Damn. I thought I knew from skank, having watched every single episode of the Flavor of Love franchise. When watching the Charm School reunion earlier this month, I thought Brooke was not only off-base but kinda racist when she said that white women "put themselves out there" more than African-American women. But now that I've seen the premiere of Rock of Love, you know what?
I think she might have been on to something.
You know the drill by now: prominent member of popular 80s group has fame, fortune and a couple of kids, but is still looking for that once-in-a-lifetime love. (Or has a tour to promote. Take your pick.) What better way to find a meaningful relationship than a dating show?
What unnerves me about this is the "with Bret Michaels" part. It makes me wonder if they're planning other Rock of Loves with other publicity-hungry rockers. Oh, who am I kidding, VH1 is probably already in talks with Kip Winger.
Bret opens the show talking about his philosophy of love (the trick is to find someone you want to be friends with and have sex with -- ah, hell, at least it seems more thought-out than Flav's approach). He talks about his fabulous lifestyle and walks us through the process of setting up Rock of Love, most of which was done by his bodyguard, Big John.
Eh. He seems okay, but he's no Big Rick.
The ladies are gathered outside awaiting Bret's arrival. Let's meet a couple of them!
Wow. The winner of a statewide Miss Hooters pageant and a woman who can't get the name of Poison's biggest single correct. This may be some of the greatest casting ever.
Bret pulls up and the ladies predictably hoot and holler.
Subtle! No, I'm being serious. The flash of the tongue stud is exceptionally subtle compared to the tactics that will be deployed by the Rock of Love skanks this very evening.
Bret is overwhelmed by the pulchritude before him and refers to the contestants as "the 25 most beautiful women in the world." Which is either sweet or deluded, I'm not sure which. But whichever it is, Big John is above such considerations, which is why Bret has Big John lay out the house rules.
They are: don't enter Bret's room without permission (and why do I suspect that that rule's based more on what's underneath that bandanna than anything else?), don't touch the guitars and don't puke in the Jacuzzi. Fair enough. Then Big John singles out a few of the skanks for some as-yet-unknown reason.
Her.
Her.
Her.
Her.
And her. The other skanks express anxiety over why these women are being chosen, but after the fifth is picked, the remaining 20 are told to go into the house.
And then Big John tells them...
...to just go back home 'cause they didn't make the first cut. Oh, damn, that's gotta hurt. I can't tell who's more of a dink here: Big John for telling these 5 girls that they aren't attractive enough to even be considered, or Bret for making someone else tell them that.
Inside the mansion, the 20 non-rejected girls are reacquainted with an old friend.
Booze!
They make themselves right at home. A Manic Panic redhead named Lacey heads to the stage area and starts knocking out a beat on the drums.
It's not the opening bars to "Lust For Life," but it's a competent beat. I took two semesters of drum lessons, and found them to be the hardest instrument I've ever attempted to play. So I respect Lacey's chops.
Tamara, fresh from an apparent tussle in a wind tunnel, isn't so impressed. She thinks Lacey looks desperate. I, meanwhile, think Tamara looks like an extra from a Scandal video.
Other girls in the house are bonding with one another, having such profound things in common as hair color.
Well, it certainly couldn't make them think any worse. And speaking of boobs...
I don't even want to know the thought process that ends with "... and so we gave our precious baby girl implants for her birthday last year!"
Elsewhere, a faulty thought process is occurring as the two-tone reject decides she's not going to go quietly.
This determined little filly is named Tiffany.
I hate and love Rich from the VH1 blog for pointing out her uncanny resemblance to Jerri Blank. What's truly terrifying is that it takes prosthetics and a crapload of talent for Amy Sedaris to look like this, while it's Tiffany's natural state.
Tiffany pounds on the door until Big John answers. She pleads with him to let her stay, insisting that she deserves to be there, saying she had a hat made (?), promising to be good and sleep wherever they can fit her in. Big John thinks it over, then relents.
Hoo boy.
Now that the dating pool is assembled, Bret takes pictures of the girls "to get to know them."
