Summer: A Lament

I keep hearing all these rapturous odes to summer. People seem to think it's a relaxing, fun-having, enjoyable time of year. Having lived south of the Mason-Dixon line for all but a year and a half of my life, I can say with utter certainty that the people who say such things are insane. Summer is not fun or enjoyable; it's a nonstop inferno of heat rash and despair! I have given a name to my pain, and it is summer. In place of an ode, let me offer a lament.

Summer, summer -- cripes, what a bummer!
TV's on hiatus and the movies are dumber.
It may be bright and sunny, but fun it is not,
When humidity's high and the heat's too damn hot.

The children are out in the suburbs in force;
They scream all day long and they never go hoarse.
The neighbors awaken at the butt-crack of dawn,
To run power tools at full blast on their lawn.

You can put up the sunshade across your car's dash,
But the seats still reduce you to smoldering ash.
And your hands haven't managed to scab up and heal
From their last sizzling date with a hot steering wheel.

It's a special hell for the woman of size,
With the sweating of boobs and the chafing of thighs.
Other people may tan on their summer beach trip,
But I sunburn and blister like a skank's upper lip.

When I start every day in a thin film of sweat,
When the air is as thick as canned Aqua-Net,
When I clean shedded hair thrown up by a pet,
When the back of my neck is always slightly wet,
When I down frozen beverages I later regret,
When I contemplate a show with a Michaels named Bret,
When I start pondering how much hotter it can get,
I must rage and fume: Is it October yet?!

Comments

[Lisa]

Absolutely brilliant! I could not have said it better myself. I just moved from Oklahoma to New Hampshire and it is still too damn hot.

[BronzeMan]

I've always enjoyed your posts about all thigns pop culture, but this is going *too far*! Summer is a beautiful, wonderful month, and the time when I am happiest. All my best memories are of the summer, and I fell in love in the summer.

Damned be anyone who hates summer! Only a strange demon could have possessed such grim souls!!!!!!

John

[Bey]

There's always one in the crowd yelling brightly "I'm glad my legs are broken!" a la Pollyanna

Hush you, and hand me that iced tea.

[kostgard]

"But I sunburn and blister like a skank's upper lip."

Too. Awesome. I'm going to have to steal that from you.

And I feel your pain - the heat and humidity played a huuuuge role in my decision to move from Georgia back to the Pacific Northwest. It still gets hot here in the summer, but the low humidity makes all the difference in the world.

[EvilMinion]

"The neighbors awaken at the butt-crack of dawn,
To run power tools at full blast on their lawn."

I hear this. There's nothing like getting up early to enjoy a nice cup of coffee and the silence of the dawn just to hear some butthole start up their lawnmower. Up yours, summer.

[BronzeMan]

Y'all need to own your hidden love for that gorgeous summer sunshine, especially in the South, where summer is a time for barbecues, boudin, and big-tittied babes in Daisy Dukes. What's better than being able to peel off the clothes and mow the lawn in under the midmorning sun, dressed in nothing but ripped jean cut-offs, flip-flops, and no underwear? Hell, we spend all winter covered up under windbreakers and slaving away in those crowded, musty gymnasiums lifting weights so we can get some pecs to show the girls in pigtails passing by. What would we do without summer as the time to show off all our hard work? And what better time to get all our kids to flop around like little seals in inflatable plastic pools while we drink shots of whiskey and rub ice all over ourselves?

SUMMER ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Catherine Cantieri]

Aaaaaagh, dude, you've just captured everything I hate about summer!

It's just a profoundly undignified time of year.

[Petals]

Love it!

"It's a special hell for the woman of size,
With the sweating of boobs and the chafing of thighs."

It's true! So true.

[Tiffany Sunglasses]

To me , summer is a blessing and i love spending time on the beech, getting tan with my sunglasses on.