissa: Because I am a bully who derives a sick sense of pleasure from screaming at others whom I believe will not harm me, I will continue howling insults at you and pretend to need to be held back by others.

Becky: And me without a shoe to throw.

Here, Larissa throws a punch at Leilene as Becky leads her outside. It seems to land on Becky's backpack or shoulder, and the crowd goes "Ooh..." Larissa instantly retreats as Becky turns around. This is what scientists in the field call "acting like a cowardly-ass punk who knows when she's face to face with a bigger dog."

In the first genuinely nice act I've seen her do, Saaphyri leads Leilene outside to cool down. Leilene is upset because Larissa has called her mothering abilities into question, and she is so passionate in her outrage that Saaphyri is scared. I'm going to say that again: Saaphyri is scared of Leilene. I like this development a lot.

On the bus, and back at the mansion for elimination, Larissa keeps talking shit about, and to, Leilene. I highly recommend watching the V-Spot videos for this episode. (Skip the first one unless you really, really want to watch Brooke pee into a water bottle.) Larissa truly is a walking puddle of bile. Honestly, her behavior is so galling, I find myself needing a kind of meditation to keep from fuming at it myself. I try to remind myself that one day, she'll piss off the wrong person and wind up looking for her teeth in a parking lot. I'm not proud of how happy this thought makes me.

At elimination, Larissa is sure that Mo won't eliminate her, so even when Mo calls her out for general hatefulness, Larissa just sneers at Mo. Mo actually goes for the visual and tells us: "'Cause when life gets ahold of you, it uses no Vaseline. It simply bends you over. And it's very painful." Becky speaks for us all: "Ew!"

Inside the mind of Shay: Mo comes after you, you're on your own, Mr. Grinch.

The carpet klatch isn't too surprising: both benchees and the girl who broke the rules of debate. The panel is pretty nice to Leilene, telling her she needs to quit letting others win and stand up for herself more. Mo even tells Leilene to go back to the group, meaning she won't be eliminated.

When it comes down to Saaphyri vs. Cristal, much is made of Cristal's sour attitude after being benched. Cristal insists that she was polite and tried to help the team. Saaphyri says that Cristal told her to fuck off and says, "It's all on tape so you can check it." If she hadn't concocted a nipple on Schatar's lips in the debate, this might hold some water with me. It seems to hold water with Mo, though, and Cristal is dismissed.

Saaphyri is clearly distraught.

She leads a cheer about pushing a "bitch up out the house," and I'm really kind of done with Saaphyri. She has some funny lines sometimes, but now I wonder how many are fed to her by producers, and like I said, she just doesn't seem very nice.

Speaking of which, next week, Larissa is hateful to just about everybody.

I should have a macro for that.

Comments

[Dave]

Much like you have suspended your disbelief in the illusion of true growth as a result of this "Charm School" you may want to consider suspending your disbelief in Larissa's attitude being worthy of taking seriously. On a personal level, her hating has consistently provided immesurable (sp?) entertainment. It's like watching an angry stand up comic; whether it's real or not isn't the point: the point is that it is hilarious. She's like a roid raging midget.

[PolIVamp]

Schatar scares me.

I consoled myself through Larissa's bitchery by telling myself "You know what? The first chance Mo gets to eliminate her, her ass is SO gone." Maybe it will help you?

[Catherine Cantieri]

The thing is, Dave, I don't find Larissa entertaining or hilarious at all; I find her draining and pathetic. I'd much prefer watching the antics of Schatar, Brooke, Courtney, Darra, Becky, etc. without this screaming harpy around to pester them. It's like a nutty comedy is taking place, but it keeps getting interrupted by a toddler flinging shit at everyone.

And PoliVamp, I'm not so sure Larissa will be gone too soon. I think Mo sees her as a project, a mission, a quest ... a mini-me. But damn, I hope you're right.

[Kim]

EXCELLENT comments on Larissa - she is the biggest hater (Gollum with the Ring - HA!). Leilene showed a lot of class by not whooping her @ss.

[Kim]

I also agree with what you said about Larissa just interrupting the otherwise amusing proceedings. Also loved your imagined dialogue for her - brilliant as always, Catherine!

[Coral Gables Strippers]

Great blog, love the template.