1-8: The "whore," the merrier!

It may seem strange that it's taken so long to get to the "dating and relationships" episode of Charm School, seeing as how all the contestants came from two of the most legendary pools in the history of the dating show. But considering the "prize" of those dating pools, such a lesson is long overdue and much needed for all of these women. A couple of them in particular.

Now, you're going to hear and read the "W" word a lot in this episode, and I've got some mixed feelings about it. For starters, I don't think it should ever be used in anger because it's not only an insult, it's an insult loaded with lots of cultural baggage. It's a pretty big gun and it should never be aimed with intent to harm. But I'm not opposed to it used as an exaggeration, if that makes sense. It gets tricky when you're not sure how it's being used, but in this clip, I think Mo's using it as a figure of speech, and it is pretty funny.

Not as funny as the mere sight of Mo with the giggles, but pretty funny.

I'm not even going to mess with the opening shots or the commandment of the week (although I will note that they should have used "canst" in the phrasing). Let's go right into our guest lecturer on "Relationships 101."

Uh huh. Hmmm. Between the nickname and the titles of his books, I'm really not sure this guy has the ideal curriculum vitae for teaching anybody about healthy relationships.

Nasheed says that men break down into five general types: the Player, the Pushover, the Professional, the Parolee and the Urban Renaissance Man. I'm not a big fan of sorting people into types like that, especially when it comes to something as complex as relationships. But hey, it's his schtick, and he's published three more books than I have, so maybe he's onto something.

Nope, I stand by my earlier assertion: this is ri-damn-diculous. Not only is he breaking half of humanity into five types, he's breaking those types down into four characteristics in a pie chart. I call bullshit.

The one awesome thing about the "know your (completely arbitrary) types of guy" presentation is that the editors follow up each type with a moment in the history of...

Flav! Here, he's the Player.

Where is he getting these percentages from? I feel like I'm watching a presentation from Brian Fantana. "92% of the time, I'll rub your feet every time." Also, I'd like to add a word of support for the Pushover type. As long as you've still got a spine and a working pineal gland, ain't nothing wrong with lots of sensitivity.

They really had to stretch for this one, as Flav offers to drink the water out of the canal for Becky. Is that being a Pushover, or just a death wish?

I'm not sure why the sex fiend is called the Parolee, and I'm not sure I want to know.

Personally, I would have chosen the "we took a chunk out of each other" clip from the penultimate episode of Flavor of Love 2 where New York and Flav made weird peacock-call noises from behind a closed door. But that would mean watching it again so... no.

I like to imagine the staff at a Kinko's printing these out and wondering why the hell "Sexual Aptitude" was appearing on a pie chart.

Again, it's a bit of a stretch with the "profitability" once you know about Flav's living-with-his-mama-scalping-tickets years. But he's done pretty well with these series, so good on him, I guess.

So all four of these types are bad news, but when you combine them and distribute their main attributes evenly, you get...

The Urban Renaissance Man. Or, the URM. Which sounds like a noise you might make after an unfortunate lactose incident.

So wait, are they saying that Flav is the URM, or that he's all four kinds of bad news? I guess only Brigitte Nielsen knows for sure.

Mikki tells the girls that they'll have a chance to prove that they've learned from this (ludicrous, cheesy) lesson that very night at the first (and, one hopes, only) Charm School Prom! But there's a challenge to it: among their seven male guests will be only one URM. The one who correctly identifies him will be safe from elimination.

You know what I said last week? Changed my mind. This is going on my Christmas card.

The girls start getting ready for their prom. Everybody's looking forward to the company of dudes.

Shay wonders what will happen if nobody picks the right guy. I love that she asks that question rather than "What if more than one of us picks the right guy?" Shay knows the competence level of the room.

Downstairs, the girls find a surprise from Mo: prom dresses!

Note what Leilene is wearing as she comes down the stairs; I think she had already dressed for the prom in a front-closure frock from the Center Pole Collection.

The girls change into their new duds -- in fact, one of them changes into nothing else.

You know, nothing says "class" like going commando in formalwear.

The girls gather in the front room, and I must say, they all look lovely. Brooke in particular has chosen well for her coloring and body type. (And, as we will discover, for visual symbolism as well.)

Mo looks so proud of them. Enjoy that feeling while you can, Mo!

Then it's time to meet the dudes. In the mix are two Players, two Pushovers, a Professional, a Parolee and an URM. Highlights of the group include...

If you must have a transitive verb as a nickname, at least spell it right, for God's sake!

Oh no! Not ... a family!

Chores?! His grandmother??!! The room is spinning; it's all going black -- No, seriously, they're trying to tell us that these two are losers? They seem like pretty sweet guys. Team Pushover!

If his hair doesn't clue you in right away, the nickname should do the trick: avoid this guy and keep an eye on your car when he's around it.

And here we supposedly have the Holy Grail of dudes. Too bad he looks like Jermaine Dupri.