I think this picture captures so much of the show. Rodeo there in the cowboy hat is the first to go before Bret's lens. He loves her muscles and cowboy hat. A six-foot baritone named Magdalena disparages Rodeo's muscles and ponders why someone so masculine is there... in a voice a couple tones above Johnny Cash's.
Some highlights from the shoot:
Bret suspects that Tiffany might not be completely sober.
Moments later, she kicked a small child to death.
Hmmm. Sometimes, the MySpace Hawt Girl pose doesn't work, even for a relatively attractive girl.
That's Magdalena kissing Bret. Note that she has to dip down a bit.
This is Jes, who has a lovely face. Fun fact: Poison guitarist CC DeVille (whom I just love) has had the same color hair as Jes! Just one color at a time.
Tamara's hair is still inexplicable, but it makes more sense than her top. Seriously, what is going on there? Why are there beltloops beginning around her nipples?
Yyyyyeah. I call porn.
And for this one, I call "wandered away during day pass from group home." I'm not sure she should be driving. Like, ever.
Oh, dear. That is just not a good --
Oh, now, that was uncalled-for, VH1! (Funny, but uncalled-for.)
Speaking of uncalled-for, a shopworn woman named Heather says that she's going to "show these girls what sexy is."
Well, she's certainly shown them what her hooters are. Yay? A contestant notes that Heather looks like a stripper who works at a club near the airport. Hee!
The photo session concluded, the mixer begins in earnest.
Brandi, sounding like Minnie Mouse on roofies, immediately starts pouting about all these other women crowding around Bret and not allowing her any one-on-one time with him. I'm not sure what she expected from a competitive dating show, but then something tells me preconceptions and forethought are not part of Brandi's day-to-day life.
Bret gives some of the girls a little insight into his day-to-day life on the road. Maybe a little more than they wanted.
I can think of several things he might be saying there. I'd suggest them, but I don't want to mess up my Google stats.
Bret tries to get to know Tamara, whom he insists is beautiful and sexy.
Maybe he should've asked her what she thought of the other girls. She was a lot more coherent when sniping at Lacey's drumming.
While Bret is mixing with the skanks, Tiffany is mixing with the booze.
It's the reaction shot here that makes it art.
I love that even this rather motley group is uniformly mortified at how much Tiffany brings down the tone.
There's no context for this, Tiffany has simply elected to notify us all of the uniqueness of South Side booty. Good to know.
Outside, Bret chats with Sam, a girl with a lot of tattoos.
This one is based on "Heartbreak Hotel," and while sleeves aren't my thing, I think this is some beautiful work. Bret is similarly impressed, and the two of them start talking music.
I kinda like Sam. She's got a kind of quiet-smart-soulful-girl beauty to her. Interestingly, none of those qualities apply to the woman on the other side of Bret.
When Bret talks about his tattoos, Heather grabs his arm where one of his daughter's birthdays has been inked and gasps that it's her birthday too (plus about 30-odd years). Sam tells the camera that she finds Heather very intimidating because she's loud, aggressive and insistent that everyone look at her. Oh, Sam, in a few years you'll realize that those qualities don't make someone "intimidating," they make them desperate. As desperate as, say, a stripper with crows' feet.
And speaking of stripping... Heather (stripped down to undies, a t-shirt and nipple tape) shows the girls some of her moves on the pole. They're all impressed... except for one.
Is anybody surprised that the one area in which Tiffany has shown any competence whatsoever is the pole? But then, Jerri Blank does love the pole and the hole, so ... um... there you go.
Elsewhere, Bret is being bored to death by Jessica...
... and talked to death by Raven.
Raven, you seem like a relatively smart girl, but let me offer you a little tip: when you're on the first episode of a dating show, don't keep interrupting the "prize." Whatever point you think you're making, you're not. Also, get the damn song names right.
Bret gets a chance to talk to Rodeo outside. Hmmm.
