One of two things is happening with Charm School. Either it's going completely off the rails, turning into a free-for-all where neither rules nor logic apply, or it's as cynically planned and executed as a green-card wedding. And I suspect it's the latter. I feel like I can see the wires, even if I can't see who pulls them out of the rigged-up phone booth.
To my chagrin, you can see the captions in this week's episode. Sorry about that; there are still a few kinks in the new-TV setup. (On the other hand, I probably didn't misquote anybody this week!)
As we start the episode, the girls are preparing for another field trip. Shay and Larissa are talking shit about (let's spin the wheel)... Brooke. They are grossed out that she kissed a total stranger in a bar during the drunken shenanigans of the previous episode. I find this fascinating, coming from two women who (like Brooke) have kissed Flavor Flav.
Yeah, best not to think about it.
Mo announces that the day's lesson is about money and business. Schatar is delighted, and zooms off to...
...okay, what is the point of those curlers?! If the rest of your hair looks like nylon, why even bother putting a curl in randomly selected chunks of it? Need to quit thinking, need to quit thinking...
And speaking of quitting thinking, Becky announces that she hasn't been to college because she believes that colleges are a scam to take people's money. Now, speaking as someone who took out a $50K+ student loan for a master's degree in a field where the average salary is $35K, I can kind of see her point. But before long, Becky will decide that learning is pretty cool, especially when dollar signs and profits are involved.
The girls are whisked to the offices of a company called Creative Scentualization, which was founded by a woman who loved designing her own perfumes and built a million-dollar company out of, I guess, the idea that other people might like to do the same, or ... hell, I'm not gonna look it up.
She gives the inspirational speech that with hard work and a dream, you can do anything. Saaphyri seems unconvinced, and I don't blame her.
The girls get a lesson in cost of goods, profit margins, value pricing, arbitrage, short-selling, commodities futures and how to beat the hedge funds every time. Well, the first couple of things anyway. But based on the blurry-white-board scenes and the general looks of confusion on everyone's face, you'd think Milton Friedman was holding forth in the room.
The math, she hard.
Mikki announces that --
Lord! I really like Mikki, and she seems like a fantastic person, but is there any way she could get her teeth taken in a size or two? They look uncomfortable (and rather intimidating). Anyway, Mikki tells the girls that they'll be designing and selling perfume in teams of three. The three CEOs are ...
Oh, this'll end well.
The CEOs interview their potential employees. Becky tells them about her sales experience, while Shay tells the camera that she plans to snag Becky because she's popular and outgoing and people notice her even before they notice Shay. Shay cannot imagine why this is so.
Courtney regales them with tales of getting fired from McDonald's for giving away food. Hon, as endearing as that story is, you might want to leave it out of your job-interview patter.
Schatar slings her usual schtick, Leilene takes the high road and shakes everyone's hand -- even Larissa's, and Darra talks extensively about her extensive sales experience.
And then the producers' darling Saaphyri delivers some choice nuttiness.
"The king"? Mazatlan? "City slight"?? That's so random, I could almost believe it was genuine!
After the interviews, the CEOs squabble over who gets whom for employees. Shay basically takes her first picks, hands Larissa a pick and Larissa takes another, then Brooke is left looking at Darra and Leilene. Brooke does not want Leilene and makes the mistake of telling the other two CEOs this. Why she thinks they would care, I don't know.
After a typical Shay/Larissa snipefest, the CEOs rejoin their employees and announce their picks. Shay snags Schatar and Becky, Larissa takes Saaphyri and Courtney, and Brooke...
Yes, that's Larissa for you. Honest and forthright -- as long as she can use it as a weapon. Here, she got triple value: she got to upset Brooke, Leilene and Darra, who has never done anything to hurt her. What a gal!
Let me take this moment to share with you the greatest summation I have ever read of Larissa. It's from my online buddy Whatever: "What does Mo see in her? Because I see nothing but hosebeastery and stank." I think that captures the very essence of Larissa's soul.
The teams separate to design their scents and plan their marketing and sales strategies. Schatar admits that their fragrance smells a little like bug spray, and while I'm not sure why they picked the generic name "Icon," I must admit that the Terminix bug is something of an icon, so maybe they can work some crossover promo into that.
