Oh, yeah. Sorry to spoil you there, but Renee doesn't make it into the ANTM final 2. In fact, let me spoil you completely: it's Jaslene. And when I figured out which way this was going, I was a bit disappointed, but overall it makes sense. And I'm sure Natasha will be fine; she's coped with much worse than being runner-up in a modeling competition. And hey, I got to see my girl Caridee again! (She looked a little beige, but that's just the inevitable side effects of spending a year as a Cover Girl.) Plus, we all got to see one of the stupidest runway shows ever.
Does anybody else feel like singing "Rock and Roll Creation" by Spinal Tap ?
We all know the appointed rounds for this episode. First stop, the Cover Girl shoot. The girls will have to film part of a "My Life as a Cover Girl" commercial and then turn out a magazine ad. In a bit of sadism that even I didn't think this show was capable of, the girls are to ad-lib their commercial segment. Wow. One of the three has English as a first language, and they're supposed to freestyle it? That is a kind of evil genius I didn't know Tyra had in her.
In between the shoots, Caridee gives the girls some tips. You know, even in that temporary post-ANTM coma, she still seems like someone it would be fun to be around. I guess that's part of what models try to project, now that I think about it. Anyway, Jaslene and Natasha do about how you'd expect: a little stiff, feeling pretty scripted, but not bad considering the communication hurdles they have to overcome.
Renee delivers a product-friendly spiel that has the Cover Girl representative begging for a moist towelette... on the second take. Her first take, though, begins thusly: "When I had a baby 9 months ago, I thought my life was over." I actually squawked "Holy shit!" in response to this, terrifying Mojo. Renee, dude, plenty of moms might think that, but don't say it in front of a potential client and especially a rolling camera, where it can be captured, broadcast on national TV and come back to haunt the kid who damn near ended your life. You just bought yourself a lifetime of lousy Mother's Days, girl.
The photos for the magazine ad are all pretty awful. Natasha looks uncomfortable; Jaslene looks oddly-shaped; Renee looks 45; everybody looks plastic and weird. As the girls prepare for the next day's panel, Renee tells the camera that Natasha shouldn't make the final 2 because she walks "like a pigeon-toed duck [???] with a piece of poop sticking out her ass." Renee never stops bringing the class, does she?
At judging, Jaslene is called first, then Renee and Natasha approach Tyra, holding hands despite last week's bitchery. Tyra talks about how beautiful Renee's photos were, but I didn't see anything good there until the last couple of weeks. In the battle of photos vs. personality, Natasha wins. Renee looks gobsmacked. I cackle.
Our two finalists are introduced to the runway they'll need to walk for the final show, for an Australian design duo named Sass & Bide. The runway is rickety and wobbly, and that's when you're walking upright. Huh? Yup; turns out the theme to this show is "Evolution," which means they'll start the show walking like The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living And Became Mixed-Up Zombies. I told you it was stupid!
The show starts, and both girls shamble awkwardly just fine. Jaslene's first walk as homo sapiens sapiens is a little twitchy and unsure, but she soon finds her legs and picks up a lot of momentum. (Despite the pier-like runway and skyscraper heels, nobody apparently falls at this show. I am inexplicably disappointed in that.)
Natasha's first upright walk is fierce -- so fierce that it dislodges her skirt, which works its way down until she just steps out of it. Fortunately, she's wearing a leotard. Unfortunately, she's picked up a bit of a gut during the competition. I had thought she might be pregnant, but an online buddy of mine reported seeing footage of her looking slim at Nigel's recent post-season party, so either she "really buys into feeding a cold," as my friend put it, or she was pregnant, but isn't anymore. And frankly, I think my buddy got it in one.
After the show, the girls join the judges. Everybody looks ridiculous. The girls look tired and overly made-up. Tyra looks monochromatic and overly made-up. Nigel has that look of quiet desperation, while Jay Alexander appears to be immobilized by all those damn ruffles. Well, Twiggy looks nice, anyway.
While the panel seems divided over who had the best walk, when they start flashing the photo shoot comparisons, I know who's got this one. Jaslene's strongest photos are shown alongside some of Natasha's worst. And honestly, Jaslene's strongest photos are incredibly strong. She has a fantastic look for editorial work, even if her smile is a little hinky. She's got a good walk, her body is as ectomorphic as they come and she's got no kids to work around. She really is a good choice.
So I'm just going to pretend I've never seen pictures like this...
... where she looks like a character actress from the 1940s (being embraced by an alien).
Well, this was a fun season, wasn't it? We had Jael's nuttiness, Natasha's exuberance, Dionne's reactions, Felicia's sweetness, Cassandra's kindness, Kathleen's "I know, right?", Brittany's bad weave, cross-dressing, frostbite, thrift-store fashion shows and model boot camp. We had joy, we had fun, we had phasers set on "stun." I'll see you next cycle.
Whoo!
Glad to see that Jaslene won it. She wormed her way into my heart, somehow. Even moreso than Natasha. Onward to next season!
Posted by: PolIVamp | May 19, 2007 at 05:30 PM