Once again, I find myself wondering, when it comes to Charm School, is this show brain-damaged or just plain bullshit? Or could it be both? Could the show suffer from a kind of mission-statement schizophrenia, as it attempts to help these women a bit as long as it doesn't get in the way of exploiting and humiliating them? Or, you know, just exploit and humiliate them completely, start to finish, while not offering any help at all. Ah, hell, I don't know. I'm just going to soldier through this recap as best I can, trying not to think too much about what this show says about personal development, philanthropy or society in general. Okay?
Okay!
Right off the bat, Mo tells us that the day's lesson will focus on the seventh commandment of Charm School:
All right, this murdelyzing of King James English is getting to me. Dammit, folks, the "-eth" was supposed to indicate the present tense of the verb. "Shalt" indicates the imperative voice of the future tense. You can't combine them -- scotch, scotch, scotch, sweet sipping scotch, take me away from this futile concern over antiquarian grammar.
Ahhhh. Smooooth. Moving on. The lesson will, clearly, deal with giving back to the community, whether it's the immediate community or the larger community of humankind.
Brooke instantly imagines that they'll be picking up garbage by the side of the road with prisoners. Somebody got a bum community-service assignment at some point.
She need not worry, for Mo declares that the challenge will be for the girls to pair up and literally donate the clothes off their backs to a charity thrift store. The store will price the girls' donations, and the team that donates the largest dollar amount of diggity will be safe from elimination.
Shay figures she and Larissa have this one in the bag because they have much nicer stuff than the rest of the girls. (When Larissa asks, "Who's my partner?" Shay immediately responds, "I am, dummy!" I honestly can't figure out which one of them is Fred and which one is Lamont.)
Schatar figures she has this one in the bag because of all the "couture" items she has. This is a frequently abused quote, but I really think it applies here: she keep using that word. I do not think it means what she thinks it means. In fact, thanks to Project Runway, I know it doesn't. "Couture" is actually regulated by the French government; much like bubbly that doesn't come from the Champagne region of France has to be called "sparkling wine," gowns that aren't handmade by a licensed French couture house cannot be called "couture." What they're actually called in Schatar's case will remain to be seen.
Saaphyri figures she most definitely does not have this one in the bag because she has very little stuff. As we learned in the first episode, she comes from a rather dire financial background (in addition to coming from 54th and Crenshaw). So she's rather distraught over the challenge, which Mikki tries to set at ease.
You know what? I'm going to quit making cracks about her teeth. Mikki is a beautiful woman, full stop. And I got a little misty seeing Becky try to cheer Saaphyri up, and Saaphyri let her do so. Hmmm. Maybe I've been sipping too much scotch.
Back in the world of goofiness I've come to expect from this show, Brooke is mystified (and maybe a little unnerved) by her teammate Leilene's maximum-exposure wardrobe. She's not the only one, as we discover when the girls hit the thrift store.
Damn! Keith actually said "skank"! But considering what these two are trying to sell, I can't say as I blame him.
I cannot suppress a shudder at the concept of buying a used bra.
Let alone a used beaded thong! Sweet simplex II, what is wrong with these two?!
I know: ew!
Just as things are looking dire, Leilene says she'd like to add her deceased mother's rings to the kitty. Brooke is totally against this idea, but Leilene says she's okay with it. And I feel her on this one. I've donated of a lot of my father's stuff; I know his memory isn't embedded in things but nestled in my heart, and I figure he'd want his possessions to be used and enjoyed by other folks, 'cause that's how he lived.
After a little -- oh, for God's sake, VH1, make a damn commercial rather than blocking the whole frame! Ahem. After a little bit of haggling, they get $90 for the rings. Leilene's happy with her decision and Brooke supports her. It's a nice bit of sweetness. And then, as if to counteract it...
Did Larissa just bust on somebody else for having a stank attitude? (Oh, of course she did; self-awareness is as anathema to Larissa as rational discourse.) I did kinda crack up, though, at the sight of Shay explaining the high-end jeans market to guys who work at a charity shop, then snapping at them for not listening to her. Keep making friends, there, princess.
And speaking of royalty...
Yes, apparently the word Schatar has been looking for isn't "couture" but "ordure." And you've got to love her rationalizations: "It's got a stain." "Only on the interior!" Dude, that doesn't make it better!
Similarly, you've got to love Keith's response to Darra haggling hard with the pricing dude. Let's see that again.
Yeah, that's not generosity he's smelling.
But the scent of desperation enters the air as Becky and Saaphyri bring their stuff to be priced. Saaphyri doesn't take it too well when some of her items are rejected, and takes it even worse when the items that are accepted are given low values.
She has the self-awareness to admit to the camera that she feels like her own worth is what's being devalued, but standing at the counter, her shame gets the better of her and she gets angry and tearful at the pricing dude, thinking he's sneering at her. (It occurs to me that he might have seen this happen before when people try to sell stuff, and besides, he's just doing his job. I don't think he was being disrespectful to her, just casual.)