I don't think the hat is doing her any favors, but there's a kind of Holly Hunter appeal to her. She and Bret seem to have a natural rapport, and for the first time, we see two grown-ass folks having a grown-ass conversation. They talk about their kids, their health (she's overcome cancer and paralysis, he's had juvenile diabetes since he was a kid) and what they've learned in their time on Earth. Suddenly, I really, really like Rodeo. I can see that she's being set up as the sentimental good girl, but I'm okay with that as long as it results in shots like these.
Can you blame me?
Someone who's not being set up as the sentimental good girl is Tiffany, who seems to have earned the ill will of every other girl in the house.
Of course, who can blame them for giving her the double finger when she's saying such charming things?
(That's Dallas. I think she's the one who hypothesized that Heather worked near the airport. I instinctively like Dallas.)
From there, things go downhill as Big John looks on anxiously.
The girl on the far left is Brandi M. I can't tell if I like her or not; I also can't tell if she's pretty or not. She's a mystery in a wifebeater. I do love the expression on Jes's face in the background there. She knows she's watching the drunkest woman in the universe, and she's digging it.
Bret is also digging Jes, but he's worried that she's not feeling him.
This is the wall Bret feels she's putting up, but it's kind of a turn-on for him. I've got to say, just about everything on this show turns Bret on. More than once, I wondered what it would take to turn Bret off, and then I realized *I* probably would. I actually find that comforting and reassuring.
You know who isn't putting up a wall at all? That's right, my friends, Tiffany, the 120-proof human!
She straddles Bret and plays "horsey" on his lap, pummeling his wang in the process. Thank God she was wearing underwear. Poor Brandi C. is still cockblocked, and pouts about it to her buddy Kristia.
Oh, yeah. She's totally done porn. (Maybe they both have.) Perhaps Kristia can help Brandi come up with a plan to finally get Bret's attention!
After assaulting Bret, Tiffany tries to strike up a conversation with the other girls, whether they like it or not. I'm going to give you the highlights here.
At some point, Tiffany reveals that she has a daughter. Oh, sweet Jim Beam. That poor child. I hope Tiffany's mom or the State of Illinois is doing a good job looking after her. (And frankly, considering how Tiffany turned out, I'm kinda hoping the State of Illinois is the responsible party.)
Finally, Brandi C. pulls out the big (enhanced) guns, and dons a too-small bikini loaned to her by Kristia.
What the hell is that tattoo she has on her abdomen? (And why the hell would you get a tattoo there; it's guaranteed to stretch!) She knows her audience, though; Bret is mesmerized by her hooters and finally invites her to cuddle up with him.
She tells him that she'd be okay with him having two or three more girlfriends, as long as she got to be "the Holly," a reference to Hugh Hefner's lead girlfriend. Let's think about that: Brandi's best possible outcome is to have the life of an octagenarian's favorite concubine. Dream big, there, Brandi.
And with that final, creepy image, we're ready for elimination!
Bret is highly complementary to all the ladies and thanks them for coming out. Rodeo gets the first VIP pass, prompting some concern from Magdalena.
Keep telling yourself that... ma'am.
From there, he gives passes to: Heather, Jes, Sam, Magdalena, Brandi M., Faith (the tall, gorgeous brunette Tiffany was talking to by the pool), Tamara, Mia (another tall brunette), Erin (gummi-bear boobs), Dallas, Tawny (tongue stud), Lacey and Kristia.
This is Raven's reaction to just about everybody.
There's one pass left, and six girls. Who will get it?
Oh, don't tell me you're surprised it's Brandi C.
Nor should you be surprised that Tiffany is given yet another chance to stay. "We've all had too much to drink; I've done it, you've done it," Bret rationalizes to the camera. Why not just say "I've got a Jerri Blank fetish" or the more likely "Crazy drunk freak makes damn good TV."
How good? This good.
I don't know about you, but I'm going to be mentally slurring "Don't threaten me with a good time" for the next few weeks.
Eliminated are Raven, Krista (demonic-looking blonde), Jessica (the one who broke the lens), Lauren (the spectacularly stupid one) and the tall, lovely brunette Bonnie. Bret said he was particularly bummed about letting Bonnie go, but the TV beast must be fed, and can't nobody feed it like Tiffany.
