8-11: Aboriginal sin

This episode of ANTM had pretty much everything you've come to expect as the season lurches into the homestretch. Indigenous cultures turned into cheesy challenges, strange photoshoots, someone getting sick, someone getting backstabby and someone getting cut.

Oh, the knives are out, all right.

One of the many phrases I'd love to steal from Rich at fourfour is "continued commitment to weirdness," because it perfectly describes Natasha in this episode. She starts it weird by having a rather squicky "ooh baby" phone conversation with her husband and -- hands! Hands, Natasha! Where are your hands?! Oh, I don't want to know. All the other girls giggle and roll their eyes at this.

The first challenge of the episode involves tromping through the cold of the Australian rain forest to meet with an Aboriginal tribe and learn about their storytelling traditions that involve dance. I have no idea what this has to do with modeling, but Renee sets me straight with an explanation that modeling is telling a story. (A story that usually involves a lot of sex and cocaine, but a story nonetheless.) The fact that Renee has apparently been designated the spokesmodel for the ANTM thought process makes my blood run cold.

The girls are to change into costumes of thin dresses and body paint and tell their stories using the techniques of movement, painted symbols and plain ol' speech. It occurs to me that none of them are terribly good at all three categories. They'll be judged by somebody from Seventeen magazine.

Renee leads off with a story of surviving abuse and being happy with her mom and four sisters, told very well with gestures and symbolic slashes of red. Hmmmm. I'm surprised that Renee makes no mention of her son -- the only time thus far that she has refrained from mentioning him. At the risk of sounding cynical and callous ("Too late!" yell my seven readers), I'm not entirely sure I believe the abuse story. It just sounds really vague and kinda aimed at the sympathy vote. But I could, as always, be wrong.

Jaslene's story is similar, if even more vague, but she doesn't move at all when she tells it. It's like that episode of The Brady Bunch where Cindy totally freezes up seeing the red light on the camera. Dionne doesn't use much movement, either, but points to the various circles she's painted on herself that stand for people. Oddly, they don't stand for groups of people, but individuals in little circles near each other. No man is an island, but Dionne's family is apparently a small archipelago.

Then, demonstrating her continued commitment to weirdness, Natasha tells her story. She uses movement and props really well, but she whispers the story. She tells us that this is intended to make the group have to listen to her, but it backfires; nobody can hear a word she's saying. Renee smirks at this and rolls her eyes. Renee is, of course, the winner of the challenge, having been the only one to meet the minimum requirements. She and a friend (Jaslene) are awarded pearl jewelry as a prize. Cool, now Renee will have something to pawn since she missed out on the charm-bracelet prize that she yearned to hock.

Natasha is feeling ill, and takes to her bed, while the other three go out on the town. Before leaving, Renee gives Natasha a hug and tells her to feel better. Once out of the house, though, Renee tells Dionne to step up her photos so Natasha can go home, and then gripes about how fake Natasha supposedly is. The woman you were just hugging, Renee? Yeah, you're qualified to judge fakeness.

That's all I'm saying.

The girls then dish on how odd they find Natasha's marriage. Well, they don't actually talk about the marriage itself; they talk about the fact that she doesn't wear a ring, that they don't know her husband's name, that she doesn't show many pictures of her daughter. In other words, that she doesn't promote her family every chance she gets like Renee does. Renee thinks there's something weird about Natasha's marriage and husband. But then, maybe she doesn't trust married men who don't sleep on beaches as she says her own hubby does. Yeah, I'm hissing and scratching on the furniture a bit myself, but the hypocrisy on display here truly astounds me.

The next day, it's back to the rainforest and into the Aboriginal gear. Dionne hopes they won't have to dance again. (They will, but just barely.) You ever notice how grudging Dionne is about doing anything the show requires? I keep waiting to hear her say, "Then they made us stand in front of a camera and took pictures of us and I'm like, what?"

Maybe Dionne's reluctance stems from her persistent difficulties in posing. Jay Manuel talks her through the whole "smile with your eyes" concept, and eventually gets a soft-ish face out of her.

I didn't say it was a particularly good face, just a softish one. And I don't know what the hell is up with that sepia-tone business. (Actually, it's beyond sepia; it's like the pictures are taken through a urine-colored gel.) The body position is really good in this shot, but that face is just a lost cause.

Jaslene does pretty well, but damn, her face is looking harsh. I feel like I'm looking at Pete Burns circa 1993 or maybe Alexis Arquette when she was more firmly in the "he" camp.

Renee looks good in this picture, but there's something a little "White Goddess" about the composition. (That's not Renee's fault, of course, but it's still a bit creepy.)

