1-7: Karma, the true HBIC

They really crammed a lot into this episode of Charm School: not only do we get Picturegate resolved, we are ... treated to a return appearance by New York and her assorted new body parts. We also get birthday partius interruptus, wild accusations, aggravated assault--styrofoam and plenty of skullduggery, tears, and, as always, stank.

That said, it's a pretty good time, right, Mo?

All right, then.

The episode opens with a shot that indicates that the camera operator has seen a little too much Bergman recently.

Please, y'all. I understand the visual significance of the pawns, but Candy Land is more this gang's level.

Up in their lair, Larissa is congratulating herself for her successful plan to oust Schatar and Darra.

Okay, now here's some visual symbolism I can get behind: the reference to the Wicked Queen, plus the distorted quality of the mirror. Nice work, cameraperson. Shay looks on uneasily. Remember what they say about little monsters, Shay: don't feed 'em.

Downstairs, Brooke and Leilene are discussing the missing pictures. Brooke expresses concern to Leilene, but tells the camera that she doesn't give two turds about the pics themselves so much as she's worried about other people (read: herself) getting eliminated unfairly.

Mo calls the girls down for their lesson of the day, about how to present themselves competently in public. Yeah, good luck with them on that one, Mo.

She introduces Kevin Fraser, a correspondent from Entertainment Tonight, who will walk the girls through spin control.

But first, let's visit with the Ghost of Skank-mas Past!

Becky, of course, threw a shoe at New York at the Flavor of Love 2 reunion. I don't remember the shoe being that big, honestly.

Leilene dated a guy who threw a bottle at her face and gave her a black eye.

Saaphyri's anger management issues are now part of a court record somewhere.

This Larissa moment, when she chased after New York on the FOL2 reunion, cracks me up. Something about it makes me think of what it must be like when a furious cat gets out of its cage at the vet's office.

And our old friend the loogie!

(We don't see the footage of Shay shoving Heather on the balcony in FOL2, but I'm pretty sure it was in there somewhere.)

Inside the mind of Mo: "They'll never truly be ready for public interaction, will they?" No, probably not. But to point them in that direction, Kevin offers a 4-point plan for managing the media, and he uses some examples from real life.

To illustrate the "damage control" maxim, Kevin points out that Larissa leaked the name of the winner of FOL2 in a radio interview. She says she didn't.

Kevin points to a transcript of the interview where she did. Larissa says, "They can write anything they want," indicating either the desperate cynicism of the busted liar or a profound ignorance to what the word "transcript" means. Maybe both.

I think it may just now be dawning on Mo that there is no heart of gold lurking inside Larissa, just a future filled with restraining orders and lots of corrective dentistry.

After counseling the girls to stay on message, refuse to take the bait, practice damage control and never lose their cool, Kevin sends them to their celebrity interviews with a hearty cheer. He seems really nice. Hold on to that happy thought, girls!

Brooke is the first up, and as she anxiously awaits her interviewer, she hacks just a bit. Perhaps it was her Skanky Sense tingling or something, because who should walk through the door but...

Whoa. Okay, clearly she supersized the rack, but I think New York might also have had some facial procedures done, because her face just doesn't look quite right. Honestly, she looks like an African-American version of one of the Wayans brothers in White Chicks. It's kinda creepy.

Brooke tries (a little too hard) to smile. Good Lord, be careful or it'll freeze like that, Brooke. In her nervousness, she starts talking about how much she hates Larissa and fails the challenge by taking the bait.

Next up is Saaphyri, who does quite well, partially because she understands what New York's there to do and partially because she simply never had a chance to develop a personal hatred for New York, having never interacted with her.

The panel is ecstatic, with Mikki testifying, Kevin dry-humping the air from his chair, Mo almost getting the vapors and Keith smiling. Good on you, Saaphyri!

Larissa does pretty well, reverting into bunny-face and baby-voice for New York, who calls her a "little punk bitch." To the camera, of course, Larissa vows to kick New York's ass. That list is getting pretty long, isn't it, skipper?

This is Leilene's face after New York asks her if she and her abusive exes had hot sex after they beat her up. No, I'm not kidding. She actually asked that. I think New York's creepy inhuman face goes nicely with her insides, come to think of it. Leilene keeps her cool and does just fine, to the relief of the panel.

