1-7 & 8: Straight shots, glamour shots and cheap shots

We're already down to the final four! Who knew that a competitive hairdressing show could be so enchanting?

Just takes your breath away, doesn't it?

As shown in the preview earlier this week, the ShortCut challenge is to straighten African-American hair. The term is kind of a misnomer; not only does the hair type appear around the world, there's a huge variety within that type.

For instance, Anthony's model has spiral-curly hair; Ben's model has a bit more of a frizz going; Daisy's model's hair is almost like mine in its mere waviness and Boogie describes his model's hair as "steel wool." Anthony chooses to blow-dry because his model has just colored her hair, while Ben goes with the blow because he's opposed to using harsh chemicals on hair.

Guest judge Kiyah Wright, an expert in styling Af-Am hair, notes that Dr. Boogie is the only one going the relaxer route. Honestly, if I had to pick one of the finalists to relax my hair, I'd probably go with Boogie, although the casual way he slings the lye into the bowl does make me a little nervous.

But not as nervous as the way Ben slings the product into his model's hair. Admittedly, I'd heard that Af-Am hair tends to be on the dry side, but Ben is emulsifying like there's no tomorrow. He admits to the camera that he has no idea what he was thinking, as the stylists around him are rather amusingly grossed out by his model's now-greasy hair.

At the judging, Anthony has done a beautiful job, as has Daisy (although I don't think she had as big of a challenge). Boogie has done some strange style to make his model look like Janet Jackson on the cover of the Dream Street album, while Ben's model looks like the straightened version of the "Soul Glo" hair from Coming to America. Anthony, of course, wins.

Jaclyn Smith tells the stylists that they have one more stop to make before their day is over. That stop turns out to be at photographer Matthew Rolston's studio, where they're met by Rene, who is practically sexually harassing his jeans. (Trust me, it's much more... unavoidable on a 65-inch screen.)

The stylists will be working a photo shoot with Rolston the next day -- four photo shoots, in fact, each one with a different style of hair. The options are Sex Kitten (wet hair), Star Diva (lighter-than-air hair), Retro Glamour Girl (horizontal hair) and Rebel Rocker (vertical hair). Okay, maybe two of those make sense to me. I always thought of sex kittens as having big, poufy, just-been-stupped hair rather than wet hair. And what the hell does horizontal hair even mean?

Anthony gets his first pick of styles and goes with Retro Glamour Girl, so I guess he knows what horizontal hair means. He is also allowed to assign the other styles to the other stylists. In a display of the loveliness I've come to expect from Anthony, he gives everyone a style he thinks is best suited to them: Sex Kitten for Daisy, Rebel Rocker for Ben and, as "there's only one star here, and it's Dr. Boogie," Star Diva for the good doctor.

When they finally get back to the loft, the stylists see a giftwrapped package. They agree to open it all at once (I'm such a sucker for this sort of thing!) and find color-coded DVDs inside. They play them, and behold ... filmed greetings from family and friends!

Boogie is given a message of inspirational cheer from his son, DJ. I'm kind of surprised that Dr. Boogie has a kid; he doesn't strike me as the parental type. But he's probably (hopefully?) a completely different guy at home when the cameras aren't rolling. He tears up and says DJ is "the best son." Awwwww.

Daisy gets a message from her girlfriend and is filled with calm and happiness. No tears for Daisy, just a radiant smile. Awwwww. Anthony is greeted by the stylists from his salon; I'm sure they're his friends as well as his employees. He looks so proud. Awwwww.

Then, Ben's girlfriend comes onscreen, and Ben has the most incredible reaction. He cries, laughs and bites his fist all at the same time. You can feel all the emotion crackling through him, and it's rather beautiful to watch. Ben's girlfriend, sister, mom and grandmother wish him well and say they miss him. Awwwww.

I am not sniffling! I just got some cat hair up my nose!

The next day, they meet at Rolston's studio and are assigned their models. They have three hours to complete their looks, but that time has to be shared with the shoot stylist, makeup artist and manicurist. They, as instructed, go shake it.

Apparently, "horizontal hair" means hair fanning out around you as you recline on a pillow. Ah. I thought it meant hair perpendicular to the hair-owner's body, which would just look like refried ass. Anthony starts out arranging his model's hair as she lies prone. Rolston makes a point of saying that he wants a wave coming straight off the hairline, so you can tell that the hairline will be an issue down the road.

Daisy does some weird thing where she twirls her model's hair on a thingy to section it or... something. Hell, I don't know. Boogie sews a lot of hair onto his model's hair -- hey, isn't his model whatshername from the first season of Project Runway? The one Austin used a lot? I'll remember her name about 10 minutes after I post this, but I'll be too sleepy to change it.

Ben is kinda lost. He plays around with a few different looks for his model but freely admits that he futzed around for a good 2 hours. Ouch. I fear that this does not bode well for our tattooed ninja.

As it turns out, all the judges are present for the photo shoot: Jaclyn, Sally, Michael, and Rene all watch the photos as they pop up on the viewer. That's gotta be unnerving.