In fact, Saaphyri isn't too pleased with the aesthetic pickins at all. "I feel bamboozled. It's a bunch of ugly-ass fools up in here!" Oh, I don't know about that. The Pushovers are both pretty cute.

Leilene wastes no time in attaching herself to the Professional and spends the rest of the prom talking to him. I'm going to give you the portions of their fellowship that we were privy to, in case you've ever wondered what vapid people do on a date.

Leilene, honey, you don't know how to read people any more than you know how to read cuneiform. You might know how to read guys who go to strip clubs, but that hasn't really worked out too well for you, has it? Also: if your main common interests are shopping, rock-paper-scissors and Dude, Where's My Car?, the World Health Organization has strongly recommended surgical sterilization for both parties.

In contrast, Becky is making the rounds, trying to talk with every guy there to discover who the URM is. She's vivacious and polite, but not too hands-y in her physical interaction with them. I don't know how she refrained from doing the "accidental"-elbow-to-the-ribs maneuver with this guy, so clearly she's learned some restraint since last week's New York interview. Otherwise, she seems to have a lot of fun.

Ah, man, I've been that guy!! My best friend Felicia and I do The Shovel all the time! I also know The Bus Driver, The Sprinkler, The Lawn Mower, Flossing, The Shopping Cart, The Ironing Board, The Butter Churn -- and now I can add The Sandbag to my list of wedding reception dances. Awesome!

Oh, don't look at me like that, Mo.

While Leilene monopolizes Leon and Becky flits like a social butterfly, Brooke decides to take skank to a whole new level. "This would be so much more fun if we were naked!" she yells as a Pushover (rather incongruously) grinds up on her. If you were naked, what you were doing wouldn't be shown on basic cable, Brooke.

Player: "I'm a massage therapist. I work on necks, backs, shoulders, ankles, thighs..."

Brooke: "What about the vagina area?" (Damn, Brooke. Way to make the subtext the text.)

Mo, watching the prom with the panel: "..."

The ickiest part of this shot isn't what he's doing to that poor defenseless strawberry, it's the look of predatory fascination on her face.

Brooke takes the Player into the kitchen for a quick grope as the panel looks on in horror.

Oh, it gets better, Mo.

This is the look on the face of the URM just after Brooke asked him if he likes to fuck or make love. How do you answer that? Hell, how do you ask that?

The panel is similarly flummoxed.

We don't see much of Shay during the prom, but she does let us know that Seashell, the Parolee, has a really weird laugh.

She's right; he does. I'm just surprised that she could find one specific thing amid all the general wrongness about him. Soon his wrongness and Brooke's wrongness have combined to produce what can only be called a skank explosion.

I love that Mo specifies that it's dark liquor you have to be afraid of. The pastel liquor is apparently a little more safe. And no, Brooke, he was not hot.

As part of his campaign of pure charm, Seashell imparts this gem: "You got titties that are too big, they get stretch marks on them." (Tangent: just about every part of the human body can get stretch marks. All it takes is rapid growth, rapid shrinkage or the cumulative effects of gravity. We're all probably sporting a set somewhere.)

Saaphyri takes umbrage at this insult to the more generously endowed, and it's On. The two trade insults, and at first it seems to be light-hearted ribbing, but soon it gets pretty mean and ends with a Pushover having to hold Saaphyri back.

See, you can depend on the Pushover! He's got your back! (Team Pushover, dammit.)

After the prom ends -- and it might have ended prematurely; Mo said she was going to put a stop to it after Saaphyri started yelling -- the girls have to play pin-the-boutonniere-on-the-URM. Nobody gets it right.

Leilene is told that Owen, her dream dude, is a Professional. (With a really weird hairline on the side, I might add.) She is crushed, and protests to the camera that they played rock-paper-scissors and that's deep. And for Leilene, perhaps it is.

Pushover A got two votes...

...and so did Pushover B. Yeaaaaa, Team Pushover!! (I love the Sandbag guy poking his head in there.)

Nasheed points out the URM, and the girls are obviously thinking, "Yes, but he looks like Jermaine Dupri." And if you go to the V-Spot for Charm School and watch "Time In the Yard: After-Prom," you'll learn that he wasn't all that great a catch anyway. You'll also hear the greatest line ever spoken by Saaphyri in reference to Seashell's alleged "eight pounds of dangling fury" (a rather great line unto itself): "Eight pounds? That's a baby!"

The next morning, Brooke is feeling pretty to' up, but otherwise the girls are okay and even have a sweet moment where they declare that they're all Urban Renaissance Women. Let's breathe in that bit of sisterhood, 'cause it's not long for this world.

Downstairs, a note tells the girls that since nobody won the challenge, they'll all have to vote on who did the best and the worst the night before. Suddenly it gets all cutthroat and mercenary in the group. I've never watched an episode of Big Brother or Survivor, but this is what I envision: people trying to fuck each other over while pretending to get along.