When her $200 Uggs are valued at $15, she loses it. She yells that she spent her rent money on those boots, which surprises me. I've always thought of that phrase as a cliche, a bit of hyperbole to indicate less-than-great financial choices, and maybe that's how she means it here, but if she's being serious? Dude, that's rent! You don't spend that! You can always find other shoes to make your feet sweat and your legs look stumpy, but you've got to live somewhere! Damn, I hope she was exaggerating. Maybe she just meant they cost as much as her rent at the time.
Saaphyri has a full-on tantrum, flinging stuff around the counter, then flouncing off to a corner, where she sobs to herself for a while. Keith asks Becky if she wants to go to Saaphyri, but Becky (quite wisely, in my opinion) opts to give Saaphyri a little space.
After she calms down, Saaphyri finds some inspiration in the word "team" and goes back to rejoin Becky.
But not before soiling what I think might be a tablecloth. (My mom would like to remind everyone that that's why you always carry a tissue in your purse.)
She returns to the counter and starts offering stuff to the pricing dude, eventually bringing herself to part with...
... the Uggs (never was a shoe more aptly named) for $20. Of course, I'm clearly off-base in my disdain for these boots, since they're immediately snapped up by a savvy middle-aged shopper who was in no way prompted or influenced by the show's producers.
Back at the mansion, Darra makes the mistake of attempting to be kind to a still-raw Saaphyri. She offers Saaphyri some of her stuff, figuring that at least the tops could fit her. Needing to lash out at someone, Saaphyri takes aim at Darra and fires.
And with that last line, I lose all patience with her. I could understand her feeling defensive about not having much stuff, but as soon as she took it into "fat-ass" territory, she lost me completely. It occurs to me that this is far from the first time Saaphyri has hated on Darra for being big, and while I wonder what's going on with that, my curiosity in no way precludes me from offering Saaphyri a piping hot mug of Shut The Fuck Up.
Mo calls the girls downstairs to announce the day's receipts. Schatar and Darra were dead last with $641. Becky and Saaphyri didn't do too badly.
Brooke and Leilene didn't do as well as Becky and Saaphyri did, netting only $823, and Shay and Larissa brought in $871. (A whopping $3 more than Becky and Saaphyri.) Oh, but wait! That $823 was before Leilene sold her mother's rings! So their team made $913 and won!
HA-ha!
Good for you, Leilene. The winning team and the team of their choosing win a shopping spree at Forever 21. Which means that Leilene can at least get a better class of hoochie-wear to replace her mysterious garments.
Having once again lost to Leilene, Larissa pulls out the "she's a whore" crap again, saying that Leilene probably blew the pricing dude. Nice. For starters, I really don't think Leilene's in that guy's target market. (Well, not the little one. The long-haired one, maybe.) And also, Saaphyri, please pass Larissa your mug of Shut The Fuck Up; she needs a couple swigs.
The next day, Brooke and Leilene say that since Schatar congratulated them on winning, they'll be taking her and Darra to Forever 21. On the one hand, I think it would have been nice of them to take Saaphyri. On the other hand, you saw what happened the last time anybody tried to do something nice for her.
And as if to prove my doubts correct, Saaphyri gripes to the camera about not being chosen and that Darra was a stupid choice because nothing in Forever 21 "will fit her fat ass." Clearly Saaphyri needs that Shut The Fuck Up back. Seriously, what the hell is up with her obsession over the fact that Darra isn't thin? It's bizarre.
While Brooke, Leilene, Schatar and Darra are unleashed upon Forever 21 in a bacchanal of sleazy clothing, Shay and Larissa are left idle. And you know what they say about idle hands (or, in this case, idle hateful skanks). They come up with a plan to steal Leilene's picture of her mom and kids and put it under Schatar's bed, figuring that it will get Schatar ousted.
I'm almost embarrassed for them to do something this petty and juvenile. But not quite.
While Shay and Larissa are fomenting hate, Saaphyri goes to Mo to tell her about all the stuff the previous day's challenge has stirred up. She talks about how she lost everything after her father died and so she's really protective of her stuff. She says that--
I'm sorry, I was distracted by how fantastic Mo looks! That schoolmarm look with the high bangs and the sculpted curls is doing her no favors; she should rock this sleek look all the time.
Where were we? Oh, yeah, Saaphyri was talking about her shame over having so little and how Darra's offer made her feel like a charity case, which she hated. And I totally sympathize with all of that, but it in no way excuses the comments about Darra's size, and I can't help but notice that we never see Saaphyri apologize to Darra. We see her explain herself to Mo and the cameras, but I don't think she made any kind of atonement to the person she snarled at.
The shopping spree squad returns home, and before too long Leilene notices that her official show picture and the picture of her mom and kids are both missing.
She asks everyone if they've seen the pictures, but nobody has. (Larissa and Shay are, of course, lying, and giggling to themselves about it.) After some searching, Larissa gets impatient and leads Leilene to the underside of Schatar's mattress, where the pictures are. Leilene, bless her dim trusting heart, finds nothing suspicious about this.
