Or, "What is she wearing?!" part XVII or something.
The past couple weeks have been a sort of return to form for Britney. She spent a few days rehearsing her "comeback" mini-tour at a dance studio, shopped a lot, flew to Florida, played a 15-minute show in Orlando where her vocal track skipped repeatedly (!) and partied like a frog-voiced pop star in Miami.
She was also photographed in the company of -- get this -- her son. Oh, crap, I forgot, she supposedly has two. Well, she was photographed with the one she'll cop to having. Little Rerun is still the Bigfoot of celebrity babies.
The usual wince-inducing pictures -- plus a site with several horrifying songs! -- after the jump.
Okay, we've proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that girl cannot dress herself. Seriously, when this photo is the most pulled-together look of a two-week period...
... the situation is dire. Yes, the shirt is hideous; no, it doesn't fit; yes, it clashes with that awful trucker hat and the hair is just sad, but it's not as bad as it could be.
How bad could it be? Let's examine Britney's cowboy-hat fling.
The first shot looks like a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader caught in the middle of a coke-buying spree in the late 1970s; the second looks like an unfortunate moment in the parking lot of Dollywood.
Not that she looked much better when she eschewed the cowboy hat for the ever-sleazy fedora. There's a part of me that wonders if this is maybe the world's saddest shoutout to Justin Timberlake: "Remember when we matched our clothes? Well, when I matched what you wore, and you tried not to look at me any more than you had to? Weren't those great times?!"
On the other hand, at least she's spending some time with her son. Of which she might have more than one; we're not completely sure at this point. (I wonder if little Sean Preston is checking to see if his nanny is nearby. For his sake, I hope she is.)
The most important Britney sighting of mid-May, though, wasn't of her offspring; it was of her roots. No, not her parents; she's managed to issue press statements telling both of them to piss up a rope in the past month. I'm talking follicles!
Much as I'd have recommended a few months of quiet contemplation and personal development for Britney, I would have recommended several months of natural growth for her hair. Let it grow out unmolested by color, extensions, aggressive blow-drying or styling; let it return to a healthy state. But as with Britney returning to the only life she knows, she has returned her hair to its pre-shaven state ASAP.
Not just bleaching it, bleaching it and attaching hideous extensions that look like they're held on by rubber bands.
Her poor scalp.
For a moment there, it looked like her worst offenses might be hair abuse. She was photographed last week, looking kind of almost cute, a bit like Carol Brady after the kids replaced her shampoo with Tiger's flea dip. And you look at the picture and you think, "Aw, she's not that bad..."
And then you notice she parked in a handicapped spot.
Of course, being famous is its own kind of handicap, in a self-inflicted, self-obsessed, self-pitying kind of way. When you have no talent to speak of and can only offer the most threadbare of images to your fans, you tend to attract some weird specimens. Like this guy, who's so devoted to Britney that he has composed and performed several tuneless a capella songs defending her. Well, not so much defending Britney herself as defending his idea of Britney, a sweet girl who dresses like a myopic pole dancer because it's the opposite of who she is.
Clearly, the dude is deranged, because that's exactly who she is. Here are some great shots from Britney's return to partying form this past weekend.
I'm not sure if the flesh blob on the right is her left boob or her left elbow. Hell, the two probably resemble each other by now thanks to her apparent allergy to supportive bras.
Hmmmm... I just might see a new "BritneyWatch" icon photo...
As is so often the case, the person next to her looks lovely, focused and clean.
Of course, all those pictures were taken off-stage. What does this pop princess look like when she's practicing her craft?
Eh. Old news, Britney.
Wow her hair has grown fast. Can't believe it was that long ago that she shaved it all off - and look how much hair she's already got to abuse again.
Then again, it has been 3 months, so maybe it's not so fast.... Maybe I just can't quite believe that much time has gone by that she hasn't done anything too stupid. It feels like just yesterday when I was hearing about her craziness daily...
Posted by: Mindi | May 23, 2007 at 11:27 AM
Ah yes...'tis often I, too, enhance a day of mother/child bonding with the wearing of ripped fishnets.
Posted by: Felicia | May 23, 2007 at 02:32 PM
O...M...G. The song link under the yellow dress is a new level of horror. I actually jumped in my chair, because i had clicked on That's True Love--and I thought it was Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs. "It puts the lotion on it's skin or else it gets the hose again." GAH!
Posted by: SueBee | June 01, 2007 at 01:48 PM