New York gets in a rather well-placed hit when she pretends to mistake Shay for Larissa. Shay still does just fine in her interview -- so much so that New York hugs her afterward, which grosses Shay right out. Oh, you'll fraternize with Larissa, but New York gives you the wig? Princess, please.

Becky is the most nervous about her interview with New York. We're shown another shot of The Great Shoe Fling of '06 and --

Okay, the shoe somehow got bigger in the last five minutes of the show!

Anyway, Becky is worried that she won't be able to restrain herself and will attack New York old-time hockey style. She manages to keep from going all Australian rules on New York, but neglects to hold her tongue as well as her temper. She talks about eliminated contestants, personal grudges around the house, beefs that don't even involve her. Oh, Becky.

While she's proud of herself for not tackling New York, Becky gets a verbal smackdown from the panel, which totally deflates her.

As New York expresses her disbelief that Leilene rattled her in any way, it occurs to me that perhaps Stacy London is underneath that mask!

Saaphyri is pronounced the challenge winner and given immunity from elimination. The screen cap might not show it clearly, but New York is clapping with her index fingers. You can't buy class like that, folks. (Hell, New York can't even buy good implants.)

On the bus home, the degree to which Becky screwed the pooch seems to dawn on her, and she starts crying.

Saaphyri is not exactly concerned. Unexpectedly, it's Larissa (?!) who offers some words of comfort, saying that Becky wasn't the only one who messed up in their interview.

The next day, Becky is still worried and talks to Shay about her fears that she might be sent home.

Shay seems to be only partially listening as she stabs a styrofoam container more viciously than Captain Ahab manning a harpoon gun. She advises Becky not to talk to Mo, not so much because she thinks it's a bad idea but because she doesn't think much of people who do it.

Becky, not surprisingly, is unconvinced by Shay's argument.

Upstairs, Leilene has begun re-interrogating the girls about the pictures. She doesn't think Schatar had anything to do with it and is worried that the culprit is still in the house and the wrong people were sent home.

"It's like living in a big-ass game of Clue! Who took the picture from the purple room?" There's our Becky back again.

Things get even more ridiculous, as Shay introduces the character of forensic accountant Investor Gadget, the soap-opera organ plays and Larissa decides to take the accusations into the theater of the absurd.

After that last bit, Shay takes Larissa into the bathroom, and says what we're all thinking:

The girls talk amongst themselves; Becky and Saaphyri start to wonder if maybe Larissa is being set up, and climb onto her bed to ask her who she thinks might have done it.

"Shay," she says, as her eyes gleam like moonlight on a freshly-sharpened cleaver.

Becky and Saaphyri pass this info along to Leilene, who actually apologizes to Larissa for suspecting her. Oh, Leilene...

Downstairs, the girls find some instructions from Mikki and Keith: it's Mo's birthday, and that calls for a celebration!

While they hang up decorations, Becky tells Shay that "the word on the street" is that she took the pictures. I get the feeling that she really relished having the chance to say "the word on the street." (I know I would.)

A lot of back-and-forthing between Shay and Becky later, and Larissa's name is brought up. Shay asks Larissa what's going on, and this is the look on Shay's face when someone mentions that Larissa had suggested Shay as the picture thief.

Yup. It's like that, Shay. However, only Shay knows it's like that. Becky thinks that Shay hates her for accusing her,  that Saaphyri is annoyed with her for stirring up the shit, that Larissa is pissed for having to confess to blaming Shay -- it's all too much for her, and she goes upstairs crying to pack and leave.

Oh, bless her heart, Becky is not a pretty cry-er. Over her hitching sobs, she manages to say that she feels sick for blaming her friends for something they didn't do.

Larissa, for whom human misery is a heavenly ambrosia, tries to hide her glee. Fortunately, Mo, Mikki and Keith soon arrive at the door, and the party begins.

Larissa's party attire? A TOWEL.

Mo is touched by the effort the girls went to for her party. "My babies care!" she sighs. I don't have the heart to tell her that they were instructed to care and provided with caring supplies. Better she believes the beautiful lie.

Mo soon notices, however, that one of her babies is missing. "Where's my Becky?" she asks, and I feel a little twinge in spite of everything.

Mo goes upstairs, where she and Becky talk about Becky's apprehension about failing the challenge and her self-excoriation over PictureGate. As Becky tells Mo how upset she is for doubting Shay and Larissa, Shay overhears and is stricken (finally!) by her conscience.

