1-9: You've come a long way, (Mo's) babies

Well, sort of, anyway. This week's clip show gives us a chance to look back over the journey we've taken in Charm School. A journey that, to my utter astonishment, has not involved a weave clinic in which Saaphyri was given a more flattering style. We'll stagger over the well-worn terrain of Picturegate, the post-debate screamfest and the thrift store meltdown. But we'll also detour through a few never-before-seen moments... some of which will make us wish we hadn't.

So get in there and let's hit Memory Lane!

At the risk of being incredibly shallow, Mo is not doing herself any favors whatsoever with the hair and top she's sporting for this recap.

It looks like she finished vacuuming under the couch and then showed up to do the narration. That hair is killing me.

We're reminded of the show's Final 4 with a handy phrase to describe each one. It's nothing new, so I'll skip it.

On their first night at the house, the girls are treated to a buffet of delicacies including escargot and caviar.

They find it strange and off-putting. But Mo, having anticipated this, has arranged for a delivery of...

...pizza and chicken. In buckets. Crazy, isn't it?

Thela agrees.

The girls have their one-on-ones with Mo -- except for Saaphyri, who meets with Keith and Mikki.

She answers a question about what she hopes to accomplish with some weird thing about deciding to dye her hair pink. I don't get it and neither do they. (It was awfully pink, wasn't it? Now it's closer to the candy-apple red New York described it as. Whoa... I just said that New York was right about something. Hold me.)

Shay talks to Mo, who asks her why she's so angry. Shay says that her family doesn't support her in her dream to be an actress-slash-model. That's exactly how she says it, too: "actress-slash-model."

As with Larissa, I'm mystified by the modeling aspirations of someone who is far too short and too old to do anything in that field. Nor do I think Shay has any aptitude for acting; I think she'd chew the scenery based on the insane range of facial expressions she makes within a 5-second window while playing (allegedly) herself.

I really don't think Halle Berry has anything to worry about. It seems to me that Shay basically wants to make a living being cute. And she is indeed very pretty, but it's damn hard to make a career out of that without... hitting the pole. Suddenly, the loathing Shay and Larissa have for Leilene makes perfect sense: she represents their probable future and she's arguably prettier than either of them.

Becky cries unattractively, bless her heart. Leilene cries as well, but she's an old hand at it and does so winsomely.

The first few episodes are fairly uneventful; we see Saaphyri and Darra try to make a steak s'more.

We also see Leilene's contribution to the cooking challenge: a grilled cheese sammich that, according to Mo, was not up to snuff.

What's that on the outside of the bread? I don't think I want to know.

At that same picnic, Mo asked Becky why her Af-Am persona hadn't come out yet. The smart answer would be: "You know, I'm realizing that that characterization is fake and maybe a bit racist too, so I think I'm just going to use my own voice from now on." Instead, Becky says that it's been so serious thus far and "black girls have fun."

This doesn't seem to go over too well and I wonder if Becky has finally put her foot way too far into her mouth. But Mo toasts her and the tension is broken. I hope she learned something from that. Yeah, I'm stupid like that.

Speaking of stupid, here's Larissa's "impression" of Leilene on the bus after the debate and the screamfest that followed it.

You can see Shay grinning, Saaphyri looking alarmed and Courtney giving a rather charmingly boozy "Oh, that ain't right" look. But we're soon to discover a new meaning of "that ain't right."

Brooke has to pee. And so she does. On the bus. No, not onto the bus, but into a water bottle while on the bus.

You know, I think Shay and Larissa might have had a point with their whole "Brooke is nasty" thing. Not just the bus-pissing and the skankaciousness at the prom, but the fact that she didn't wash her hands after handling Schatar's used undies all seem to support this theory. I hereby declare Brooke nasty.

That said, what a friend Courtney is! I can't think of many people I'd sit still for while they micturated next to me.

You know who else is nasty? Shay and Larissa. Not in the "ew, gross!" sense, but in the petty, mean sense. After the post-debate fight, Shay threw wadded-up paper at the phone booth while Leilene was on the horn, then Larissa yelled "What?!" when Leilene looked over at them wearily. Trife, y'all. Trife.

Then after the perfume challenge, Shay tried to pick a fight with Brooke over the fact that she and Leilene didn't choose Becky and Saaphyri to accompany them on their shopping spree.

It's kinda like Shay to make an "altruistic" gesture by throwing unnecessary stank.

Speaking of the perfume challenge, though, it's also like Leilene to say something that is in no way relevant to the topic of discussion.

See? What the hell was she talking about there? And what the hell kind of college gave Brooke a degree in business administration? (And was Sally Struthers their spokesperson?)

Looking through the clip show, I'm struck by how Leilene speaks in self-help truisms, at least when she's talking to others. (She makes more sense when she's talking to the camera.) You know the main thing I think when I see Leilene?

How can I get my hair to do that? (Seriously, her hair is freaking fantastic.)

Saaphyri may not have the best hair, but I do think she's getting the winner's edit in this show. We've seen footage of Shay being an asshole, Leilene blathering and gulping and looking really earnest, and Becky... not doing much of anything besides crying from time to time. Saaphyri's earlier challenges were shown, but not her argument with the Parolee at the prom.

And we see her convince Becky to stay during the Picturegate, Part 2 episode. That says "winner's edit" to me.

But I guess we'll find out in less than 2 weeks! Based on the previews, Leilene gets her liquid courage on, Saaphyri tearfully says that Charm School is everything to her (really? oh, dear) and Mo ...

... might just be Over It. This should be interesting.

Comments

[LeeLee]

Word and a HoJo to your Leilene observation. She says the most ridiculous, double-speaky thing ever in the room, and then has a perfectly valid thought while talking to the camera. I wonder if the other girls make her nervous, and so she just talks in Dr. Philese around them?

I can't decide which girl I want to win: Leilene or Saaphyri (took me three tries to spell her name correctly). I want them both to win!

Oh, I can't believe I'm invested in this show. What hast thou done to me, VH1??

[Kim]

I agree that Shay would be a terrible actress due to her over the top facial expressions. But at the same time (to use one of the most overused phrases on all Flav-associated shows)(after "if you will"), I think that's what makes her one of the most entertaining interviewees on this show.

[BronzeMan]

I LOVE LEILENE. LONG LIVE LEILENE.

John

[Cheesemeister]

For some reason I wasn't able to get into watching this show, much though I get a chuckle out of train wrecks involving people that make my screwed up bipolar ass look sensible!