And sure enough, when Rolston has a problem with Anthony's model's hairline -- not the wave coming off of it, but the fact that different colored roots were visible, Anthony gets nervous indeed. I feel like this was a little unfair to Anthony. Not only were there no hair-coloring facilities at the shoot, Rolston hadn't mentioned the root color issue, and besides, it's much easier to tone-correct some dodgy roots in Photoshop than it is to make a single extension draped across a model's head look non-assy. Anthony spends a lot of time trying to meet Rolston's shifting demands about the model's roots and finally his shoot is over.

Daisy is up next, with a wet look. I really don't get this whole shoot, start to finish. All I can think is, "That poor model; she must be freezing. No wonder she's got a slight case of bitchface." If I were in that model's place, getting sprayed down with the same piece of equipment used to wash cars, I wouldn't be radiating sexuality, I'd be radiating raw fury. This is but one of the thousands of reasons that I am not a model. Daisy seems to do a great job, impressing the judges and Rolston.

Rolston isn't impressed with Ben's hair at first. He gives Ben a few pointers, and then Ben sprays his model's hair as if it is going to be used as a bladed weapon. Ultimately, Rolston is happy with the shot and Ben is tremendously relieved.

And then... Boogie. On the one hand, I think he's trying to be helpful and professional, announcing "stepping in" before he enters the frame. On the other hand, when he does it every couple minutes, it ceases being helpful. Also, he and Rolston seem to be at cross-purposes for what the hair is supposed to look like. Rolston seems to prefer it in back of the model's shoulders, while Boogie keeps pulling it forward. Boogie's intrusiveness is getting on everyone's nerves, but he really seals his fate when he adds a couple more extensions to the model's head in mid-shoot. I don't know how poor whatshername is holding her head upright at this point with all the weave on it.

At the judging, Daisy and Ben are in the top two, with Daisy winning and Ben going on to the finale. Boogie and Anthony are in the bottom two, and between the diva attitude and weave overkill, Boogie is sent home. I guess Ben did find his inner greatness after all, but Boogie failed to locate his inner mute button.

Boogie gives a goodbye speech that seems sincere but threatens to verge into the incoherent, and I think everybody (even Boogie) is relieved when he sums it up with a succinct "Peace out." Rock on with your bad self, Boogie. You were some good TV.

Immediately after this episode, the cast reunion aired. I'm not going to give it a separate write-up; I'm just going to give you the highlights:

- Tabatha got the fan favorite prize (and on her birthday, no less) and doesn't regret saying or doing one single thing.

- Tyson now looks like Neil Patrick Harris crossed with a Munchkin.

- Sally Herschberger now looks like a depressed public school administrator (seriously, that shag was profoundly deflated) and thinks Tyson's new hair makes him look "12 years younger." Meaning it makes him look 12.

- Evangelin actually gave herself and one client a cut with the shears. She's still not quite right, I don't think.

- Anthony made one crack about people who want a garden-shear cut being not quite right, and Boogie snarled at him for not being so nice anymore. I don't know what that's about.

- There was a lot of talk about Anthony and Boogie's orientations. Anthony says only that he's single and available. I'm going to interpret that as bi. Boogie makes some strange comment about giving Rene a beer and getting him home from the beach and... I think Boogie talks without thinking an awful lot.

- Rene was one of the Fab Five in the Danish version of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. (Do they even have schlubs in Denmark? Eh, maybe in Christiania.) He's also quite adorable when he flubs his English lines, sounding a bit like a Nordic Elmer Fudd.

- Jaclyn Smith is utterly delightful, and never more so than when she gets a case of the giggles trying to get through her lines at the mall challenge. This is her first reality TV gig, and I'd love to see her host more seasons of Shear Genius.

- The dude from Bravo seemed determined to elicit some cattiness from the contestants, and Boogie obliged him a couple times. What gave me some nasty flashbacks to the Lord of the Flies mess that Top Chef turned into was when several stylists said that Tyson brought Tabatha's hate on himself and they all kinda disliked him. I'm just not into the "forced drama" business. I'm probably in the minority on that one.

Unfortunately, my TiFaux cut off before everybody could say who they thought would win. Something tells me the votes were split evenly between Daisy and Anthony, with Evangelin picking Ben just to be wacky. I guess we'll find out next week.

Comments

[StinkyLulu]

Though Evangelin was contrary-ish, NO ONE picked Ben...

I too love Jaclyn.
Always have, and -- based on this -- always will.

[Marius]

Yep, the model's name is Martinique.

[BronzeMan]

Hehe,

Love the summary, especially since I am overseas and can't get to see these episodes anymore. Very funny. I agree with you about the forced drama bit; it's really annoying. You should check out Celebrity Fit Club and how they've tried to scapegoat Dustin Diamond in the same way. I guess Lord of the Flies did describe some dark pit of human nature; people are drawn to sheer cruelty like Tabitha's.

John

[esoterica]

SO glad Boogie's gone! He was the Screech of the show.

[Steelers jerseys]

I say Hope because I know it's highly unlikely. When you get a chance let's have a beer, it's been too long.

[green drink]

Fantastic group. I vote for this people.