Ain't too much sadder than a crying girl in a party hat, y'all.

This is going on my Christmas card.

Keith tries to get the party going, but even a schmooze veteran like him is fighting a losing battle with this crew.

Upstairs, Shay tells Becky that she's forgiven and gives her a hug, then asks to speak to Mo. She tells Mo that she's caught in the middle, trying to help a friend that she knows has done something wrong and it's so easy to figure out what she's talking about. Mo tells Shay to talk to Larissa and goes downstairs to enjoy her dang birthday party.

Shay talks to Larissa, trying to convince her to confess. Larissa tells the camera that Shay "snitched," which is a word you don't hear much after fourth grade.

The elimination is held after the party, and it's no surprise who's called to the carpet: Becky, Shay and Larissa. Keith and Mikki scold Becky for not doing better in the challenge. They both agree that Shay is there for unusual reasons. And then Keith earns a salute from me for his words to Larissa.

I don't think Keith's psychological assessment would hold up in a court of law, but I do kinda agree with it.

Mo basically calls Larissa out for taking the pictures and lying about it. Larissa actually tries to claim that she didn't lie because the pictures weren't in her possession. Mo ain't having it.

Then Larissa blames Shay for not telling her not to do it. This is a level of desired irresponsibility that the most egregious defense attorneys only dream of. Mo ain't having that either. Larissa tries to pretend that she's leaving voluntarily, but Mo's obviously kicking her out.

So much so that as Larissa approaches the door, Mo says, "Her bags are already packed. Don't let her back in this house." I think I actually yelled, "OWNED!" at this point. Larissa talks some smack to the camera, but it just sounds like so much preteen bullshit.

Mo cautions Shay to pick better friends, then drops a bomb on the girls.

At first I gasped so loud I startled Mojo, who was all the way out on the back porch. Thank God she was kidding! Don't do that, Mo!

Next week, polish your braces and get your bouttonieres out, it's prom time at Charm School! And while Saaphyri is quite the social butterfly...

Brooke takes it a little too far.

I think this may be the episode where we get to hear that line from the preview: "You're the whore of Charm School!" Well, a girl can dream, anyway.

Comments

[Megan]

This episode was the best yet. I laughed, I cried... it became a part of me.

And Larissa finally got expelled, thanks be to God.

[ShawnaLanne]

I can't thank you enough for continuing to take one for the team with these FoL spin offs. Thanks again for feeding the addiction I'm too big of a wimp to go to the corner and score myself.

[PoliVamp]

Love it!

I saw the aired-episode-that-wasn't, and I couldn't wait for your reactions. Whoo!

[BronzeMan]

Kudos on another great episode recap. I agree with you -- this was the Caesar's Palace of Charm School episodes, with so many delicious twists and turns. Even though the shit is probably scripted, I can't help getting totally into it. Larissa just reminds me of every loud, obnoxious person who's pissed me off in life, and I was SOOOOO happy to see her kicked out. It was like the olive in my martini when Mo said to lock the doors behind her.

John

[Kim]

Praise Jesus backbends all 'round! The scales have fallen from Mo's eyes, and Larissa has been expelled! This episode was excellent - drama, drama, drama. LOVE this show!

[Lisa]

This episode was emotionally draining for me. It was like being at a middle school slumber party where a fight breaks out and the drama lasts all night. The premise of the fight is really stupid but you are forced to get involved because you are stuck there all night. And no, turning the channel is not an option. At least now I can pour myself a stiff drink afterwards.

[bstewart23]

Great episode, terrific recap. In our household, we're not only mimicking Keith's somnambulent speech delivery, but New York's hilarious, 2-finger clapping, too. Brava!

[Bronze Man]

I just saw the next episode. I don't think it's fair that they called Brooke a whore. That was uncalled for, just because she was overly friendly with the guests.

John

[Rica]

I LUV LARISSA AND I DONT CARE WAT NOBODY GOTTA SAY BOUT IT CUS SHE DONT BITE HE TONGUE 4 NOBODY!!!! AND PEOPLE ALWAYS SAY DAT SHE BE TAWKN SHIT BUT SHE WULDNT HAVE TA TAWK SHIT IF PEOPLE WULD KEEP HA NAME OUT DEY MOUF!!! AND I LYK SHAY TOO BUT I THANK DAT SHAY SHOULDNA NEVA TOLD MONIQUE DAT WAS BULL....