Suddenly the place is lousy with strategizing. First, Saaphyri confides to Leilene that Brooke wants her gone. Brooke then tries to get Leilene involved in some weird scheme involving the two of them and Shay. Leilene gets increasingly confused; Brooke gets impatient and starts snapping at Leilene to "get with the program" and do what Brooke tells her to. Brooke goes back to Saaphyri and discovers that our weave artist has drawn up some charts and graphs.

What Saaphyri sees:

What Leilene sees:

The girls place their votes for the queen and anti-queen of the Charm School prom, and Mikki reads the results. Becky won for "best" and Mikki says that Leilene cast the deciding vote for "worst": Brooke. Honestly, any of the three votes for Brooke could have been the deciding vote, so this is clearly a grenade lobbed by the producers. And it goes off, as does Brooke, who yells at Leilene that all she'll ever be is a stripper. (Leilene tells the camera that at least she gets paid for it, which isn't really that much of an improvement, but whatevs.)

Give it up, Brooke. After Larissa's venom, your sad little outburst is nothing to Leilene.

As usual, it's no surprise who's called to the carpet...

... but it is something of a surprise that after a couple of mild rebukes from the panel, Mo sends Leilene and Saaphyri back to the stairs.

Awwwwww.

What follows, though, is not touching at all. Keith, Mikki and especially Mo lay into Brooke. Keith busts out the old "you can put lipstick on a pig but it doesn't make it a lady" line, which -- ouch. Mikki is diplomatic, but expresses concern that Brooke was only relating to the guys on a sexual level rather than trying to connect with them as people. I totally agree with Mikki. Mo tells Brooke straight up that she was "the whore of Charm School," and while she may intend the W-word as an exaggeration, Brooke obviously takes it as a deeply wounding insult. (Personally, I'd say Brooke was more a sexual predator with no class, but that's just me.)

I honestly feel awful for Brooke for a minute. MoNique sees that she's hurt Brooke and tries to backpedal, but the damage is done and Mo's attempt at tenderness actually makes it worse.

Brooke tearfully tells the camera that Mo was horrible to her and didn't say one good thing about her (which I don't think is true). She's upset and angry, and blaming everybody but herself for her expulsion.

(True story: as we watched her walk toward the door, I pondered aloud if Brooke would spit. Milliseconds later, my question was answered.) Outside, Brooke makes some weird proclamation about how there's nothing wrong with her, she just likes her tits.

See? (Again, if you go to the V-Spot, you'll see that this shot took several takes and some finagling by the producers, which makes it kinda dodgy in my book.)

Next week, we have a clip show, which I'm sure will be pure stank on parade. And then the week after that, it's the finale!

It's a meeting of the mindless! (Oh, I kid. There is at least the equivalent of 2.5 minds up there.)

Comments

[Kim]

Okay everyone (or the 3 of you who watched "Arrested Development"), I have to ask: was it just me, or was Brooke totally channeling Kitty? "SPRING BREAK! WOOOO HOOO!" Or as Flav would say: "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW ..."

[Catherine Cantieri]

Oh, Kim, you've just singlehandedly redeemed the end of this episode! There we go: Brooke IS Kitty Sanchez. "And you can say goodbye to these!" Excellent work.

[Vyola]

"Note what Leilene is wearing as she comes down the stairs; I think she had already dressed for the prom in a front-closure frock from the Center Pole Collection."

I... I think I love you.

Thank you for watching this so I can hold my head up and honestly say that I don't. (I save my shame for other things, really. I just don't have any to spare for this.) ::searches for another showing of "My Super Sweet Sixteen"::

[Lisa]

I know that no one has the time to point out everything that is wrong with this show, but this one really bothered me. So there was a huge ice sculpture at the "prom" that clearly enabled you to take shots from it. So why does everyone seem so shocked that Brooke used it? Mo even asks, "Where is he taking her?" I wonder what other bait they had laying around. Baskets of massage oil and condoms anyone?

[PoliVamp]

I really, really felt bad for Brooke here. Whore is not a word that is to be used slightly, and Keith and Mo both crossed the line.

I also thought the end with Brooke flashing looked a little staged, so I don't hold that against her. Poor girl, I hope she takes Nikki's advice and works on connecting at an emotional level.

So, of my picks for top 3, only Leilene is still in it (the others being Brooke and Darra). Ah well, at least Becky is still in it also.

[SueBee]

Hey girl, don't forget to watch the pineapple-ice-shot again. The face that the sandbagger makes when she does the shot is HY-STER-ICAL! And I don't think it was THAT she used it, but HOW she used it--grasping it desperately, around the (dare I say it?) hips, deep throating the shooter spout & she still continued while he spewed filthy-talk at her from his pie hole. It was a combo package resulting in a bemused smile & a shake of the head.
If you were in her place at that second, TELL me you wouldn't have let the shot hit you in the shoulder while you flayed him with your shoe?! Riiiiiight. There you go.