Super-heroes, really rather crappy people

My buddy MaryAnn wrote a great review (as usual) of Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer on her site, in which she complained about the self-centeredness of the foursome. One of her commenters agreed, noting that Warren Ellis (who wrote Ultimate Fantastic Four for a while) had even said the F4 are not exactly good people. So I went into the theater with a plan: to view the movie through the lens of "these superheroes should probably be taken out and shot."

And that perspective worked all too well.

Here's the thing that kinda gobsmacked me throughout the film: none of the four of them seems to give a rat's ass that the world is due to end right sharpish. They're all more focused on Sue Storm's wedding to Reed Richards and what might happen to the team if the two try to raise a family. No, I'm not kidding; they're worried about the future of their little klatch even after they know the world is supposed to end in less than 8 days! That's a level of self-centeredness that even Emily the Disapproving Cat couldn't achieve.

For the first half of the film, as we see a liquid-metal-looking dude surfing over the planet, causing extra-large pits in really noticeable spots, the main drama is wedding-based. Will Sue Storm get the china pattern she wants? Will the media swarm the nuptials? Will Reed's completely PG-rated bachelor party put him in the doghouse? (Answers: who cares, who cares, and who cares.) This wouldn't even make a decent episode of Bridezillas, let alone a tolerable action movie.

The only interesting aspect of the movie, really, is the Surfer himself. Voiced by the incomparable Laurence Fishburne and physically acted by the equally awesome Doug Jones (the faun and the Pale Man from Pan's Labyrinth), the Surfer has a gravity and a depth that the F4 totally lack. The tragedy and pain of his story makes their petty squabbles look all the more atrocious -- and the acting suffers by comparison, too.

I'm willing to give Ioan Gruffudd and Michael Chiklis a bit of a pass because I've seen both of them do really good work in other projects. That doesn't completely excuse their phoning it in on this movie, but I won't write them off completely. Similarly, Chris Evans does what is required of him in the role of the hotshot with some entitlement issues -- which is not exactly a stretch for a successful young actor.

You know where I'm going with this: Jessica Alba. Walking out of the theater, J shook his head. "Jessica Alba, man. That was some Busty Cops-level acting there." ("Busty Cops" has become a major frame of reference for us, for better or worse.) And he was completely right: Alba lacks the expressiveness to communicate even Sue Storm's self-obsessiveness and petty drama. Maybe it's the blue contacts, but her eyes lack all manner of emotion.

Don't look directly at the eyes too long. After a while, they start looking like things you'd see in a taxidermy shop, and the next thing you know, you're imagining them rolling out from under the bed and staring up at you while you sleep and -- whoa. It's been a long week, okay?

In a movie that takes callowness to a new level, the most depraved moment occurs when Richards summons his jet to pick up the group. As you'll notice in the photo below, the seats have a Dodge logo on them and there's even line about the jet having a hemi engine in it. Yes, experts agree: the best way to power a supersonic jet is with a loud-ass V8. And there's no better time to swing your wang about your wheels than when the world is about to end.

The best moment in the movie is, by far, when my main man Andre Braugher (as the general who notifies them of the destruction caused by the Surfer and gets attitude for interrupting the wedding plans) looks at the group, aghast, and asks, "What is wrong with you people?"

Excellent question.

Comments

[Petals]

Ahhhhh! I haven't seen it yet! :(

[Catherine Cantieri]

I'm sorry, dear. Would I be spoiling you completely if I said that the world does not, in fact, end? ;-)

[Cheesemeister]

Most young guys think Jessica Alba is really hot. My 17 year old son thinks she's the worst actress in the universe (come on, Kid, she's not as bad as Paris Hilton in House of Wax...but that really isn't acting, then again.) He says that she makes the Sue character come off as slutty, and she was really a pretty wholesome gal in the comics. In all, except for The Thing, I had no great love for the movie incarnations of this superhero team. Reed was two dimensional and Johnny was completely in love with--well--himself.