I think I understand one of the reasons Tyra chose Australia as the destination for this cycle: these girls are having a hard enough time walking, chatting, showing up on time and deciphering TyraMail in English. If they had to do any of it in Italian, Japanese, French or Thai, they'd be reduced to four ectomorphic blobs of quivering flesh. (I say four rather than five because I'm pretty sure Natasha would charm her way through.)
As it is, watching them bumble through their appointed rounds is no day at the beach.
The TyraMail in question mentions Mars and Venus and asks the girls if they can rock both planets. You'd think they had suddenly entered the DaVinci Code or something, the way they mutter to themselves, "Can you rock both planets?" trying desperately to figure out what the hell Tyra means. The great thing is that I'm positive at least one of them was thinking, "... but we've already done cross-dressing!"
Turns out the challenge is to shoot a beach shot with a dude for a primarily female audience and then for a male audience. Class and ass, in other words. Since the only pictures we have from this episode are from the photo shoot, I'll have to break up the narrative a bit. Hope that don't put too much sand in your bikini.
Like I said last week, Renee is getting the redemption edit. We don't really see her do anything terribly impressive this week, but she turns out a couple of very good pictures and doesn't seem to actively alienate anybody at the go-sees -- which means she's doing better with them than she has with her rooomates, so... yay?
Like I said, her photos are pretty damn good for once. Renee tells us that she can definitely get her sexy on, which might explain why this is the first shot of her looking at the camera where her face is beckoning rather than challenging loudly with a slight whiff of Schlitz. To be honest, I just don't want Renee to win, for some reason.
Jaslene knocks the socks off of the folks at her go-sees, what with her signature walk and visible vertebrae. They all say they'd book her for a show, so Jaslene wins her first challenge and gets her picture taken by Nigel Barker atop the Harbor Bridge in Sydney. She looks pretty damn fierce in that shot, too.
Here's the weird thing: I get a definite sense of fierceness from Jaslene's photos, but I'm not sure I buy her in a sexual context. That could be my own straight-girl biases talking there, but there's something in her energy that seems defensive rather than inviting. The fact that her hair is hiding half her face here doesn't help, either. Still, I think she's a lock for the final 3.
Jaslene picked Dionne to accompany her in the Harbor Bridge shoot, but their photos together just seem to underscore how much more Jaslene understands about working with the camera than Dionne does. Between her obvious awareness of the camera in this shot and the "mean face" she displayed in her men's magazine shots, I'd say Dionne needs a lot of mirror work, and it's really late in the game to need it this badly.
I was astonished that nobody at panel brought up Dionne's shameless clothes-grubbing on her go-sees. The first time, it seemed to be a joke: "Oh, this [bikini] is cute; can I keep it?" But when told that she could keep it, Dionne asked everywhere she went, oblivious to the squirming it brought out in many of the designers. I kept getting the image of Dionne and her mother watching this episode at home, her mom glaring at her from her scooter as if to say, "I raised you better than that." I don't have a lot of hope for Dionne lasting through the next elimination. But with just a little more mirror work and a little more social decorum, she could have a fantastic post-ANTM career. Or just be the world's hottest dentist.
The bottom two this week were Dionne and Brittany, and by that point the eliminated contestant couldn't be clearer if Brittany had a big red bullseye painted on her forehead. She got the "wump-wump-wuh-wuuuuuuh" music as she bumbled through her go-sees, managing to screw up locating the address, chatting up the client, walking (!!) and returning to the meeting place afterward. None of the designers said they'd book her for a show, and I really don't blame them. While she photographs well, Brittany is incredibly unimpressive in person, and I've seen better walks on drunken pelicans.
What really put the nail in her coffin, though, was her Godzilla-level hissyfit when she came back to the meeting place late. (She blamed her cabdriver, but the video the editors magnificently replayed showed that he was not actually at fault.) The screaming, the profanity, the slamming around -- and all well within earshot of the Australian model manager who was their host for that challenge. Well done, Brit. I did love it, though, when Tyra said Brittany had the kind of looks that men might not understand why she'd be a model. In other words, Tyra called you homely in person, Brittany. Time to go home.
I hope Natasha won't be going home any time soon (oh, but y'all knew that). Although I don't think she impressed too many people at her go-sees (whatever she does to her hair is just diabolical), she took her disqualification for being a minute late with a fair amount of equanimity -- especially compared to Brittany. And she tried to throw a little perspective Brittany's way, commenting, "You know, some people have wars in their countries..." And some people have to offer their youth and beauty to a fortyish businessman to get out of a life of poverty in Russia. When Brittany got sent home, I thought of Rich at fourfour's virtual Natasha impersonation and thought, "Will not miss."
There she is, working it like she's longed to work it since that misbegotten "teacher's pet" shoot. Gorgeous. Apparently, next week, she gets sick and Renee tries to get Dionne and Jaslene to turn on Natasha. I don't think Renee realizes that this isn't Survivor. I also don't think she realizes that I will come through the TV and throttle her if she messes with my dear Natasha. Of course, I can't, but Renee can't figure out a damn TyraMail -- or even figure out that there's no point in trying to figure it out -- so you can use the same threats you use on a toddler with Renee. (What, like everybody doesn't threaten toddlers?)
And speaking of which... Tyra, let me never hear you say, "Mommy, I made pee-pee" again. I shouldn't even have heard it the first time, let alone the second (!). Besides, it was the bottoms of the legs your jeans that were wet. If you're gonna make an infantile urination joke, get the basics right!
Who controls the past controls the future; who controls the present controls the past.
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Our environment, the world in which we live and work, is a mirror of our attitudes and expectatio.
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