Brooke's team has come up with the genius name Flavor of Love, and the equally snappy tagline "What's your flavor?" It's actually really cool to see them doing so well, and encouraging each other.
It's also nice to see how healthy Leilene's gums are. (That said, my inner sap was touched by this moment.)
The girls return home and start planning their promotional poster. Larissa's team's fragrance has been named La'Sa'Cour, which sounds like the Designer Impostors version of a fragrance nobody in their right mind would buy the original of.
I don't want to know the brainstorming process that led to this proposed shot.
I think I can guess at the thoughts behind this one, though. "Sex sells," we are repeatedly told by Brooke's team, and yes, it does, but so do guys on fire, and you don't see that strategy taken up nearly as often. At least the girls look happy.
Shay sees their photo shoot and starts sniping about what a pack of whores they are. I wonder if Shay has seen some of the booby-holding shots on her friend Larissa's MySpace. Or is that different somehow?
The next day, the perfume supplies are delivered, and the girls have just a couple hours to bottle their fragrances and get ready to sell them. When the pipettes they're given don't work too well for Saaphyri, she suggests using a funnel instead (cue the bone being tossed in the air). She takes this opportunity to tell the camera that people might think her stupid because of her accent or the way she dresses (or maybe your hair, dear), but she's actually pretty smart. I'd agree with that, honestly.
The girls head downtown, to Hollywood and Highland, which basically screams "tourist trap." They set up their tables and several things happen.
Larissa's employees disappear.
Becky starts signing autographs and offering "Buckwild" merchandise. (Why can I instantly imagine the above photo taped near a cash register with "Do not accept checks" written underneath it?)
Leilene whips out her cleavage in superhero-like fashion and starts using it as a fleshy test strip for horny dudes looking to drop some cash.
Class-ay! But it works. The sales start ringing up.
Unable to spin a tale about the king of Mazatlan and his City Slights, Saaphyri is reduced to spinning tales about all the proceeds of her team's sales going to breast cancer research.
Courtney is pleasant, but not aggressive, and that's what this challenge calls for. (I'm totally Courtney, by the way. Sales is right up there with possums and geese in terms of terrifying prospects.)
Brooke, however, has no problem being aggressive, as she spits on a customer -- upon his vehement request. Dude, wash that shirt when you get home.
After their sales push ends, the girls go back to the mansion, where Shay and Larissa can't wait to sneer at Brooke and especially Leilene for using their sexuality to make sales.
Okay, in addition to the boob-holding shots, Larissa's MySpace has a link to click on for her "official website." There, once you're greeted by the sight of her oddly boneless face, looking like a Joe Camel plushy with a weave, you can click on her "about me" page and read her bio.
This is one of the greatest examples of non-writing I've ever read. The gist of the bio is this: "Larissa exists. Famous people exist. Therefore, Larissa has something in common with famous people and is sure to join their ranks!" Her biggest brush with fame prior to Flavor of Love was "escorting Shemar Moore." Now, usually that refers to prostitution or acting as someone's beard. But given that it follows a line or two about Larissa's experiences as a seat filler at awards shows, I think it actually refers to her showing Moore to his seat.
Elsewhere, her bio refers to her desire to model and even uses the phrase "the runways of Milan." At 5'4" and with a thick body, the closest she'll ever get to the runways of Milan is if she becomes a baggage handler at an Italian airport -- and given the way they're unionized, even that seems unlikely. Her "aspirations are to become a top actress in movies or commercials," and as much as I dislike Larissa, I would love to see her in a commercial. "Switch to DirectTV, bitch!"
Of course, her bio mentions her faith and the fact that she was brought up Baptist. So I can only imagine how proud her pastor must be of her when he sees her say things like...
Leilene walks away from this blatant baiting, but even that isn't good enough for Our Lady of Hosebeastery and Stank. She and Shay yell upstairs that Brooke and Leilene are cowards for "running away." Larissa is 22 -- is that in base 3, maybe?
The girls gather downstairs to hear the results of their selling marathon. After some dodginess on the percentage of the proceeds going to charity, Larissa's team has a net profit of $165. Shay's team has a profit of $318. And Brooke's team? $463, almost as much as the other two teams combined.
I love that you can see Darra doing the "Praise Jesus!" back-bend here. Shay and Larissa think that the winning team won for all the wrong reasons (of course) and stalk off in a foul mood.