Leilene asks Schatar what the hell's up with that, and Schatar insists that she has no idea how the pictures got there.
This is the problem with being "poised and charming" all the time: it comes off as seriously fake. Like right now. Even though it isn't. Ironic, eh?
Schatar wonders how the pictures got there and asks Leilene if anybody led her to them. Leilene says someone did, but she's not going to name names. And here I wonder if maybe Leilene sees a chance to get rid of Schatar before Larissa. I can't tell if Leilene is that much of a cold-hearted strategist or not.
Larissa is, of course, that much of a cold-hearted strategist, and suggests to Schatar that Leilene hid the pictures herself. Mind you, I don't think it would ever occur to Leilene to do that, but it would totally occur to Schatar, so she believes it.
The girls take their story to Mo, who does something really weird. She says that there's no way to know who hid the pictures. Mo, hon, yes there is. It's called a camera crew and you conveniently have them all over the house.
Why do you hate me, VH1?
Back at the mansion, the girls gather for elimination. Since Brooke and Leilene won, and Saaphyri and Becky made a heroic effort, the other two teams are called to the carpet. Keith is allowed to open the prosecution's case.
Busted! Thank you, Keith. Stop calling it couture, Schatar; you're not fooling anybody. (Except, I guess, Darra.)
Keith also nails Shay and Larissa for being miserly and mercenary. Mikki bemoans the fact that none of them seemed to understand the meaning of generosity.
Mo brings up The Great Picture Robbery, and asks all the girls, including Leilene, if they had anything to do with it.
I'm amused that Schatar's hands are pointing in the directions her nipples often seem to point (only higher than her nipples often do).
When asked, Larissa looks Mo right in the eye and lies to her. When it's her turn, Shay rolls her eyes as if to say "Can you believe this lying heifer next to me?" and then -- well, technically, she doesn't lie, since she didn't actually take the pictures, but she doesn't tell the whole truth either.
Mo once again says that they don't know who did it. Yes, if only you had PEOPLE FOLLOWING THE GIRLS AROUND AND RECORDING THEIR ACTIVITIES FOR LATER VIEWING. Sorry. But this fiction that there's no empirical record is just chafing my brain.
So Mo, bereft of any conclusive evidence (gaaah!), must "go on history." And since Schatar swiped Heather's dresses earlier in the season, there's no reason (save a bunch of video) not to believe she's done it again. Schatar and Darra are expelled.
Darra mourns the fact that she hadn't had a chance to make the mistakes she was going to make and learn from them and ... huh? I kinda like Darra, but she's not the coherent speaker I think she thinks she is.
Realizing that they got away with it, Shay and Larissa practically take out a billboard to announce their surprise and delight. Then Mo calls Leilene down to the carpet.
Aw, she's gotten her mom's rings back!
Awwww!
Awww-whoa.
Mo tells Saaphyri she's working on getting the Uggs back, and this brings a smile to Saaphyri's face. She'll need that smile because next week, the girls are visited by...
... the world's worst Donna Summer impersonator! No, it's New York. Maybe Larissa will accidentally spit on her and it'll be On.
And the Epic Saga of the Dang Pictures continues, as skank turns against skank. I just want you to experience all the stank contained in this short clip.
This should be good. And by good, I mean brain-damaged and just plain bullshit.
I'm so disappointed that Shay and Larissa got away with their lameass scheme. I guess Schatar had it coming, but I really thought Darra was a contender to win, or at least be part of the final 3 - she's good people and didn't deserve to be dragged down with The Little Mermaid. Should be fun to see NY go up against Brooke AND Becky (and hopefully, as you say, this will be the rope that will finally hang Larissa) next week, though! Do you think they're setting this up for Saaphyri to win? I can't believe she's managed to hang in this long. She did some impressive stuff in the first few episodes, but like you, she's losing me with her bad attitude mixed with periods of self pity. It's hard to feel sorry for someone who says they're poor, but has $800 hair, honey.
Posted by: Kim | May 24, 2007 at 02:24 PM
Personally, I think Leilene is getting the winner's edit. We haven't seen her say one unpleasant thing about anybody, whereas Saaphyri can approach Shayrissa levels of hate sometimes. I'd be okay with a Leilene win. I will, however, set something on fire if Larissa wins.
Posted by: Catherine Cantieri | May 24, 2007 at 05:22 PM
I actually teared up a bit during this episode. The Saaphyri stuff at the store was a bit heart wrenching, although, like you, she lost me with the fat stuff on Darra. I did understand a bit of where it was coming from, but still....
I'm liking Leilene more and more, and Becky also. I loved Becky during that challenge and how she was so supportive of Saaphyri - it did my cynical heart some good.
Posted by: Mindi | May 24, 2007 at 07:00 PM
I don't want to hurt anybody opinion or like for this show, but how can you watch something like this? is like to watch jersey shore, what is the big deal with see a TV show that the only thing that protagonist can make, is be a pack of drunks, and boastful, totally ilogical.
Posted by: 4rx | December 12, 2011 at 12:57 PM