 

Oof. This is ... this is just awful. Throughout the day, Natasha felt like hell. I kept waiting for her to push through it and turn out an incredible photo, but she just couldn't make her body and face obey. I kinda wonder if she had the flu or something that made her dizzy. (In 1995, I had a flu so strong, I hallucinated. Only then did it occur to me that the flu had killed a lot of people in that very century. Don't fuck with the flu, y'all.)

And yet, she looks incredible in this shot, where she doesn't have to pose or think about the dance she's supposed to learn. She just looks up at the camera, and something gorgeous happens. That's got to count for something, right?

"I think I did great today," Natasha tells the camera, in defiance of her own apparent health, the dispirited Jay Manuel, the sad head-shaking of the guy who did their hair, etc. I am in awe of her determined confidence, her insistence that she is wonderful and beautiful and the biggest badass on the block. How do you get that quality? I seem to have its inverse, and I'd like to trade up.

When they get back to the house, there's a TyraMail waiting for them with its standard "you'll meet with the judges and one of you will go home" pre-elimination text. Natasha asks the girls what they think will happen. "We'll meet with the judges," says one of the coven. "And one of us will go home," says another and I just want to kick them in the shins. That wouldn't have happened if Jael were still in the house.

After a really weird series of shots featuring Tyra and a boomerang, we hit the panel. Tyra takes the girls through their shots, and then asks each one which girl they think has the most potential. Every girl picks herself except Dionne, but I think Tyra actually asked her which of the other girls she thought had the most potential. When asked who has the least potential, Renee, Dionne and Jaslene all pick Natasha.

 

When Tyra asks Natasha why she thinks she has the most potential, she does the unthinkable: she gives a logical answer that relates to the world of modeling and not to how much she wants to win this silly show. She says that Eastern European models are really hot right now, so she'd be in demand right off the bat. Score!

Tyra asks the other three girls (who are standing behind Natasha) why they think she has the least potential. Their answer? She's "fake" and "phony" and there's "something missing" in her personality. That's the best they could do? I love the girl and I could do better than that! How about "she still squints and purses her lips" or "the language barrier has kept her from getting some good shots already." Geez, put half a second's worth of thought into it, you backstabbing assholes.

When Tyra asks Natasha why she thinks the girls would say that about her, Natasha says she figures it's about trying to knock out a competitor. "If Gisele Bunchen was standing behind me, I'd say she had the least potential, too," Natasha says. Score! Tyra takes this to mean Natasha thinks the other three are jealous of Natasha, and I don't think that's quite what she meant, but I think it might be a bit true.

While the judges deliberate, the girls wait in a separate room. Jaslene tries to slam Natasha for calling her jealous but it goes about as well as her attempted callout of Felicia for talking about her all those episodes ago: it makes her look like an insecure amateur who's grasping at straws. Go file down your chin, Jaslene.

Renee is called first, and accepts her photo with the smug smile you'd expect. Jaslene is called next, and I can hear them telepathically high-fiving each other over having made their plan work. Dionne and Natasha are called forward and Tyra talks forever about the panel's decision. She closes her speech with "... Natasha, you thought the other three girls were just jealous of you." She pulls out a photo. "And the judges agree." Natasha is still in the game!

Natasha turns to hug Dionne and -- damn. She's a braver woman than I am, because I'd be terrified to get near somebody who was glaring at me the way Dionne is looking daggers at Natasha. After her sendoff by Tyra, Dionne does give Natasha a hug, but she's still scowling like she's never scowled before. Except in those beach pictures where she was trying to be sexy.

We're given a retrospective of Dionne's portfolio, and I've got to say, picture-wise, she peaked in the second week with her "bad girl" pose. And that was because she could work the scowl.

Wave bye-bye now!

Next week: the final episode! Who will become America's Next Underemployed Cover Girl Spokesperson?

Comments

[LurkerNan]

Catty ! How come you think so damn much like me?

[SueBee]

Wait, does that make Emily & Mojo semi-fake cats?
Dionne is the only photo worth taking in this group--even given the vacant face which actually works in a sort of virgin-sacrifice kind of way. Renee looks like she's fallen from a very high tree, girl looks like a chalk outline. Jaslene looks like she's pronouncing the death sentence. Natasha looks like the Blair Witch with those foggy haunted eyes, where's her stick doll?
And you said someone "did" their hair? Damn, mine looked better than that this morning when I flopped out of the sack to look in the mirror and ask, "What the hell's up with that?"

[Catherine Cantieri]

Well, remember, Mojo is a Medium Dog, size-wise. And Emily is a reincarnated Victorian dowager. So they're kinda semi-cats, in their way.