Here's what we have to look forward to over the next few weeks:
I think that might be a lace bodysuit.
Meth! Woo hoo! (I am hooked on meth-related TV, so this is just sweetening the pot of skank.)
Breathe on the hand, Lacey.
I don't even know what this is, but I already love it.
Hmmm. Looks like Tiffany isn't the only one who's a bit of a boozer.
Yes, that thing spurting out of the napkin is vomit. Good times!
Oh, and did you know that Scott Baio is 45 and single? I seem to recall hearing that somewhere.
Goodness.
WHAT would I do without you.
I can't quite bear to actually watch this mess, but with your "Cliff Notes" I can now pause the clicker with confidence, breathe in the fumes, and appreciate whatever whiff of skank I'm catching...
Because I'm sure they're contagious even through the teevee box.
Posted by: StinkyLulu | July 22, 2007 at 09:16 AM
Love it! And I'm slightly nauseated from the clips and that last still!! I loved that "Raven" had to make sure she pronounced that G in poignant!! Hilarious!
I have to agree with StinkyLulu though, I hope you are wearing some sort of protective garment when you watch this show. It seems like "Southside Booty" might be contagious! ;)
Posted by: tulip | July 22, 2007 at 09:31 AM
Hey, you were right about Brandi C.! She is a porn star.
http://tinyurl.com/2umhqp
Posted by: Megan | July 22, 2007 at 12:34 PM
Jes is awesome ... I hope she stays around. She's one of "us" and has the best expressions at the stupidity going on around her. She's the cute, smart, funny one in a batch of the most skanky women ever seen on TV. Are you going to start paraphrasing your Flavor Flav "the skanks (and Jes)"?
Posted by: Kim | July 22, 2007 at 03:49 PM
I swore I wasn't going to watch this one, but I got drawn in. And I love it, even though I feel a little bit like I need to take a shower every time Bret says something turns him on (which is to say, often).
My faves currently are Jes, Rodeo, and Dallas (love the way she pushes Lacey's buttons). My least fave is Heather - she was a total gossiping witch in last night's episode, and I can't understand how Bret think she's a good friend. Ugh.
Posted by: Mindi | July 23, 2007 at 08:41 AM
Holy Crap! Just read on the VH1 website that Tiffany is an RN. Think about that for awhile, eh????
Crazy - wonder if she asks her patients if they are ready for a good time when she comes in with the meds?
Posted by: Mindi | July 23, 2007 at 11:34 AM
What the hell is that programme? Looks like utter shit.
Posted by: Jo | July 24, 2007 at 06:46 AM
Damn, I wish I had thought of that digging my knuckles into my boobs move like that skank at the top when I was trying to get guys to notice me back in the day. I suppose I could do it now and make my man think I've lost what was left of my mind. Because I'm pretty sure it will amuse rather than excite him.
I am shocked to be able to say this, but those chicks are even more whore-y looking than the Flavor of Love skanks were!
Posted by: Cheesemeister | July 28, 2007 at 01:53 AM
Tiffany's totally fucked, but hey, she's got the curves and its great sex TV yea?
Posted by: oz cobblepot | September 12, 2009 at 12:11 PM
Lol, answering Jo, its called "Rock of Love" I watched it for the 1st time on TV tonite. Had nothin better to do and was feeling a bit braindead. Felt a bit envious of the guy gettin all those chicks, but then again, that's the sorta dude chicks go for. Lotsa money, artificial Barbi/Ken Hollywood looks and shit for brains.
Posted by: Oz Cobblepot | September 12, 2009 at 12:20 PM
RN eh?(lol) Hey Mindi, she can check my prostate anytime!!
Posted by: Oz Cobblepot | September 12, 2009 at 12:32 PM
I'm gonna catch the rest of this shit on You Tube. Like I said, I'm feelin a li'l braindead.
Posted by: Oz Cobblepot | September 12, 2009 at 12:42 PM