Some time later, Larissa uses the phone to call "[her] man" (who must have either the patience of a saint or a major substance abuse problem). She has just begun talking to him when the line goes dead. Brooke walks by at this point with what Larissa describes as a smirk, so Larissa deduces that Brooke must have unplugged the cord.
(I'd bet Mojo's liver that a production assistant did it.)
A fight, of course, ensues. I'll spare you the details because it's not really about anything other than Larissa having an excuse to vent her rage at having lost. Highlights include:
The curled silk-wrap of fury.
Becky being Over It.
Courtney being Over It. Honestly, how exhausting must it be to have to share bed and board with Larissa?
I hope she brushes and flosses regularly.
As some kind of dramatic gesture, Larissa plugs the phone back in. She and Shay act as if this proves that Brooke had unplugged it, when... oh, hell, the existence of the funnel is news to this crew. I'm not going to go into deductive reasoning.
Like other punks before her, Larissa pays a visit to Mo, hoping to head her elimination off at the pass.
Oh, and look! Suddenly, the bunny-face is back in place! The big eyes, the pouty mouth, the baby voice. It's all rather grotesque. Larissa tells Mo that mean ol' Brooke has been arguing with her. Mo calls Brooke up to hear her side of the story.
Mention is made of Larissa calling Brooke a "white bitch," which technically, she didn't. She referred to Brooke's "white ass" and called her a bitch more times than I can count. But still, Mo doesn't appreciate Larissa "getting racial all up in this piece," as Neil Patrick Harris put it in Undercover Brother.
Mo makes the girls apologize to each other, and neither one believes the other, but it kind of doesn't matter.
Brooke, hon, you should dress to show off your legs, as they are your best feature. But you might want to camoflage the fact that your torso is shaped like a box of cereal. I say this to help you.
Oh, let's just go to elimination. The rules of the challenge dictated that the losing CEOs would automatically be called on the carpet. Given her choice to call an employee, Larissa goes the nepotism route and calls Courtney, sparing Saaphyri.
Mo tells Shay that she's only there because the rules require it and isn't in any real danger. (Dang!) She then goes on some weird tangent about how Courtney just gets along to go along (most of us call it "keeping your job," Mo) and that she's just riding the fence. Mo gives Larissa a speech about how her gut tells her to cut Larissa, but her heart tells her to keep Larissa.
Courtney can see where this is going. Mo asks for her pledge pin back, but in return, Courtney gets an unexpected parting gift.
Holy SRO, that's one hell of a consolation prize! Honestly, if Mo is serious about this (and I hope she is) and Courtney takes every possible chance to learn about writing and performing stand-up (which I hope she will), this gift could wind up being worth a hell of a lot more than $50K -- and tax-free, too! Good for you, Courtney!
After making a crack about how awful the perfumes smelled, Mo says goodnight. I can't help but wonder how something called La'Sa'Cour would smell. (Note to J: this is not a plea for a birthday gift!!)
Next week, the girls do something with thrift store clothes, and an argument takes us back to that magical, mystical crossroads: 54th and Crenshaw.
Catherine - You're absolutely right about this turning into a free for all. It's still fun to watch (who doesn't love a hot mess?), but I wish the challenges would actually teach these women something useful. For one thing, shouldn't "Charm School" teach the women not to swear so much? I'm just sayin' ... (mutha, mutha, mutha!)
Posted by: Kim | May 17, 2007 at 10:31 AM
"Praise Jesus" back bend,LOL. I love that... maybe because I do it myself consciously and subconsciously. Sometimes it's all you muster,lol.
Posted by: Jeanine | May 18, 2007 at 09:29 AM
Kim: I totally agree; I think you could probably raise $50K just by having a "swear jar" on set.
Posted by: Catherine Cantieri | May 18, 2007 at 09:50 AM
Cool idea ... how "Hot Fuzz" of you! One more thing, to further support your examples of what a hypocrite Larissa is about Leilene's perceived lack of morals, I give you two of "Bootz's" most famous quotes:
"If I was a ho, I'd be a top dollar ho."
and
"He told me to entertain them. Nothing's more entertaining than my booty dance.
Grrrr ... arrrrgggh.
Posted by: Kim | May 18, 2007 at 03:39 PM
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